March for Babies 2013 ~ Walk for Sofia Rose

Once again we plan to walk in memory of Sofia Rose in the March of Dimes March for Babies walk. This year it is planned for Sat., April 27th at Lewis & Clark Landing. Hopefully we'll have better weather this year and no rain!! 

Here is a link to our team page. We would love the support in memory of our baby girl.

Click HERE

October is here...

The temperatures are changing, leaves are turning, and October 12th will soon be upon us. Fall is a comforting season with warm homemade meals, jeans & sweatshirts, open windows and fires in the fire pit. It also gives me a sick feeling because two years ago at this time I was pregnant with our first child, Sofia Rose. How innocent and unknowing we were at the time of what was to come... Sometimes I want to go back to those days, where extreme excitement & happiness was just that - with no caveats. I wonder if I will ever feel that way again. I don't think I intentionally hold back happiness, it's just that a part of my heart is missing and forever will be. I'm thankful and grateful for everything that I do have. I just miss Sofia so much.

We plan to take time off of work to spend the day with Rose and do something as a family, in celebration of Sofia's life. Later in the evening we will go to the cemetery and for anyone who chooses to join us, we will recognize her 2nd birthday- in heaven.

From Sofia ~ 2 Years

Stillbirth Remembrance Day ~ 2012

Today is Stillbirth Remembrance Day. In some ways I find it strange because for me (and surely for all the other BLM's who remember their babies) it is Stillbirth Remembrance Day every day of the year. It's not something that can be forgotten. I do like that there is a specific day just for stillbirths though, and hopefully people sharing about it will help others somehow. Maybe some babies will be saved and less families will have to endure this type of loss.

It seems like I just posted about this - amazing how fast a year goes by. Last year at this time I was pregnant and filled with worry. This year we have Sofia's sister, Rose Maria in our lives.

Tonight (through my allergy fit) we visited Sofia and brought her some bright flowers.

Every day we think of her and wonder what she would be like right now had she lived. I think she would have long dark hair in pig tails and she would be giving our dogs a run for their money. I wonder what she will look like in heaven. Will she be the small baby we know or will she be grown... I hope that even though she left us as a baby that her spirit is able to comprehend how much we miss and lover her down here on earth.

We miss you Sofia. XXOO

From Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Plate = Sign

This morning started out like most mornings do; I got ready for work, fed Rose and took her to my parents' house. For some reason though, this morning as I pulled into their driveway, I looked up at my Dad's truck parked directly in front of me. I read his license plate (something I apparently have never done!). I was amazed at what I saw:

From Our Rainbow

Sofia's initials are 'SRL' (Sofia Rose Larson). My birthday is '8/22' (August 22nd).

I don't think at all that this was a coincidence. This week is my birthday - Wednesday in fact - and I've been missing Sofia like crazy lately. I believe that this was her way of sending me her birthday wishes.

Of course I cried thinking about it on my drive in to work, but I also had a good feeling. It is comforting knowing she is still around me. I'm thankful for the signs I see and will continue to keep my mind and heart open to them, since it's the only connection I have to her until we meet again in heaven.

Memories, Memorials and Empathy

This morning as I was getting dressed for work I was overcome by flashbacks of the morning we buried Sofia. I remembered the black maternity dress hanging in the bathroom, the one my mom went out and bought while I was still recovering in the hospital. I remembered putting on the waterproof mascara that my sister-in-law bought for me too. Putting on the necklace that was shipped (and arrived before I came home from the hospital) that was from former coworkers/friends. (That necklace is one I wear most often - a tear drop - because I wore it the last day I ever saw our first baby girl's sweet face.) I remember being in the viewing room at the mortuary, just Tim and I, with tear-filled eyes and as I bent over to kiss her cold head the necklace tear drop (along with my own) swung down by her face.

From Gifts

Sofia has been on my mind so much this week - more than usual. The strange thing is that she's been equally on Tim's mind too. Earlier in the week he said he was remembering driving to the hospital, on the way to deliver her. That same morning on my drive in to work out of the blue I started crying and thinking about Sofia and the day we found out her heart stopped beating.

Two of my Aunts happened to read my blog post from July about guilt and both emailed me this week to talk about it. I feel like Sofia is all around; if only I could wrap my arms around her too.

In addition to Sofia, another baby gone too soon has been on my mind. Hayes, you are always thought of when I look to the sky. Prayers go out to fellow BLM Molly as she faces his two year birthday in heaven. It's hard to think two years can pass by so quickly. I'm not ready for that myself, so I am sure it is a difficult week for her too.

I also have a heavy heart because a former coworker/friend emailed me this week to say a friend of hers lost her baby boy. He only lived for three short hours. Today they buried him. Another mom facing the ultimate pain - the loss of a child. To all my fellow BLM's and other readers, please please send her your thoughts & prayers. You know she is facing a difficult road. Hopefully she will find us and find comfort in the support that we share. I know that my friend sent along my blog as a reference so if you are reading this, please know you are not alone and I am here if/when you need someone to talk to...

Wow, it has been a long week and it is only Wednesday. Looking forward to visiting Sofia tomorrow and returning her things.

Guilt- When does it end?

This has been on my mind for awhile now and I'm finally taking time to write about it. I was also unsure of which blog to put this on (which makes me rethink the keeping two blogs thing, but anyway...).

I find myself constantly feeling guilty when I say the following phrases to Sofia's little sister, baby Rose:

"Who is the cutest little baby we've ever seen!? You are!!"

"You're my little girl"

"I love my girl"

I could go on and on... I can't even think of the rest at this moment. Every time I think or say something along these lines I quickly think inside to myself "...but, not cuter than Sofia" or "you are my girl and so is Sofia". I've actually found myself saying out loud to Rose, "You're the cutest LIVING baby we know...". Ugh. Tim has done it too.

I don't want Sofia's little sister to grow up feeling like she's 2nd best or that she's less important in any way but at the same time I want to include Sofia and not dismiss her either. It's a tough internal battle for me emotionally.

Hopefully Rose will grow up understanding the difference and how important they both are to us, equally.

I've also had several encounters recently with strangers who are going gaga over baby Rose and who ask "Is this your first". ***cringe***  Lately I've just answered "yes" and then apologized to Sofia later and I try to convince her spirit that I know who my first really is. I just don't want to go through the whole story with some people and I'm trying to allow that for myself. It isn't easy.

I really want to hold Sofia again. I want to kiss her cheeks, touch her long and crazy hair. I see babies growing up- babies that were born around the same time as Sofia- and I get a knot in my stomach. Sofia would be bigger than him/her, she'd be running around right now. She would have long hair and be talking. In our minds, she is still a tiny little baby.

Some say time heals all wounds but I disagree. Time changes them- they are scars that never disappear.

From Other Photos

Enough Already

I'm tired of the grief, the sadness and all the pain. When Sofia died I knew my life would never be the same and I continue to discover what my new "normal" is. I'll always walk with a heavy heart missing my first girl.

It's hard dealing with the compounded pain with the recent loss of my Granny. She developed an infection that her body could not fight and she passed away on Friday, May 25th.  She was ready; she said many times before that she was old, tired, and ready for heaven. I wasn't ready for her to go.  When the nurse called to say we should get back up to the hospital an hour after we left, I rode up there with my parents. My mom & I entered the ICU and I overheard a nurse as she walked out of Granny's room: "She's not going to make it to 11:00 pm". I hurried my steps a little and my mom & I stood on either side of her bed. Within five minutes she took her last breaths.

I'm still trying to cope with her loss and though I was still grieving for Sofia this has brought many old emotions back to the surface. Losing Sofia means losing a lifetime of memories we never had the chance to make.  Losing my Granny means losing a life I hold more memories with than I can count.

She was 80 years old and has lived in the same house my entire life (and most of hers). So many traditions - Christmas Eve being a huge one - will be sorely missed. I was very close with her; we went to lunch nearly every Saturday for as long as I can remember. I can't even imagine life with her not in it.  Every day I think about her and how I wish this wasn't reality.

Granny was only in the hospital for one week before she passed away. Unfortunately the infection affected her brain and she was no longer coherent. I'll always have a haunting memory of seeing her take her last breaths but I'll also be forever grateful for the last real conversation I had with her. It was on Mother's Day and when we were leaving her house I gave her a hug, a kiss and told her I loved her and she did the same in return. I admit I did have a sense that her time was limited and I thought about it as I said those words. Granny being the emotional person that she was had tears in her eyes.

A couple weeks after Granny died, my Great Aunt Betty died. She was full of life until the end. I heard she was singing "New York, New York" at 1:00 am the day before she passed away. She was always a cheerful, happy person to be around. Even though she lived a full life and lived to 90 years old, it doesn't make it any easier.

Granny was one of very few people who continually bring flowers to Sofia's grave. I always knew when it was a bouquet from her. I'm sad she won't be visiting her there anymore but I pray to God that she is up in heaven taking turns with the rest of our loved ones lost, holding Sofia close.

Everyone deals with loss at some point, it's just hard having so much loss in what feels like a short amount of time. I have up days then down days. Lately it has been more down. I'm grateful for having our baby Rose to keep my spirits up.