It was mostly a getaway for our minds but it was also kind of an anniversary trip for 10 years. Our honeymoon was in Jamaica so we thought it would be nice to go back there. We didn't even leave the resort but that's OK. That was the intention. We normally are adventurous and do excursions, sight-seeing, shopping, etc. This time was just to relax. Besides, we've been there, done that.
Relaxing doesn't mean escaping though. Of course Sofia was on our minds. When we were walking the open air hallway toward our room after checking in we walked by this large painting of a hibiscus flower and knew Sofia was with us.
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| From Jamaica Trip |
The next day on the beach it was very breezy off the ocean and in the distance I heard music coming from the resort. I couldn't believe my ears. It was Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, the same version played at Sofia's funeral. I feel we were meant to hear it that day
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| From Jamaica Trip |
It was nice just spending time together, not worrying about where to be, what to do next. Sometimes you have to be forced to have a good time. Jamaica is the right place for that, and it was easy to do. One day we played in the sand. Sounds silly but it was fun writing things in the sand, not caring about people around us. Tim collected items on the beach for me to spell out Sofia's name. I spelled out Sam's name too along with fellow BLM Molly's son's name, Hayes. It was nice.
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| From Jamaica Trip |
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| From Jamaica Trip |
While I didn't feel as comfortable in a bathing suit as I did 10 years ago, I didn't care because 10 years ago I hadn't just had a full term baby within 8 months, and I didn't have all the stress that grief can bring. To think that back then I thought stress was planning a wedding. Oh, if I only knew then what I know now...
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| From Jamaica Trip |
So we lounged at the pool, lounged at the beach, went to the Jerk Chicken Hut for our daily lunch on the beach. We swam in the crystal-clear ocean, kayaked the reef. We talked about our life, where we've been, where we are, and where we're going.
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| From Jamaica Trip |
On the flight home I was thinking about Sofia again and was happy to look out my window of the airplane to see a little rainbow. Then I saw a full circular rainbow around the shadow of our plane.
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| From Jamaica Trip |
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| From Jamaica Trip |
Like I said before, it was a getaway but not an escape. We knew that. I didn't expect to be 'all better' after a week in the sun. No, life didn't change magically from taking a short trip. Reality was right there waiting for us when we got home.
For the first time since probably November, on Sunday I pulled open the drawers in Sofia's room. A rush of memories & emotions came over me. All the onesies, socks, bibs, etc. that I had washed & folded in the weeks leading up to her birth still folded in place in the drawers. I remember imagining our baby in those clothes. The 'Baby's First Thanksgiving' outfit still sits on top. Sigh. I opened the closet door and looked inside for a few minutes. The original coming home outfits we had bought still hang from the hangars. The 'Baby's First Halloween' outfit hangs there too. More emotions, more memories. All the little things we bought along the way, planned to use sit still in her room. If we bring another baby home some day there are things we will put away because they were bought specifically for her. It's hard to imagine any other baby besides her.
Last night I had a hard time falling asleep (and staying asleep). I woke up every few hours. I just could not sleep. When it was time to wake up for work I was finally ready for bed. Ugh. I showered & as I was drying my hair I just started to cry. I'm missing Sofia in a big way right now. One of our dogs, Maggie came over to my side to console me. She wouldn't rest until I stopped crying so I obliged. She was rewarded for her good deed after work tonight, with a long walk. It was good for me to get out too.
So beautiful. Glad you were able to get away and enjoy some time together...
ReplyDeleteOur nursery (save for it being filled with the still-in-the-box playpen) remains as it was when Jack died. Clean clothes tucked and sorted for their first wear. :(
Omg, I just sent u the email about me looking thru Hayes' closet without reading this and finding out you had done the same. Wow. We all think so much alike--it is crazy! Thank u again for the pics!! :)
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