9 Months

I've read this so many times on other BLM's blogs that it almost seems repetitive but I guess we all feel the same when we hit this mark.  Nine months since we said hello & good-bye.  The time that has passed now equals the time Sofia existed.  It seems impossible.  And the sad part is, only Tim & I recognize it today.

We know that she isn't really forgotten but we also know she isn't thought of as often as she might have been (by others) those first few weeks & months.  It's unrealistic to have expectations for others about our dead baby yet it's so hard not to also have feelings of anger as time passes and it seems as though people forget.

It's frustrating to hear insensitive comments or witness insensitive actions especially when made by family.  People don't mean to say the wrong thing and we know this, but at the same time we agree it would feel a whole lot better if people thought about things before they said them.  I have a hard time with this as does Tim, though I'm much more sensitive and vocal about my feelings.  It just sucks that we're in this position and I'm struggling with how to deal with my emotions.

Awhile back someone made the comment something to the effect of, "Don't you figure when you have another baby you'll feel better?".  Clearly people don't get it.  Having another baby will surely fill a void in our lives - the void of raising a child.  Having another baby will NOT "make us feel better".  A child is a child and cannot be replaced!  It's so hard sometimes.

I haven't blogged in quite a while but it isn't because I feel great and cheery and have nothing to blog about.  Actually, it's completely the opposite.  I almost feel like I have so much to blog about I'm overwhelmed so I don't blog at all.  I need to set some time aside for myself but my thoughts seem to come to me at the most inconvenient times.  Sometimes I wish my blog could write itself based on the thoughts in my head...but then again, that might not be a good idea!!

Today I received an email from a BLM I met in April at the child loss conference we attended.  It was very out of the blue and was so nice to hear from her, especially when I hadn't heard from anyone that reminded me of Sofia today.  Which reminds me, I never did post about that conference so that is now on my 'to-do' list for the near future.

Last week I received an email from another BLM I don't know personally but she is also from Omaha and found me/my blog on Faces of Loss.  It was so nice of her to send me a kind email and it reminds me that although sometimes we BLM's feel alone we truly are not.  There is a great support system for us and I'm very grateful for that.

Last year on July 4th I was showing a small belly in my red, white & blue dress and was excited and happy as can be.  I remember having a photo taken in the backyard and then at a family get-together having a photo taken of Tim & I with his cousin Bernie & Jackie who was also pregnant at the time.  I remember thinking how fun it was going to be the next year when the two little ones were crawling around on the 4th.  Instead, Sofia is not here and I was sad.

From Other Photos

This is not what I thought last year when I pictured our life with Sofia.

From Other Photos

I looked through some of Sofia's things tonight, tried to smell her but the small teddy bear with a strong odor overpowered all her things.  I pulled out her lock of hair from the small dragonfly case and was instantly brought back to that day in the hospital when Tim cut it from her small head.  She had so much hair that it wasn't even noticeable that we took some.  It's as close as I'll ever be again to my little girl and it hurts so much.

Nine months has sure passed by quickly but it still stings like it was just moments ago.  We love you Sofia! XXOXXO