Monday, April 25, 2011

My Heart Will Go On...

I heard the song on Dancing with the Stars tonight and listening to the words brought me to thoughts of Sofia. Even though the song in the movie (Titanic) was about a love story between a man & woman it seems to fit for the love of a child too.

I've always liked the song but have also always felt melancholy after hearing it. It's such an emotional song, and Celine has such a powerful voice. I decided to add it to the playlist on this blog for awhile.

I think the lyrics speak for themselves:

Every night in my dreams
I see you. I feel you.
That is how I know you go on.

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on.

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never go till we're one

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

There is some love that will not
go away

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

I never know when the emotions are going to hit, but lately it's right before bed. It leaves me mentally exhausted for at least two days. It was hard seeing all the photo updates from family/friends on facebook of the Easter holiday. All the little ones with their Easter baskets, Easter eggs, etc. I could easily stay off facebook or un-friend people to avoid it, but that would be avoiding life in general, and I'm not interested in that. It's just gut-wrenching and admittedly I had myself a pity-party last night & into today. It's hard having a lump in my throat and an ache in my heart for the baby we know would be so sweet if we only had her here with us. All those firsts we'll never experience with Sofia. I'm angry, and keep waiting for this nightmare to end. Then I remember it won't. She's not coming back.

In the hospital I was in such a state of shock, disbelief & awe (in that we created such a beautiful girl). I also felt like I was trying to soak it all in, as much as I could, knowing that our time with her was limited. When I was pregnant, like most women I imagine do, I dreamt with excitement what our baby would look like. Would he/she have hair? Would it be light brown or dark? Would he/she be chubby or slender? All those typical questions. Everyone tells you how "amazing" and "wonderful" it is to see your baby for the first time. They're right - it IS amazing. Even for us it was. But it was so twisted because we had the grief at the same time.

I remember in the first several weeks after we came home crying at night and feeling upset because the mental picture I had of her was fading. We only had her a few hours and that was it! I was forgetting the weight of her in my arms. I remember after an hour or two when the photographer from NILMDTS left and we were handing Sofia back & forth, some blood and bodily fluid was coming out of her nose. I was confined to my bed but I did the best I could to quickly move to wipe her nose and face. It was one of the very few 'mothering' moments I ever got with my baby. Most new moms get to fuss over their babies for as long as they want. I didn't even get to see her eyes. I really wish I would have looked. I thought about that today when I was leaving work of all places. I just wonder what her eyes looked like. I didn't want a mental image of a cold gaze so I chose not to look at the time, but every time I see the photos of her I wonder.

My heart aches daily but it will go on ~ until I see her again.

From Slideshow


  1. Her photos are beautiful, and Im sure her eyes were too.

    That song kills me. I'm glad you were able to "mother" her in the time you had, though it will always be too short of a time. :(

  2. Wow, never thought of that song in this way, but I also haven't heard it since Hayes died. It is unbelieveable how appropriate it is.

    I still can't get over how wonderful your photos are. I am so sad I didn't know about NILMDTS, although I am just thankful that I do have some wonderful photos, just none of him with us. :(

  3. Thanks LauraJane.

    Molly, I am grateful for the photos I have but even I have certain photos I wish I'd have had taken but didn't (due to my state of mind at the time). I check your blog often for updates on photos of Hayes. I feel like I know the little guy without even seeing him and look forward to the day you post them for the world to see.