Sunday, November 13, 2011

October ~ A Month of Remembrance

This post is a long time overdue. I've had so many thoughts and feelings to blog over the past month and time just seems to be flying by. I usually have my blogging moments when I'm away from my computer then run out of time or am too exhausted to get online & post what is on my mind.  The longer I go without posting the more anxious I get so I thought now is as good a time as any to get an update out here.

Not only is October a month for us to remember Sofia's birthday, but it is also pregnancy & infant loss awareness day on October 15th. We also had a memorial mass on October 3rd at the cemetery for all those lost one year ago.  This will be a very heavy photo post but I actually had tons more that I didn't include...I had to narrow it down somehow!

October 12, 2011 ~ Sofia's 1st Birthday

Tim & I took the day off work on her birthday and it was a somber morning to wake up and not have our little girl with us. Of course we were already used to her not being there but that morning was especially tough. For one thing, it was hard to wrap our minds around the fact that an entire year had passed in a flash. I guess it seemed hard to imagine given the grief we've endured all this time. On a morning where we should be picking up our brown-haired princess out of her crib and telling her about all the fun in store for her big day we instead sat together, hugged and cried.  Nobody ever imagines their child's first birthday in heaven.

The night before we went to a local florist so we could pick out flowers.  I was determined to make my own flower arrangement for her grave. The florist was so nice to stay open for us (we didn't realize they were about to close when I called). She let us go back into the back room and pick out what we wanted. It was the first time I had ever made a real arrangement so I was a bit unsure how many flowers to buy but it ended up being just the right amount. I thought for sure I'd be up until midnight making it so I was pleasantly surprised it only took about an hour! I joked that I might have to add florist to my list of professions. :) It was fun and I love doing creative things - it's my outlet.

Before:
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After:
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We decided to go pick up some birthday balloons and bring them along with her flowers to her grave in the morning so she'd have them all day long. Plus it gave us some time alone with her. We picked out the balloons and I was holding it together until the lady behind the counter asked questions about the birthday girl and holding the balloons, etc. I just said they were for a grave and of course her demeanor changed completely. She felt awful and so did we.  These cute, vibrant 1 year b-day balloons and she doesn't get to hold them. It was such a sad, sinking feeling.  While she was getting the balloons together I noticed a cute little basket on a shelf. We decided to buy it to put the balloon weight in. It was perfect!

From One Year

From One Year

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The rest of the day we hung out at home and I baked & decorated cupcakes for a gathering at her grave after a memorial mass in her name. Another fun/creative thing for me to do & keep my mind occupied so I wouldn't just wallow in self-pity on the couch all day.  If I couldn't throw her a birthday party this was the least I could do.  I decided to teach myself how to frost roses the old-fashioned way. It was easier than I thought! Now I'm a cake decorator too! (kidding) Confetti cupcakes with white frosting, pink roses and lady bugs made from red jelly beans, licorice and black edible marker.

From One Year

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In the evening we attended mass with some of our close family.  It was held by the same priest who did the blessing for Sofia a year before in our hospital room. Hearing her name mentioned out loud was nice. Our mood was more celebratory (we shed plenty of tears earlier in the day) and we headed to the cemetery after mass to enjoy the cupcakes and tell her Happy Birthday one more time.

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I had several ideas on how else we might do something symbolic for her day but wasn't able to do them. I really wanted to release the firework lanterns that are popular this year but with the dry weather, wind and since it's not firework season we thought that would not be such a wise thing to do. We also wanted to do a large balloon release but my fear of harming animals in the environment kept us from buying those. I searched everywhere in town for biodegradable balloons - nobody carries them! We ended up taking one balloon (which I still felt guilty over) and released it. In a way I preferred that over releasing several anyway.  It was one balloon for her 1st birthday, and one for her to have up in heaven. We released it and watched as it floated up and away, quickly into the clouds above. Family was with us and we all watched as it went up to the "heavens". That moment did make me a bit sad.

From One Year

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It's hard to see in this photo but the balloon is visible to the right of the tree and up just a bit...
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Close-ups (macro shots) of a couple roses in her arrangement:
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Flowers & lady bug from Granny:
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The afternoon weather brought some storms and rain and we were on a full look-out for rainbows on the way to church prior to the cemetery. I looked all over the sky and just knew there was a rainbow out there but we couldn't see it. Sure enough, when we were on our way home in the evening (after cupcakes at the cemetery), I saw a text from my cousin Helen. She was unable to make it out with us but I think for good reason (besides having one of her kids' games to attend). I think she needed to be there so she could capture this photo for us. Sofia made her appearance after all! It brought a smile to our face.
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We had a birthday card for Sofia which we kept at home. Other than that, we only received one card for Sofia, from our friends Carrie and Todd. It was so sweet to get it in the mail. We understood that most people wouldn't think to get a card for a baby who isn't here, but it meant a lot for the one we did get:
From One Year
Several people remembered us & Sofia at the one year anniversary of her death. It was so nice to receive the many comments on facebook from people who either saw rainbows or thought of us that day. We also received some kind and meaningful gifts. We're very thankful for all the thoughts, love & support.

Stone from friends Carrie & Nicole ~ for Sofia's rose garden. This was so special. We had planned on getting a stone at some point but hadn't yet. This is perfect & fits right in to her garden. I cried quite a bit when opening this one.
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I just LOVED this card from my bosses at work. It was so thoughtful of them to think of me that week. The lady bug things were so cute too.

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A couple other nice coworkers gave me this. It is so nice to be thought of!
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Another coworker gave me this token. Doesn't this say the truth!? One day at a time is all we can do.
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This little doll was left by family the week of her birthday:
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Two of my close friends took me to brunch and each gave me a nice gift in remembrance of Sofia.
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A blog follower, Sara, sent a gift which was quite a surprise. Thank you! That was so nice & thoughtful!!
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We still have the three lily plants from Sofia's funeral in our house. Every now & then there are blooms. I remember a relative telling me last year that she saw that the lily plant meant Sofia! So fitting. We're sure to stay on top of watering them so they continue to bloom for years to come.
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October 15, 2011 ~ Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day


For months leading up to October 15th I researched, trying to find some kind of local event going on that we could participate in to remember our babies lost. We remembered last year (the day we buried Sofia) there was a local event at a public park but for obvious reasons we didn't make it. We vowed to make it the next year (2011). We were quite disappointed when we found there wasn't an organized event this year. A few things for specific children were going on, but not something we felt was intended for all babies lost. The crazy side of me actually thought about organizing something for a moment...then came to my senses. I have far too much going on right now to take something like that on, at least for now.  We did light a candle for both Sofia and Sam at 7:00 pm. Candles burned across the globe for all the little ones gone too soon.  It was nice that a few family members joined in on the candle-lighting as well.

From One Year

From One Year


October 3, 2011 ~ Memorial Mass


I remember being at this mass last year when we first received Sofia's candle and heard her name read aloud. It was hard to believe we were there again, this time marking the one year anniversary since she was buried. I held it together most of the mass but fell apart at the end. Fortunately I have Tim's shoulder to cry on. I wished (and still wish) that her story was different. I wish she were here.

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I look pretty worn out in this photo because I was- mentally exhausted. Usually Tim/Daddy picks out the flowers but this day it was my turn.
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The signs continue to show up for us and we believe that Sofia is around always. There's not a day that goes by that Tim & I don't talk about her or think of her. Tim says he often takes a moment out of his day at work to look at her photos on his desk. We talk to her often and remember her always. Lady bugs continue to show up both outside and by our windows.  One recent morning before I left for work there was a huge dragonfly on the screen. I thought of Sofia immediately. Down below in the yard (blurred background) Sofia's rose garden is visible. That dragonfly hung out until I finally had to leave for work.
From One Year

I have so much more to say, so much more on my mind, but will have to do some follow-up posts here soon. I may have lost some readers by now and that's ok. This has always been for Sofia, for me, and for anyone who wants to continue reading. I'm hoping to post more often and not let time get in the way...














Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Cemetery Visit & Statue Area Changes

A few weeks ago I posted about Sofia's stone by the angel statue at the cemetery and how we weren't sure what they were doing to the area. The stones were all removed and the angel statue was put onto a pallet off into the grass. I was concerned about the placement of her stone and whether or not they'd put it back in the right place (assuming they would not).

We went back last week after work one night and saw they placed the stones back but this time they were in a framed concrete barrier to keep them better aligned. Her stone was not in the same place, so at first I was a bit frustrated.  Then we found her stone- it ended up just to the left of the angel statue! We think it's in an even better place now than it was before.  I snapped a few pictures with my phone.
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There used to be a line of small bushes that surrounded the stones but they for whatever reason decided to yank them all out. I had never (or at least don't remember) looked behind the statue until this day. On the back there is a nice prayer:

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There were some new gifts for Sofia at her grave too. Thanks Aunt Gloria for the two birds, Ann for the lady bug, and mom for the dragonfly!

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We normally visit Sofia on the weekends too, and bring her fresh flowers. This past Sunday I was in the area so I bought her flowers and went to the cemetery alone.
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I put her flowers in a vase then wandered over to the angel statue to see what changed. They planted a pink rose tree just behind the statue! So now Sofia's stone is by an angel and a tree of pink roses. I love that, and even though it's just a stone, and not her grave, it's nice that something special in her name is in such a great spot, something we will visit for years to come.
From Other Photos
From Other Photos

Usually we don't run into other people in the baby section but as I started walking back towards Sofia's grave another car pulled up. A gal about my age was walking in the first row of baby graves with two white roses in her hand and I said hello. She said hi back then started telling me how a good friend of hers lost a baby recently and they come every weekend to visit but they were unable to so she was bringing flowers for them. She had never been there before so she couldn't find the baby boy's stone. I explained to her how some new stones were in the front row to the left of the statue, some to the right, and then a larger cluster of new graves/stones were in the area near Sofia's (I pointed in that direction).  I asked her the baby's name and we started looking. She walked right over to Sofia's and looked (probably because of all the things she has) and I said, "she's ours".  I felt a knot in my throat as I said it. She looked at me & said how sorry she was.  All I could say was thanks and kept walking, looking for the baby boy's grave.

There was another person that walked up and was talking to her- I think he might have worked for the cemetery based on what conversation I heard. Then I found the one she was looking for.  I pointed to it and she said thanks. In a hurry, I gathered up the things I had to put in my car and as I started walking away the tears began to flow. I kept thinking, please let me not loose it until I get in my car! I tossed the stuff in the back then hopped in, tears streaming down my face. Then I cried uncontrollably. This had been a good weekend- the celebration of her new sister the night before- but I was an emotional mess.

I thought to myself how sad/odd it is that I'm so familiar with this cemetery that I know where all the new graves are, as if it were a little city that I know my way around like the back of my hand. Then I thought, it's almost been a year of visits every single week. I was so sad, so overcome with emotion as I drove away.  I just miss her so much and the fact that we have a baby on the way doesn't take that pain and sorrow away. I should be planning a one year birthday party with cake, presents, fun & laughter, cute smiles- the works. Instead I'm left contemplating how exactly we should celebrate her short life, with her not here.  As I drove up the hill I noticed a bunch of water shooting into the sky. Someone must've run a vehicle or something into one of the pipes meant for filling vases with water because the pipe was on the ground and it looked like a huge geyser shooting up in the air, water spilling into the street. It was a good distraction I guess, because it calmed me down a bit. Sigh... I drove home, mentally exhausted. I miss her a lot.