Thursday, April 28, 2011

Nice Evening & Sofia's Tree

Tonight after work we picked up the T-shirts for this weekend's march for babies walk. (Will post pics after this weekend's walk!!)  They turned out pretty good I think & thanks to my Aunt Christine for hooking me up with a discount since she works there!

We decided to grab a bite to eat at Lazlo's and the weather was so nice we decided to eat outside on the patio.  No bugs, no wind, just the warm sun, good food & wine. It was a nice evening.  We also had a mini-rainbow hanging around on the table.

From Slideshow

Since it's been so many days since we've had full sun I decided to check out Sofia's tree when we got home to see if the flowers were ready to bloom.  I stood in front of the tree and the first section of leaves I saw there was a little ladybug just sitting on the leaf.

From Slideshow

At the base of the tree branches was the very first bloom since the tree has been planted.  So delicate & pretty - just like Sofia Rose.

From Slideshow

Probably in the next day or two the whole tree will be in bloom.  It's nice to see when I leave in the morning and when I arrive home each night.  Thanks again Carrie & Nicole. :)

From Slideshow

Sofia's Garden - Buying Stone

Last weekend we made a trip out to "The Rock Place" where we've shopped before for stone & rocks for landscaping.  We were on the search for something to border Sofia's rose garden to contain the mulch.  Originally we were going to cover the ground with small rock in combination with mulch at the base of each rose but we've since decided to go with all mulch since it'll be contained and (hopefully) we'll keep the dogs out of it the way we have it planned.

We found some nice red-toned stones to use as the border. They're similar to the old ones we have in our front yard.  (The ones in our front were once circling the tree at my parents house-my sister & I used to walk across them as kids.  They originally came from my Grandpa Morinelli (Dad's dad) who picked them up and loaded up his trunk-not truck, TRUNK of his car with them many, many years ago.  The stones were once part of a brick road.)  Since these matched so closely we decided they were just right so we hand picked the quantity needed and Tim loaded up the Jeep.

I had mentioned to Tim an idea of taking stones and hand painting things on them to place within her garden.  He had another great suggestion for them - to paint the name of the rose and place the stones in front of their respective plants.  He was pretty proud of himself for coming up with the idea-as he should be, I think it's a great one!  I'll probably paint something along with the name for an added touch...we'll see how I'm feeling at the time.

We carefully hand picked each stone making sure to get a different color for each rose for variety.

Can't wait to really get this garden started!!

From Slideshow

From Slideshow

From Slideshow

A Full Rainbow in the Sky!!

Weather has been rainy & dreary for days on end.  That's normal for Spring but it sure makes it hard to be cheery some days.  (As if life itself isn't hard enough lately)  I was driving home from work yesterday and called my mom.  We were talking about the weather and how it started pouring down rain after I exited the interstate.  I made a comment to her that I was pretty certain we should be on the lookout for rainbows the way the sky was... Clouds in all directions and patches of sun & sky here & there.  Tim said it even hailed a little at our house before I got home.

I was wrapping up our phone conversation and as I turned into our neighborhood, right smack in front of me was a huge, FULL rainbow!!!  I was so excited and told my mom I had to get off the phone.  I told her which direction it was and she & my dad looked out & saw it too!!

I didn't have my good camera on me so I used my cell phone to capture what I could.  The rainbow was so huge I couldn't fit it all in the frame so I had to take three separate shots.  Not my ideal photography work but who cares, it's a FULL rainbow!! :)  It was so large and so close it was practically hugging me.

I definitely took that as a sign because I've had a rough couple of weeks and needed the pick-me-up.  I can't explain it but I've been in better spirits ever since.  I think Sofia knew I needed something happy so she did what she could to put on a show.  I'm sure I drove Tim nuts because after I took many photos I went in so we could eat dinner and I kept looking back out the front window.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how significant the timing was.  Usually after work I go directly home, but yesterday some coworkers talked me into going to the bar for a drink.  I figured I needed it to de-stress a bit and I never seem to get out much these days, so I went.  I told Tim I'd try to be home by 6pm but ended up not leaving the bar until around 6:15 (oops!).

If I would have gone straight home after work... If I would have left the bar at 5:45 (to get home by 6)... If I would have stayed for one more beer... I would not have seen that huge full rainbow! The timing was so precise.  About two minutes after I jumped out of my car to snap some photos, the full part of the rainbow began to fade away.  I continued looking at & photographing just the right side until I had to get inside for dinner.  It all lasted about 5 minutes and the rainbow was gone.

Later my mom called me back to tell me that earlier in the day she was looking at Sofia's photo and talking to her and asked if she was a rainbow baby.  (Not in the sense that she was what we BLM's call 'rainbow babies')  She thought that was interesting that in the same day we saw the rainbow.

Sure, it was the perfect weather combo for a rainbow to display... but why did it storm on that day, and why did the rain stop, the sun shine, and colors display before us?  We believe it to be a sign and we feel better because of it.

Here are some photos; they definitely don't reflect what we saw but at least they help tell the story:

Left side of rainbow

From Slideshow

Middle of rainbow

From Slideshow

Right side of rainbow

From Slideshow

Close up of just the right side, after the rest faded away

From Slideshow

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Somewhere Over The Rainbow ~ Songs & Signs

Tonight on my way home from work I called my mom.  She said earlier in the day she was listening/watching a program on TV with a symphony playing all kinds of songs.  She was flipping through the newspaper and came across a 'babies week' section and started thinking of Sofia.  She said she looked up at the photo they have of Sofia in the living room and asked if Sofia was here with us.  Then the symphony started to play none other than "Somewhere over the rainbow".  My mom then realized, yes, she is here.
A couple weeks ago my Aunt Donna (Sofia's Great Aunt) texted me to say she went in to Hobby Lobby to find something special for Sofia's stone.  She said she walked into the store and "Somewhere over the rainbow" was playing over the speaker system and when she turned to an aisle there were shelves of ladybug items.  I texted her to say I think she must want something ladybug related.  My aunt replied, then that's what she shall get!  She ended up getting her this decoration that has a ladybug at the bottom and one at the top.  A ladybug for Sofia and one for Sam.

Monday, April 25, 2011

My Heart Will Go On...

I heard the song on Dancing with the Stars tonight and listening to the words brought me to thoughts of Sofia. Even though the song in the movie (Titanic) was about a love story between a man & woman it seems to fit for the love of a child too.

I've always liked the song but have also always felt melancholy after hearing it. It's such an emotional song, and Celine has such a powerful voice. I decided to add it to the playlist on this blog for awhile.

I think the lyrics speak for themselves:

Every night in my dreams
I see you. I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on.

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never go till we're one

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

There is some love that will not
go away

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

I never know when the emotions are going to hit, but lately it's right before bed. It leaves me mentally exhausted for at least two days. It was hard seeing all the photo updates from family/friends on facebook of the Easter holiday. All the little ones with their Easter baskets, Easter eggs, etc. I could easily stay off facebook or un-friend people to avoid it, but that would be avoiding life in general, and I'm not interested in that. It's just gut-wrenching and admittedly I had myself a pity-party last night & into today. It's hard having a lump in my throat and an ache in my heart for the baby we know would be so sweet if we only had her here with us. All those firsts we'll never experience with Sofia. I'm angry, and keep waiting for this nightmare to end. Then I remember it won't. She's not coming back.

In the hospital I was in such a state of shock, disbelief & awe (in that we created such a beautiful girl). I also felt like I was trying to soak it all in, as much as I could, knowing that our time with her was limited. When I was pregnant, like most women I imagine do, I dreamt with excitement what our baby would look like. Would he/she have hair? Would it be light brown or dark? Would he/she be chubby or slender? All those typical questions. Everyone tells you how "amazing" and "wonderful" it is to see your baby for the first time. They're right - it IS amazing. Even for us it was. But it was so twisted because we had the grief at the same time.

I remember in the first several weeks after we came home crying at night and feeling upset because the mental picture I had of her was fading. We only had her a few hours and that was it! I was forgetting the weight of her in my arms. I remember after an hour or two when the photographer from NILMDTS left and we were handing Sofia back & forth, some blood and bodily fluid was coming out of her nose. I was confined to my bed but I did the best I could to quickly move to wipe her nose and face. It was one of the very few 'mothering' moments I ever got with my baby. Most new moms get to fuss over their babies for as long as they want. I didn't even get to see her eyes. I really wish I would have looked. I thought about that today when I was leaving work of all places. I just wonder what her eyes looked like. I didn't want a mental image of a cold gaze so I chose not to look at the time, but every time I see the photos of her I wonder.

My heart aches daily but it will go on ~ until I see her again.

From Slideshow

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter Sunday

When I woke up this morning I thought about many things... I saw the sun shining through my window and was slightly energized then remembered it was Easter. I thought about how much I wished Sofia were here with us so I could dress her up in a cute dress and take an obscene amount of photos of her. At 6 1/2 months she would have been sitting up, smiling, and with all that hair she'd probably be sporting a pony tail with a cute little bow. I know it's useless to think of those 'what-if's' because those moments were never in the plan for her. It was all in MY mind - my hopes & dreams as being her mom.

Earlier in the week Tim e-mailed me at work to say, "we need to get an Easter basket for Sofia & Sam to share". I thought that was so sweet of him to think of doing that and I was surprised at myself for not thinking of it first!

I know Easter isn't just about kids, eggs, candy & a bunny rabbit. Just like Christmas isn't just about Santa Claus, his reindeer & presents. That said, while it is about Jesus we can't ignore that Easter is very much a children's holiday. So naturally it's hard for us on a day we thought we'd have our first child with us, missing out on doing all the things parents do with their kids. Yes, we are that corny couple who would hide the eggs for a 6 month old. We would buy an Easter basket even though a baby can't really know what's going on. It's the enjoyment and excitement of having a family that we miss so much.

So we bought the Easter basket - Tim picked it out. (He picked out a HUGE one at first and I declined. He thought more candy would fit inside - him trying to be funny) We found a nice white ceramic cross, a little brown bunny, some plastic eggs and two wooden painted eggs with bows. I decided I'd paint Sofia's name on the pink one, Sam's name on the yellow.

Easter basket:
From Other Photos
From Other Photos
From Other Photos

We visited Sofia out at the cemetery this morning and brought her another mini Easter basket with eggs as well as two more decorations that stick in the ground. One's a ladybug and the other is a bee. The cemetery is a busy place on Easter Sunday morning. Many of the other baby graves had cute decorations. One near Sofia was buried in 1979 and had flowers, a cute windmill, and a full Easter basket. Wow- 31 years later and the parents are still dedicated to visiting their baby. Of course! I know we will do the same.

Mini Easter basket at cemetery:
From Other Photos

Ladybug & Bee decorations (notice the flowers have been in the vase for a week & still pretty!!):
From Other Photos

My mom happened to arrive at the cemetery shortly after we did. She had a cute painted egg with a bow to leave for Sofia. I snapped a photo of it before putting it down on her stone:
From Other Photos

Ladybug decoration left by my Aunt Donna, Sofia's Great Aunt:
From Other Photos

While standing at Sofia's spot, a coworker of mine stopped by. She said she was paying a visit to her mom who is buried just up the hill from Sofia. She said her mom loved babies and that she's no doubt watching over Sofia. We thought that was nice of her to say.

From Other Photos

I have to believe that Sofia and Sam are up in heaven surrounded by love and all our family that have passed and that they're taking good care of them for us. I think He is watching them for us too, and that they are filled with happiness.

Flowers left at Sofia's spot by Tim's parents this week:
From Other Photos

Happy Easter Sofia & Sam.

We love you. XXOOXXOO

Monday, April 18, 2011

March for Babies!

We're doing this very last minute, but there is still time (2 weeks!!) so I started a team for the March of Dimes March for Babies event in NE on May 1st.

We're walking in memory of Sofia Rose, as well as Sam and all the other babies that were gone too soon. We're also walking for future babies.

Even if it's just Tim & I who walk that's fine, but hopefully we can get a few people to join us.

Donations are welcomed and we'd love to see you at Mahoney on May 1st. Just click on the link above. If you donate & decide to walk, facebook or email me by this Friday with T-shirt size and I'll have a shirt made for you.

Thanks for your support!!!!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Stop the madness!

I follow the 'Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope' page of facebook and saw this status update this week:

I read this in an article today, which only strengthens our need to make stillbirth less taboo...

"Across the globe, around 3 million babies are stillborn every year—more than 8200 babies a day. There are twice as many stillbirths as deaths due to HIV/AIDS, which have rightly received so much global attention and action. By contrast, stillbirths are almost invisible, unrecognised as a global health issue."

It makes me sick that this happens so often yet (until it happened to me) I heard nothing on the subject.

Some days I want to tell every pregnant woman I see to monitor EVERYTHING those last few weeks.  I don't want anyone to go through this kind of pain & sadness.  I'm one of those who skipped the chapter on stillbirth - it wasn't going to happen to me, that's what happens to 'someone else'.  Wrong.

Now, how to spread the word without freaking people out? Not sure what I'd have done had someone 'warned' me when I was pregnant.  I might have still had the same mentality I had when I skipped those chapters in the books.  But maybe not...

Click HERE to enter the Faces of Loss website

Sofia's Garden - Early Stages

When Sofia died we received many cards of sympathy, donations to the church and other gifts.  We received the tree from good friends in honor of Sofia that we planted in the front yard.  We also received a generous gift of money from former coworkers/friends, some of Tim's coworkers, and from my mom's teacher friends (whom I've known my whole life) to be used towards a rose garden in memory of Sofia.

Now that Spring is here we're starting to plan and work on creating Sofia's rose garden in our backyard.  This will be a place for us to think of her and enjoy my favorite flower of all, the rose.

Tim has already removed the sod for the area it will be, and this weekend we decided to scout out some water fountains.  We ended up buying a big chunk of the items on our list!

We spotted a water fountain as soon as we walked in to Mulhall's but it had a yellow tag on it (on hold for someone until 4/15).  It was 4/16 so that was up, but we weren't sure what the story was so we decided we'd take a look at what else was there.  We found many we loved - some well outside our budget - and we narrowed it down to two that we thought would be perfect (and could afford!).  We went back to the one we saw first and asked about it.  It turned out the people didn't want it after all so it was ours if we wanted it.  It was the only one they had and it was marked down considerably from the original price.  We got it!

We decided to just "look around" at what they had for roses...and ended up with a cart full to buy!  We picked out some good ones.  Some baby/miniature roses that should be great had perfect names: 'Miracle' (white roses) and 'Daddy's Little Girl' (pinkish red).  Of COURSE we put those in the cart right away.  Then we made our way over to some climbing roses.  I asked Tim what he thought of them and as soon as I said it I spotted a ladybug on one of the leaves!  We decided right then & there we were getting those.  Crazy logic, I know, but we took that as a sign that she wanted those.  Maybe because the rose has a child-like name: 'Candy Land'.  It was the only ladybug we saw the whole day (and we looked at TONS of roses).  We also picked out 'Joseph's Coat' for climbing roses along with some purple, yellow and 'Super Hero' red.  None of the roses are blooming yet, but some have buds so it won't be long!

Candy Land roses that the ladybug was on:

From Other Photos

Cart full of roses & the trellis for the climbing roses:
From Other Photos

I'll update more once we get the rose garden more setup. Won't be long!

Spring Visit

From April - October the cemetery has a rule that we need to pick up things on the 1st & 15th of each month for cemetery cleanup/mowing.  If we don't, they toss everything.  So we of course make sure to go pick everything up (I would FREAK if they tossed her stuff!!!!).  In fact, I worry about the things left on Sofia's 'neighbor's' graves too.  I think about the angel statue in the row in front of hers.  I think of the stuffed bunny and other toys left for the boy next to her.  The flowers, the balloons, all the items left for these babies.  The logical part of my brain tells me not to worry and that these parents know just like we do (or they should) that stuff needs to be picked up in time or it is tossed, but the sentimental/compassionate/worry-too-much side of my brain thinks "what if they forgot!", "what if they intended on going but something came up and they couldn't get to it!".  All these thoughts race through my mind every time we go.  Ugh... I need to forget about it, but I know how mushy one's mind can be after losing a baby and it would be easy to forget which day it was. Sigh... Whenever we pick up Sofia's things we almost feel guilty, so it might sound silly but we talk to her and say not to worry, we will bring it all back in a couple days.  I hate driving away and nothing being there for her.  I think she probably understands but it's still hard.

We picked up her things on Thursday and while we were there I received a text from my Aunt.  She said she went to Hobby Lobby to buy something for Sofia and when she walked in "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" was playing.  She looked over to the aisle & there were shelves full of ladybug things.  I texted her & said, well, she must want you to buy something with ladybugs!  So she said then that's what she shall get.  Pretty neat sign if you ask me.

Saturday we brought all her things back to the cemetery.  The wind was fierce but the sun was out and the grass was growing long... Which is something that is somewhat irritating.  We have to clear out all the stuff and they didn't even mow.  The blades of grass stand tall next to her stone.  Grr.

There are trees near Sofia's spot that were blooming so I photographed some of the blooms.

From Slideshow

From Slideshow

From Slideshow

Sofia's spot is all decked out for Spring & Easter.  We'd love to be picking out her cute little Easter dress instead of decorations for a grave, but that wasn't in her plan...or His.

From Slideshow

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Two Birds

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged and like I’ve said in past posts, it in no way indicates that I’m feeling better and don’t need to write.  The past few weeks have been hard for us and I’ve finally gotten to the point where I need to get it out. So I am…

On Saturday, March 26th we caught our rainbow. Nervous, scared, relieved, worried were all thoughts that entered my mind when I found out.  We went to visit Sofia that morning and that’s when I let Tim know the news.  We talked to Sofia, cried, and talked about how scary it was. Good, but scary.

From Other Photos

We quietly told those closest to us.  This time we decided to forget about the silly idea that someone made up about “waiting until it was ‘safe’ to tell”.  No such thing. We know that first hand.  We figured our families could use some good news with all we’ve dealt with in the past 5+ months.  I was only 4 weeks along but we didn’t care.  Of course everyone was happy to hear such news.  We were holding on telling the extended family – and the world – until it felt right. 

I pulled out the old pregnancy book, updated my calendar so I knew which day of the week would mark each milestone and scheduled a Dr. appt with a new OB.  Given my history, I’m now considered high risk so they offered to see me before 6 weeks (which I thought was amazing!).

On Friday, April 1st we attended the first day of a two-day child loss conference here in Omaha.  It was The Compassionate Friends regional conference and people from Omaha & surrounding cities came in to attend workshops, etc.  (I’ll elaborate more on the conference in a separate post) The first night was emotional and we were there past 11:00 pm.  The next morning we got up and got ready to go for the second day of the conference.  As we pulled out of the driveway, Tim pointed out two little birds sitting on the overhang on the front porch.  One was on each slope.  We have a window in our bedroom that overlooks the front porch overhang, and when we first lost Sofia, he had an experience with a lone bird sitting at the top of the overhang, looking into the bedroom while he stood by the window.  It stayed for a long time and he took it as a sign from Sofia and it made him feel better.  As we drove away that morning heading to the conference, and Tim pointed out the two birds, he said, “Sofia has a friend”. 

We went to the conference and to our disappointment one of the workshops we really wanted to attend was cancelled because the presenter couldn’t make it.  So we chose two separate workshops – his was for men only.  My workshop ended early so I went looking for Tim.  I didn’t see him in the crowd of people in the lobby so I called his cell thinking he might be looking for me.  He didn’t answer, so I used the time to go to the restroom.

That’s when I started spotting.  I had a pit in my stomach because I didn’t think it was good.  Even though that is somewhat common throughout pregnancy I never experienced that with Sofia, so it had me worried. I waited out in the hallway for Tim and when he came out from his workshop he had the biggest grin on his face.  At the end of the workshop the presenter said he was going to play a meaningful song by Kenny Chesney.  He hit play – right about the time I had tried calling Tim’s cell phone.  Well apparently Tim recently changed his ring tone on his phone to the theme of “The Godfather”.  So as the music started, Tim said they all looked puzzled (including him) at why they’d play the theme song to The Godfather – until Tim realized it was his phone!  He got a kick out of that.  Apparently I timed it just right.

He was so smiley and in a good mood and all I could think was how scared I was and how we needed to get out of there asap.  I didn’t want to tell him of my concern but needed to.  I just kept thinking in a few minutes, his cheery face is going to change and I hated that.

I gave it a few minutes until we were alone then told him I was worried and we decided it was best to leave the conference, go home and rest.  So that’s what we did. I was bummed about leaving the conference early.  We met some great people, some who were holding a place for us in the dining room for lunch, but our priority was my well-being and that of the baby so we left.  It really felt “unfinished” leaving early though.

On Sunday, April 3rd we knew for certain that we lost another baby.  I miscarried. It was only a partial rainbow, the storm is still here.

This baby’s due date was Dec. 2nd 2011 (which Tim’s mom pointed out was the day her mother died-a bit unnerving) but when we did the math and counted back to when I would likely be induced, the date was 11-11-11.  That alone should have been our first clue something wasn’t right.  In a way it was a sign, because the thought did cross our minds and we agreed we did not want a unique birth date for this baby.  Sofia died on her due date of 10-10-10 (delivered 10-12-10) and that was a little too eerie for us.   We’d be ok with just any old random date – it would be special because of the baby, not the date itself.  Turns out it doesn't matter now anyway because that baby is gone.

I hate hearing the words, “something wasn’t right” (great, two for two...) or “maybe you were too stressed” (like it was my fault or something) or “miscarriage happens all the time” (am I supposed to feel good about that?).  Those are not comforting or helpful words. The fact is, it wasn't that baby's time; he or she went straight to heaven before we ever had a chance to meet them.  Even though this baby was extremely tiny in comparison to Sofia, it was a baby.  In the words of Dr. Seuss, “A person’s a person, no matter how small”.  
I went to the new OB office to have blood drawn to check my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) and they confirmed what I already knew.  My number was ‘8’.  (Anything in the 5-0 range is considered not pregnant.  At 5-6 weeks normal number for pregnancy is around 7,000) My body was almost completely ‘not pregnant’ anymore.  Again.
 We of course will never know if it was a girl or a boy, but we feel every child deserves a name.  (I once heard a sad story about a baby who passed and how the spirit was sad their parents never named them because they were a miscarried child.  True or not, it made me sad to think of it.) We decided to call our second baby “SAM”.  It fits for a girl or a boy and it is our Second Angel Missed. It fits.  Plus, at the exact moment we were discussing the name Sam a rainbow displayed on TV so it seemed logical in our minds that this was it.
It’s very hard to understand why we have had to deal with this kind of grief for the past 6 months.  It was 6 months ago today that we said hello and good-bye to Sofia.  Truthfully we thought we might be expecting another one now because we were ready the second we found out we lost our first.  And now the grief is cycled all over again because we lost our second.  The grief for Sofia never stopped, but it is more magnified now.  We’re out of that ‘shocked’ state.  Anyone who has grieved for someone knows the stages of grief don’t actually fall in chronological order as once believed by psychologists.  You might start with shock, denial & isolation but your mind & body skip around to anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance.  Case in point is our situation.  The past two weeks I think I’ve been in the ‘anger’ stage.  I know this will fluctuate and grief has no timeline.  It’s not like “6 moths are up, now you’re done, yeah!”.  Hopefully people/family/friends will get this too.

While I was miscarrying Tim & I talked again about the two birds we saw that morning of the conference.  He said a thought had crossed his mind that morning just as he said “Sofia has a friend”.  He had a gut feeling that I was going to miscarry just from seeing those two birds.  He said he didn’t say anything at the time for obvious reasons – he didn’t want to scare me.  Sadly, he was right.  Maybe that was a sign, and they just wanted us to know they are together, and they are OK.

Even though it is heartbreaking that we lost Sofia and now another baby, we’re starting to feel more & more that this didn’t happen “to us” but that it was some sort of life lesson or growing for our souls and for others as well.  Good things have (and will likely continue to) come out of this and even though some days we’re angry, there are times where we accept it.  That weekend we went outside in the backyard to brush the dogs and get some fresh air.  Sitting there, sad, talking with Tim all of a sudden I noticed a ladybug on Tim's leg.  I quickly grabbed my phone & snapped a photo.  I was still sad, but it took my mind off the sadness for a little while.

From Other Photos

We’re grateful to the few people who continue to ask (and actually care to hear the response) about how we are doing, and for not turning their backs when the answer is “not good”.  We understand that most people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing.  I know people just don’t know what to say or do.  The only thing that could be done would be to bring us back our children but that can’t happen, so the next best thing is just to let us know you’re thinking of us.  What we’ve gone through is a very lonely, isolated feeling, and ignoring what happened does us no good.
Beautiful rose from my friend Holly left on my door after my miscarriage:

From Other Photos

This second loss has taken a toll on me mentally/emotionally.  I was worried about another loss and that’s exactly what happened. Tim was worried too, and the loss hurts him as well, but he's trying to not let it consume him.  I'm having a harder time with that but doing a little better now than at first. So we’ve lost a baby at the very end and now at the very beginning.  We are hanging on a thread of hope that third time will be the charm, and we will have that full rainbow – our take-home baby – someday soon.  Prayers needed & welcomed by all!

I’ll end this post with another Dr. Seuss quote.  While it’s sometimes hard to accept, I do think it’s true in our losses:  “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

6 Months

We miss you, love you and thought of you all day long, like we do every day. How is it that 6 months have passed so quickly when it seems as though just minutes ago you were in my belly and in our arms.

From Slideshow

Mommy & Daddy