Saturday, October 30, 2010

My Pregnancy & the Worst Dr. Appointment Ever

We found out on February 3, 2010 that we were expecting with a due date of 10-10-10.  It was such an exciting day.  We waited for the "safe" months to pass before telling family & friends our great news.  At approximately 12 weeks we spilled the beans and everyone was surprised & excited.  

My pregnancy was uneventful.  My blood pressure was outstanding at every visit, I ate healthy and gained only about 25 pounds total.  I constantly heard how "cute" I was, since it looked like I had a basketball hidden inside my shirt.  Aside from the normal aches & pains, I was a happy pregnant girl!  We chose not to find out the gender of the baby until birth so we were full of anticipation for the big day.  Baby moved all the time in my belly!  Tim was certain to become a soccer coach to him/her some day.

At 40 weeks (on 10-10-10), we went for a nice long walk with the dogs in the morning.  I remember mentioning to Tim how I hadn't felt the baby move a whole lot that weekend but I wasn't overly concerned.  We continued on our walk and I felt a kick, so my worries were cast aside.  The rest of the day was spent cleaning out the garage, moving slowly and getting things done around the house.  I remember feeling uncomfortable and some possible mild contractions but otherwise just tired.

On Monday, 10-11-10, we went in to work as normal and went about our day.  We had a 2:30 pm Dr. appt. so we met there.  On my way there I had this awful feeling/thought... I wondered what I would do if something bad happened... how would I tell people, how would I handle it... Then I literally shook my head and in my mind yelled at myself for thinking such a thought.  I normally would never think such a thought and it struck me as odd but shrugged it off and continued driving.

Here's where our lives were changed FOREVER...

In the Dr. office she tried finding the heartbeat as usual.  This time it was taking her longer.  I mentioned that the last time we were in the baby was on my right side.  She tried and had no luck.  She then checked me and I was dilated to 3 cm.  I looked at Tim nervously as he looked at me.  Dr. said she would get me into an ultrasound room to check on the baby right away.  

She started the ultrasound and I reminded Tim to not look or he might find out the gender.  We just stared at each other.  After what felt like an eternity, I turned to the Dr. & the sonogram monitor and as I looked at my baby's rib cage on the screen not moving said something like "it's not there is it?"... She had another Dr. come in to look but really it was just to confirm what she already knew.  Our baby was gone.

I cannot even put into words what we felt at that instant.  I could barely breathe.  We were in shock.  We were devastated.  Much of it is a blur in my mind.  I recall asking/shouting/crying over the fact that I was going to now have to deliver my deceased baby.  I asked Tim if he wanted to know the gender instead of waiting.  He said yes and the Dr. showed us on the monitor, it was a girl.

They gave us some time alone and we decided to go home & gather some things and drive back to the hospital for an induced labor.  They have a back door at the Dr. office so we left that way and headed home.  In the car I called my mom then Tim's mom to inform them of the horrible news.  I made a few other calls/texts and once home we started taking all the baby stuff out of my packed hospital bag.  I had Tim put away all my pregnancy books so I wouldn't have to look at them when we came home.  I remember running around like a woman on a mission, yet it was like my mind was gone.  I felt like a robot just doing what needed to be done... But then in my closet I stood there and just stared at my clothes.  Tim had to help me figure out what to wear.  Tim was especially upset and cried in the baby's room.  I think I was trying to be strong for him.  It broke my heart that he was so sad.  I remember him calling his sister.  My friend Carrie stopped by on her way home from work and cried & hugged us. 

We got in the car and headed to the hospital.

1 comment:

  1. Heartbreaking to read this...brings back so many feelings from that raw day of finding out the horrible news that my flowers heart had stopped beating and I'd have to deliver her deceased body. I was already at the hospital with contractions and about to get an epidural. I'm sure it must have been really tough to be at the office, have to go home, and come back. Much love, HR