1/3 of a Rainbow in Sight

For the past three months I have been living in a world of anxiety, excitement, fear, worry, nervousness, wonder and HOPE.

On June 2, 2011 we received an amazing 10 year anniversary gift.  One that can't be bought.  The gift of learning we had another life joining our family: baby #3.

I wish I could say we were jumping up & down in happiness but the truth is we were both filled with a range of emotions.  It's not that we are not happy, we are, but we have been burned twice in less than a year and it's a very scary place to be.  No control over the outcome.  All I can do is take care of myself, hope & pray that this time is different.

This blog was created specifically to honor Sofia's memory, and so I plan to continue that.  After this post the rest regarding baby on the way will be on a separate blog, dedicated to this new pregnancy and baby.  I realize it might be too difficult for fellow BLM's to read about pregnancy while they are in various stages of grief following their own loss, or while on the sometimes difficult journey of TTC.  I'm sensitive to those feelings and so I don't want to throw it in people's faces when it's too hard to read.  I also want to retain the support of my fellow BLM's because I'm still dealing with the grief of two losses as well.  Edit: you can get to the new blog here or by clicking on the 'Our Rainbow' link on this blog.

I know many people IRL don't understand what we're going through.  It's probably hard for people to comprehend why we might still be sad, upset, filled with worry, etc.  Being pregnant again has not changed ANYTHING as far as the grief we have goes.  It is a new challenge, trying to "relax" (whatever that means) and not stress my body out.

Along with the fears of something going wrong with this pregnancy we both have fears of others viewing a new baby as a replacement.  We don't want Sofia to be forgotten or never mentioned.  I think that's been one of our concerns from the minute we lost her.

It is especially hard for me when I have moments of deep sadness, missing Sofia, and having to suppress some of the emotions that go along with it.  Not long after we found out I was expecting again I had a rough night missing her and I literally stopped myself mid-breakdown because I was then so fearful that I was stressing out myself or the baby.  This is not an easy feat.  I'm one to get my feelings out rather than suppress them but because of our situation I have way too much to lose if I don't.

I have joined a private online support group for 'Rainbow Babies' due Feb. 2012.  It's good to have others to turn to when I have feelings to share that others IRL might not understand. These women have suffered multiple miscarriages, stillbirths, or infant loss and can definitely relate.  I have also been reading a great book: "Pregnancy after a Loss...A Guide to Pregnancy after a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death" by Carol Cirulli Lanham.  It covers so much that we've been going through and is written by another BLM who wrote it because there wasn't a book like it when she experienced a loss and subsequent pregnancy. There are several accounts from other BLM's and how they dealt with other people, their own feelings, and what to expect.  Another great aspect of this book is it further validates what I'm feeling and I know that it is totally normal how I'm dealing with it all.

So far it has been a tough road and I anticipate it will continue to be until this baby is born healthy and we take him or her home with us.  (And probably even after that)  Fortunately I have a new OB who has so far been very accommodating and supportive to our needs.  I've been in every two weeks since we found out and have had several ultrasounds to confirm baby is on track so far.

I am 14 weeks along today, the start of the 2nd trimester.  We have a partial rainbow in sight.  One third of the way.  Praying we see a full rainbow at the end of this road.  Due date is 2/6/12 but we expect to induce some time at the end of January, before I hit 40 weeks.

Here are a couple of the most recent photos of Sofia & Sam's little sibling.  We're sure they had a hand in picking him/her out for us:

3D Image at 12 weeks 2 days

From Our Rainbow

2D Image at 12 weeks 2 days ~ Profile & baby sticking out tongue

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow