Visit from a lady...

Sigh... Where to start? The past week has been a rough one for me. I've been hard on myself and although the rational thoughts in my mind tell me I shouldn't think certain things, I can't help it.

A week ago Friday I woke up to a dream that I wish would have lasted much, much longer than it did. Many of the details are fuzzy now and were that morning but what I do remember is that there was a baby. It might have been Sofia but I can't remember. I do know it was my baby though and it was a girl. I remember holding her and having a very strong bond. That's about all I can remember. So when I woke up I was so upset because I realized it was only a dream. I wanted so badly to fall back asleep and hold her again. Instead, I had to get out of bed and go about my day with the strongest urge to hold my baby. It's a feeling I can only assume other mothers (who get to keep their babies) have when their baby is crying in another room and they rush to their side to console them. It's that "momma bear" feeling of protectiveness and mothering. How does a mom mother her baby when her baby is not here physically? It is so hard. It's an aching feeling that won't go away. It lasted for about a week; it comes and goes daily but it was much stronger after that realistic dream.

Then came the rush of feelings that I thought were over. The wave of emotions I knew would come back eventually finally did. Little snapshots of that week keep flashing in my mind. Walking up to the desk at my OB's office, joking with the lady & saying that she "jinxed" me for saying the week prior that I'd have the baby before I hit 40 weeks. The image of my baby's still body on the ultrasound. Sitting in the hospital while everyone talked funeral arrangements while I sat there numb both physically and mentally, waiting for labor to progress. The second Tim cut the umbilical cord and our lifeless baby girl being whisked away. The sadness in the hospital room and saying good-bye to her.

I want so badly to go back to that day and hold her just a little longer. I know that it would never be enough. If I held her for an hour longer I'd wish for two more hours. A lifetime isn't enough, how in the world can just a few hours be?

While I'm very fortunate for what I do have in life I still have a great emptiness where Sofia should be. She's always in our hearts and in our minds but that's just not enough. In a strange way it's like if I replay the events in my mind again maybe the outcome will change. I know it won't, but sometimes I feel like that when I replay it over & over in my mind. I WANT it to be a different ending but it's not possible. Babies are born every day all over the world; why did this have to happen to me? Why does it happen at all...

Most of the past week has been filled with these thoughts & feelings and while I still feel sad as I write this tonight, I think Sofia might have sent me a sign yesterday.

I was going to lunch with my Mom, Granny & sister on Saturday. My Mom was picking me up and while I waited for her I opened up the coat closet and pulled out my red coat. Something caught my eye in a flash. Tim was standing behind me and I asked if he saw it. I asked if he saw the bug fly out and he did. I swore it was a lady bug because I saw a bit of red color fly past my eye. I began a desperate search to find it and there it was, on the blinds by the front door. A lady bug! I couldn't believe it. What was the lady bug doing in the closet in the middle of winter? Tim & I just looked at each other. Of course I then ran for my camera! Maybe she knew how hard the week has been for me and was sending a message. Maybe it was just a bug hiding in a closet. I'd like to think it was her. After all, her room has lady bugs painted on the walls and on her crib sheets. I can't help but wonder...

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