Sunday, January 9, 2011

Mixed Bag

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions. Christmas and New Years Eve celebrations over, time to go back to work, and this time it's back to regular schedule and hours. Going back on Monday, the 3rd was somewhat difficult. I was glad to go back to work but at the same time I couldn't help but think that it was this day that I would have started back to work after my full maternity leave. I was supposed to have those feelings of separation anxiety from dropping her off at day care. I was supposed to be trying to contain my emotions and get right back in the swing of things. It would be OK though, because I'd have my baby to come home to each night.

Well I did have the separation anxiety - that's something I've felt every day since October 12th, 2010. I don't know if that will ever completely go away. It's not as bad every second of the day like it was in the hospital, but it's still very hard. I have more moments in the day now where I don't have that strong motherly instinct to hold my baby compared to a couple months ago. They're still there, just not as often. I managed to get through the work day and catch myself up on things.

Then came Tuesday. I can't pinpoint what exactly it was but something about the day just got to me. I started to cry at my desk but didn't want to disrupt anyone so I left and cried in the bathroom. I tried to keep my emotions in but I felt like bursting into tears at every turn. Being back to work is good but I can't help but remember most of 2010 I was pregnant at the office. My baby bump isn't there anymore when I look down at my desk. I'm back to walking fast down the hallways. I have a photo of Sofia at my desk in a cute little lady bug frame by the photos of Tim and our wedding picture. If she'd have lived I'd have a TON of her photos up but most of the photos I have are too sad for work. People ask how I'm doing and I say OK...because saying how I really feel would probably scare off anyone who asked. Later that night I cried the hardest I've cried since being in the hospital. I think the shock and numbness is wearing off. Every day that passes by is a day further from the last time I got to see and hold my baby girl. I hate it. I want her so badly.

I've been "strong" for so long but just as I expected, it came back full force. I know I need to think positively and we do have our futures to think of but right now I'm sad and angry that we didn't get the chance to raise our child. It'll never make sense to us. I still have a strong desire to know what happened. Not "why did God take her as an angel so young..." - I want to know scientifically & medically what happened! I'm a logical thinker so it's so hard for me to not have these thoughts. Partly I feel like I need to know because then I can "blame" it on something. I also feel like if I knew what happened it would be something concrete that I could NOT do the next time. I have a sense of guilt (and I know I shouldn't blame myself) but I feel like I let her down. What if I could have saved her? I constantly go back to that Sunday (her due date) and I had that feeling/thought that I hadn't felt baby move. Then I felt a kick so I dismissed my thought. I wish I would have known to be more concerned so I could have rushed to the hospital. Maybe they could've taken her out and she would have lived. I understand that it might not have been anything that we could have changed, but not knowing just leaves that as an open question in my mind. I'm not exactly sure how to put that desire to rest.

Wednesday was kind of hard too; I cried a few times at work and tried to focus. It's so hard to try and not think about her. It's so crappy that I have to do that. If she were alive I think I could focus easier. I could tell myself that I'll get to see her when I get home so stop thinking about her for now. I don't get that option. I get to think about not having her every minute of the day. It is definitely a challenge for me.

I still enjoy being around other babies but I will say that this week was difficult in that area. I write this knowing full well that some coworkers do read the blog, so if you're one of them, I hope you understand I'm just being honest about my feelings.

Two coworkers were having babies in October 2010 also. I was pregnant first, then a gal on my team and then a guy on our team (his wife). Of course we talked about pregnancy & babies for many months with anticipation. We shared stories and pregnancy woes. We talked about the excitement and how awesome it is to have a person growing inside our bellies. We talked about the worries too, even lack of movement came up in conversation. Of course, my story didn't have a happy ending. They both went on to have their babies coincidentally on the same day, Oct. 27th.

I didn't know how I would feel when my gal coworker came in with her baby for a visit on Friday. As it turns out, it was way harder than I thought it would be. Probably because my week was already full of emotions. I was glad to see her baby boy and hold him - he's very sweet - but I did have a knot in my throat. I really was afraid I'd start crying but I held it together. The last thing I want to do is make anyone uncomfortable. Everyone should be happy and be able to share their excitement - I would too. It was hard though. Hearing them talk about their babies & their sleep patterns, etc. just makes me think about how I should be contributing to that conversation too. I would have loved to show off my baby to anyone who'd look - she was a beauty! Instead I had a funeral service where my baby didn't even look like she did in the hospital. That's how most people we know got to meet her...and she was gone. And through photos on this blog. That's where it ends for me with regard to Sofia. That makes me so sad. I am genuinely happy for them though. I'm happy for anyone who goes through an entire pregnancy - a miracle in itself - and brings a healthy baby home.

I also have family & friends who have had babies within weeks of Sofia. It's tough because at every stage we're reminded of how big Sofia would be or what she'd be doing. Those first smiles, holding her head up, and on & on... I still like being around them but it's like a double-edged sword. It's not fair to be in this position. All I can do is keep moving forward and hope that we receive continued support.

We have some picture frames up now with Sofia's photos in the family room. She has several shelves. I found a battery-operated flameless candle and decided to decorate it with a sheer ribbon and an "S" charm. It's on a timer so it comes on every evening around 5:00 PM and stays lit for a few hours. It looks nice and it's a reminder of her for us.
From Other Photos

As if emotions weren't high enough, tragedy struck the Millard community on Wed., Jan. 5th when a suspended student returned to school at Millard South, shooting the principal & vice principal. The principal, Mr. Case was taken to the hospital and survived. The vice principal, Dr. Kaspar, did not make it. The student took his own life shortly after leaving the school. It hits pretty close to home when you can picture exactly where the shooting took place. I walked those hallways years ago. Back then Dr. Kaspar was a teacher although I didn't have her as mine. So many of us [former MSHS classmates] have come together on facebook. We're all saddened by this tragedy and personally I mourn for the losses and for the actions he took that day. The feeling of loss & grief is still so fresh for me that although circumstances are completely different I can imagine the sadness those families have at this time. I hope they can find peace. (Here's a link to an article on what happened:

This weekend I'm doing a little better. I did a photo shoot with my cousin's almost 9 month old baby Gianna so I had fun in my creative outlet. Earlier in the week I painted a small watercolor painting of three roses just for fun. Friday night I spent some quality time with my good friend Holly - I thank God for her in my life. She's been there for me every step of the way. We had dinner Sat. night with family for Tim's birthday. Great food, a couple bottles of wine and several laughs. It did us some good! Today we're watching to see how much of the white stuff will fall. Hopefully this week will be easier on me than the last.


  1. How was Wednesday at St Roberts?

  2. I came across your blog after reading your story on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I'm so incredibly sorry for the loss of Sofia, she was a beautiful baby and it is evident she is loved dearly.
    I can relate to what you said about co-workers who were pregnant with you, I've had the same problem at my job, there were several women in the hospital that were due the same month as me and it has been difficult to see them return from their maternity leaves and talk about their babies. I'm sorry for the loss in your community as well, the shooting was terribly tragic.
    Sending hope that you find strength in the moments you need it most ((hugs))

  3. Sarah-I might post about St. Roberts; thanks for asking! By now you know how it went. :)

    Rebecca-Thank you. We think she's a pretty cute little baby too. I appreciate you reading our story. I'm sorry for your loss as well. ((Hugs)) back.