Friday, August 12, 2011

10 Months

First of all, I can't believe it's already August.  More than that, I can't believe it's already been 10 months since we said good-bye to little Sofia.

This week all the little kids in the neighborhood walked to school with their families and while I sat in traffic looking at their cute faces I thought about how we'll never get to walk Sofia to her first day of school.  I know that had she lived she would only be 10 months now but still, the future-thinking got the best of me and I was sad that we will miss out on that with her in the years ahead.

After a night and early morning full of thunderstorms I received a text and photo from my SIL, Sarah.  It was a photo of a rainbow this morning.  I suppose Sofia was saying hello on this 10 month anniversary.  I'm glad she shared it with me so I could get "the message" too...

From Other Photos

After work today I stopped by a little shop called "The Cottage Door".  They have all kinds of cute little decor for the house, wickless candles, etc.  I stop in every few months to check out their new inventory.  Today there was no question these caught my eye and of course- I bought them!  Even though they are intended to be zipper pulls or cell phone charms, I think I'll hang them from my rear view mirror.  A ladybug for Sofia, a bee for Sam.

From Other Photos

When I got home and before we went out for dinner my sister, Andrea stopped by for a quick visit.  She bought me a little souvenir while on a trip to CO.  She saw it & said she just had to get it.  It's a "good luck" token and I'll probably keep it safe inside my purse.  Lord knows I could use it!  Ladybugs are supposed to bring good luck to so...

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

We went to dinner to Kona tonight.  Mostly because I was craving some crab rolls since I woke up this morning (luckily those are safe to eat while pregnant) and the macadamia nut chicken.  It was tasty as usual and I am stuffed.  While we were walking in to the restaurant I commented to Tim how every time we go there I think about how this was the last place we went out to dinner before Sofia died.  I have mixed emotions about that.  I guess it was fitting that we went there today, 10 months later.

Miss you & love you Sofia Rose! 

Monday, August 8, 2011

1/3 of a Rainbow in Sight

For the past three months I have been living in a world of anxiety, excitement, fear, worry, nervousness, wonder and HOPE.

On June 2, 2011 we received an amazing 10 year anniversary gift.  One that can't be bought.  The gift of learning we had another life joining our family: baby #3.

I wish I could say we were jumping up & down in happiness but the truth is we were both filled with a range of emotions.  It's not that we are not happy, we are, but we have been burned twice in less than a year and it's a very scary place to be.  No control over the outcome.  All I can do is take care of myself, hope & pray that this time is different.

This blog was created specifically to honor Sofia's memory, and so I plan to continue that.  After this post the rest regarding baby on the way will be on a separate blog, dedicated to this new pregnancy and baby.  I realize it might be too difficult for fellow BLM's to read about pregnancy while they are in various stages of grief following their own loss, or while on the sometimes difficult journey of TTC.  I'm sensitive to those feelings and so I don't want to throw it in people's faces when it's too hard to read.  I also want to retain the support of my fellow BLM's because I'm still dealing with the grief of two losses as well.  Edit: you can get to the new blog here or by clicking on the 'Our Rainbow' link on this blog.

I know many people IRL don't understand what we're going through.  It's probably hard for people to comprehend why we might still be sad, upset, filled with worry, etc.  Being pregnant again has not changed ANYTHING as far as the grief we have goes.  It is a new challenge, trying to "relax" (whatever that means) and not stress my body out.

Along with the fears of something going wrong with this pregnancy we both have fears of others viewing a new baby as a replacement.  We don't want Sofia to be forgotten or never mentioned.  I think that's been one of our concerns from the minute we lost her.

It is especially hard for me when I have moments of deep sadness, missing Sofia, and having to suppress some of the emotions that go along with it.  Not long after we found out I was expecting again I had a rough night missing her and I literally stopped myself mid-breakdown because I was then so fearful that I was stressing out myself or the baby.  This is not an easy feat.  I'm one to get my feelings out rather than suppress them but because of our situation I have way too much to lose if I don't.

I have joined a private online support group for 'Rainbow Babies' due Feb. 2012.  It's good to have others to turn to when I have feelings to share that others IRL might not understand. These women have suffered multiple miscarriages, stillbirths, or infant loss and can definitely relate.  I have also been reading a great book: "Pregnancy after a Loss...A Guide to Pregnancy after a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death" by Carol Cirulli Lanham.  It covers so much that we've been going through and is written by another BLM who wrote it because there wasn't a book like it when she experienced a loss and subsequent pregnancy. There are several accounts from other BLM's and how they dealt with other people, their own feelings, and what to expect.  Another great aspect of this book is it further validates what I'm feeling and I know that it is totally normal how I'm dealing with it all.

So far it has been a tough road and I anticipate it will continue to be until this baby is born healthy and we take him or her home with us.  (And probably even after that)  Fortunately I have a new OB who has so far been very accommodating and supportive to our needs.  I've been in every two weeks since we found out and have had several ultrasounds to confirm baby is on track so far.

I am 14 weeks along today, the start of the 2nd trimester.  We have a partial rainbow in sight.  One third of the way.  Praying we see a full rainbow at the end of this road.  Due date is 2/6/12 but we expect to induce some time at the end of January, before I hit 40 weeks.

Here are a couple of the most recent photos of Sofia & Sam's little sibling.  We're sure they had a hand in picking him/her out for us:

3D Image at 12 weeks 2 days
From Our Rainbow
2D Image at 12 weeks 2 days ~ Profile & baby sticking out tongue
From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow