Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day, Sofia Rose~

It's been awhile since I posted last.  It isn't so much because I had nothing to say.  It's more that I've been keeping myself occupied with my hobbies and work that I barely have a moment to spare.  Additionally, I have had some feelings of frustration lately and keep contemplating how to go about expressing those thoughts without sounding crabby.


As we approached last Saturday, 2.12.2011 (4 months since we said good-bye), I was growing more sad and annoyed by our entire "situation".  I understand our baby girl is not ever coming back and we keep moving forward day after day, but the feelings of frustration come in when we feel like she is somehow being forced out with one word: silence.  Not by us, but by people who are not comfortable talking about her so they don't.  Whether it's well-intended or not, it hurts.  It's not fair.  She's our girl and we miss her so much.  We aren't that married couple who just doesn't want kids... We have one - she just isn't here physically.  I suppose it's too much for some to handle and yes, everyone grieves differently, but my thoughts on that are nobody can feel the pain as much as we do.  Why inflict more pain by acting as if she never existed?  We are extremely grateful for the people who do keep talking to us about her - it means more than anything right now.


I've said it before but I'll say it again - besides having a best friend in my husband, I am so lucky to also have one of the greatest friends on earth.  Not sure how I'd be today without Holly's friendship.  This has been such a tough road but she's been there for me every day.  For almost 4 months straight she texted me every day just to check in.  I don't expect that from anyone but just a short message letting me know that she cared meant so much.  Grieving for a lost baby is so painful and lonely when so many people around us have been fortunate to bring their babies home.  I appreciate not feeling so lonely just knowing that some people still care.  Hopefully Holly doesn't mind me posting this, but here's a few lines from her in an email to me last week.  The caring doesn't stop - and I'm forever grateful...


"Hope today was a better day and you found/find something to smile about."

"Always here for you."


"I am sorry that you have to deal with this pain and I will always be here for you, I just wish there was something any of us could do to change what happened or at the very least bring understanding, peace and happiness back to you.  Sofia's death is truly the saddest most unimaginable thing that I have ever dealt with and it's really shitty that it had to happen to my best friend and a couple that deserves nothing but happiness.  I just showered, so now I am blaming you for messing up my makeup...darn it!  ;)"


On Saturday it was 4 months since we last held our baby girl.  As I was cleaning up the house I thought of Sofia and how she would probably be smiling, cooing & laughing by now.  She would probably be sporting a pony tail with all that dark hair she had.  Then I walked past the living room table and when I looked down at the ground this is what I saw:

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It was a tiny little rainbow shining down on the carpet.  It helped me that day.


Valentine's day has never been a big deal to me.  It seems like an overrated commercial holiday to me.  I'd much rather get flowers on random days throughout the year.  It probably meant a little more when we first started dating but goodness, that was like 12-13 years ago!  Otherwise it was just a fun kids holiday to me.  Then the year after we were married my Godfather, Steve Morinelli suddenly passed away in the night and his funeral was on Valentine's day.  And today we brought some pretty flowers to our daughter except instead of showing them to her and giving her kisses we brought them to her final resting place and blew butterfly kisses in the breeze.  We love you Sofia Rose.


Here are some photos of the Valentine's cards/gifts/flowers for Sofia.  Even more things were brought by Sarah & the girls and my mom & granny later in the day but I don't have photos of them yet.  And I realize the horizontal photos hang over the page but I'm leaving it right now because I have to log off.  I need to learn that everything doesn't have to be "perfect"...so here they are:

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3 comments:

  1. Lia,
    This post is so sweet. I love it when I see rainbows. I think of two things-
    1. You & baby Sofia
    2. Hope that begs for my future. (hopefully soon)

    I forget if I ever told you but Ladybug was TanaLee's nickname and it has special meaning now that she is gone. Thank you for posting the pictures with it.

    I'm sorry that Sofia isn't there for you. I know the pain all to well. I hope that tonight will be good. I'll be thinking of you.
    ~Felicia

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  2. Hi again! I started the blog that I mentioned to you that I was thinking about. Check it out if you get a chance. It's not as pretty as yours but im a rookie. Your blog was my inspiration :). It has helped me connect with others in our situation and has helped me feel less alone. So thank you for that! We are all dealing with the same feelings just at different times and it helps me to see that so I know I'm not totally crazy. Hope u are doing ok.

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  3. Felicia- I think all of us baby loss moms can relate to rainbows. I hope you get your rainbow soon. You did tell me her nickname was Ladybug. That's so cute. I'm glad the pics brought you some happiness. Thanks for your kind words. TanaLee is there for you, too.

    Molly- way to go on the blog! Looks great! Your daughter is adorable too. I'm glad you feel less alone now. You're not crazy-I know how you feel though. At least we all have each other for support. Take care.

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