Every night when I get into bed I think of her and I think about how if she were alive I'd be rocking her to sleep or feeding her. Instead I read my book and go to sleep - but I don't sleep peacefully because I want to wake up to midnight feedings. I want to be up in the middle of the night when the rest of the city is cozy in bed if it means looking down at my baby's face for just one more minute. When we decorated her nursery we hung a couple flower lights on the wall from IKEA. At night when lit up they let out just a little bit of light but not too much that would disturb baby. When I was pregnant I would rock in the chair and dream of the day I got to bring our baby home and rock him/her with only the flower lights on. Can you really miss something that only happened in your dreams? I think I'm proof that you can...
We went to 5:30 pm mass at St. Robert Bellarmine on Wednesday, January 12, 2011. When Sofia died we received many donations to the church. The church in turn holds mass in her name. She has something like 14 of them. This one happened to be held 3 months to the day that she was 'born'. There weren't a lot of people there but my Mom, Aunt Donna and Tim's parents attended. I was fine through most of the mass until Father Shane (who married us almost 10 years ago) stood before the altar and said her name aloud, "Sofia Rose Larson". I had to scurry to get kleenex out of my purse. I didn't know I would react that way. I say her name so often that it's part of MY vocabulary, but rarely do we hear anyone else say it.
Most parents know they'll get to hear and see their child's name throughout their lifetime. Birthday invitations, sports & awards, graduations, weddings... But we won't - at least not for Sofia. So when he said "Sofia Rose Larson" it really hit me hard. Someone else was recognizing her. That's OUR daughter. I wanted to tell everyone in church that it was our baby whose name he was saying. We held onto those words. In the car Tim & I discussed it and we both agreed that it was nice to hear it coming from someone else. It sometimes seems like nobody mentions her full name to us. Some do but many don't. Maybe it is out of fear that it will upset us but in reality we feel like not speaking of her is like she never was here. She was.
For Tim's birthday I wanted to get him something meaningful. I found a nice men's ID bracelet that resembles his watch and had "Sofia Rose" engraved on the front. On the back/underside it is engraved "Daddy's Angel". I let him open it early since we were going out to dinner the Saturday before his birthday. I told him I thought Sofia would like for him to have it early so he opened it and cried. I think he loves it because he wears it often. He tells people "it's from Lia and Sofia". I think that's nice.
|From Other Photos|
|From Other Photos|
On Sunday we paid a visit to Sofia's grave. Tim had to shovel a new path (the one his brother kindly shoveled a week earlier had since been blown over). We fixed everything up a bit and we gave her some pretty carnations. Normally she only gets roses from us but I've noticed from other people that have brought carnations that those flowers stay colored long after they have been there. I thought she could use some bright cheery colors for now.
I've started getting busy with work, busy with life in general but that doesn't mean I've stopped feeling the same way. My new found friend, Betsy gave me some good advice when I asked her how she was able to focus on work when all she could think of was her baby girl Olivia who passed away in Nov. 2009. She said to set aside time to think about her before and after work. I've started trying that and it is helping. Of course I still think about her but now I don't have to feel as guilty when I'm not focusing on her all day long.
I continue to "meet" new moms who have lost babies and can say we are truly some strong people. I don't know how any of us do it but we do. We have to move forward. We'll just carry our babies with us in spirit as we take each step.