Saturday, June 30, 2012

Enough Already

I'm tired of the grief, the sadness and all the pain. When Sofia died I knew my life would never be the same and I continue to discover what my new "normal" is. I'll always walk with a heavy heart missing my first girl.

It's hard dealing with the compounded pain with the recent loss of my Granny. She developed an infection that her body could not fight and she passed away on Friday, May 25th.  She was ready; she said many times before that she was old, tired, and ready for heaven. I wasn't ready for her to go.  When the nurse called to say we should get back up to the hospital an hour after we left, I rode up there with my parents. My mom & I entered the ICU and I overheard a nurse as she walked out of Granny's room: "She's not going to make it to 11:00 pm". I hurried my steps a little and my mom & I stood on either side of her bed. Within five minutes she took her last breaths.

I'm still trying to cope with her loss and though I was still grieving for Sofia this has brought many old emotions back to the surface. Losing Sofia means losing a lifetime of memories we never had the chance to make.  Losing my Granny means losing a life I hold more memories with than I can count.

She was 80 years old and has lived in the same house my entire life (and most of hers). So many traditions - Christmas Eve being a huge one - will be sorely missed. I was very close with her; we went to lunch nearly every Saturday for as long as I can remember. I can't even imagine life with her not in it.  Every day I think about her and how I wish this wasn't reality.

Granny was only in the hospital for one week before she passed away. Unfortunately the infection affected her brain and she was no longer coherent. I'll always have a haunting memory of seeing her take her last breaths but I'll also be forever grateful for the last real conversation I had with her. It was on Mother's Day and when we were leaving her house I gave her a hug, a kiss and told her I loved her and she did the same in return. I admit I did have a sense that her time was limited and I thought about it as I said those words. Granny being the emotional person that she was had tears in her eyes.

A couple weeks after Granny died, my Great Aunt Betty died. She was full of life until the end. I heard she was singing "New York, New York" at 1:00 am the day before she passed away. She was always a cheerful, happy person to be around. Even though she lived a full life and lived to 90 years old, it doesn't make it any easier.

Granny was one of very few people who continually bring flowers to Sofia's grave. I always knew when it was a bouquet from her. I'm sad she won't be visiting her there anymore but I pray to God that she is up in heaven taking turns with the rest of our loved ones lost, holding Sofia close.

Everyone deals with loss at some point, it's just hard having so much loss in what feels like a short amount of time. I have up days then down days. Lately it has been more down. I'm grateful for having our baby Rose to keep my spirits up.