5 Months

It's crazy how fast time goes by.  I've probably thought and said this a hundred times in the past few months.  We both can't believe how quickly time can pass yet feel like it stands still.

We stay busy, we venture out, we smile & sometimes laugh, but we still have an enormous void where our baby should be.  The thoughts pop into my head randomly throughout every day.  It might be a simple task like putting on my shoes and *BAM* I'm brought back to that day.  When moments before I might have been smiling I'm suddenly crushed and ready to burst into tears.

Something strange occurred on Friday morning.  While I was in the shower I noticed a strange mark on my leg.  I kept trying to figure out what it was, where it could have come from but nothing made sense.  It was a marking that looked like someone's hand but without the palm.  I kept trying to recreate the mark on my other leg and in the place next to the mark but nothing worked.  I was perplexed (and still am).  I hadn't been holding my leg.  Tim was at work (and hadn't been holding my leg either), and I wasn't resting my leg on anything that would have made the mark.  It was simply unexplainable and it stayed there for at least an hour.  I had to get dressed for work so I'm not sure how long it lasted but it was gone when I returned home yesterday.  To some it might sound strange or silly but I know others out there will understand that part of me wonders if it isn't something more...

We visited Sofia today.  The weather is starting to get a little warmer and tiny blades of grass are beginning to emerge from the ground but likely there will be more snow before we can officially say good-bye to winter.  We decided to take home most of the Valentine's decor and put out some more Spring-like things to brighten up her spot.

My mom had been there earlier in the week and she dropped off a flag that sticks in the ground.  It has a white background and a black 'S'.  I was upset to find that the wind had blown it away and was nowhere to be found.  We saw another baby's grave with a similar flag stand and theirs was missing too.  It makes me sad thinking it might be up against a fence or being run over in a street somewhere.

About a month ago Sofia got a new "neighbor" in the row in front of her and slightly to the left.  It's always sad to see the ground like that, knowing the stage of grief the baby's parents are likely in.  There isn't a stone in yet (probably due to the season) but they did bring up a nice little angel statue.  Here's a photo of it and you can sort of see Sofia's things in the upper right-hand corner distance.

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We brought some bright butterflies and a cross with tiny roses on it.

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We also saw a new pink rose and a little monkey stuffed animal; thank you to the person(s) who brought these.

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In the row behind Sofia's is a plot of a baby boy born last August.  We saw a new note with a little stuffed animal.  Wow, the father is in Iraq which means he is grieving for his son way across the globe while his wife is here without him.  He can't go to his son's grave.  We had a feeling of sadness come over us when we saw this.  Tim had a tear on his cheek.

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Across the street there is a tall statue of Mary.  We often go over and look at it as we did today.  It's nice that Sofia has so many nice statues around her.

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Five months.  I still can't believe it.

Back in Time

The day we found out our baby had died was the day we began moving every baby item in the house into the nursery.  The pack n play, strollers, car seat & bases, blankets, books, etc. were all moved into Sofia's room.  The room is so packed full of things now that we can barely walk in.  Since we have pets we keep the door closed but every now and then we go in and look around.

Today was one of those days.  Walking in the room is like stepping into a time warp.  Even more so since I rarely go in.  The vent is closed so it's cold and the only sound is the tick-tock of the lady bug clock  I bought in Breckenridge last summer. Otherwise it is complete silence.

It's a strange feeling; it takes me back to happy times when we were anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first born.  I remember clearing out the room and Tim painting from floor to ceiling in a soft shade of sky blue.  I remember the nights after work paining the bugs on the walls and clouds in the "sky".  As my belly grew, I sat in the rocking chair when my Dad came over to hang the mirror over the changing table and put up the shelves on the wall that he made to match the white shelves I found at the flea market.  I distinctly remember she was kicking me a lot that day.  I remember Tim surprising me by assembling the crib one day before I came home from work.  We were so happy then.

The blankets from the hospital are still wrapped in our plastic"take-home" bag.  Every now & then I take one out and hold it close and try to catch her scent.  In some ways it makes me feel closer to her.  I just wish I was holding her in them and not stuffing them back into a bag for preservation.

The room is filled with so much love, happiness, hope... Maybe that's why when I go in it is just for a short while, to ensure none of those elements somehow escape when the door opens.

I went to Kohl's this weekend and they are selling the "Kohl's Cares" books and stuffed animals with the Eric Carle book.  Since we already had a smaller version of the book (a gift from my parents while I was pregnant), I decided to just get the caterpillar.  The lady bug is cute too but I have several lady bugs and thought the caterpillar was pretty cute.  I'm sad that I'm buying it for a room where no child can see or play with it but eventually we hope that won't be the case.

My sister-in-law, Sarah and the girls bought a rubber ball for Sofia's room recently.  It's green and has lady bugs on it.  It's a nice addition to the room.  It's nice that we can still add to the room even after she is gone.  For her, for her future siblings, and for us.

Here are photos of Sofia's room before we lost her (before we moved everything from the rest of the house in) and of the caterpillar and lady bug ball...

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Stone by the Angel

Although I haven't blogged as frequently lately it is by no means a reflection on how I feel these days.  Some things recently have upset us and we're having difficulty in dealing with those emotions.  We took a trip last weekend to Chicago - we needed a getaway.  We had a good time downtown and the weather wasn't as cold as it can get in the windy city so it made walking up & down the city blocks more bearable.  We made a road trip out of it with Tim's cousin Bernie & Jackie.  Here are a few pictures from downtown.

On the train, en route to Chicago

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Just off the train - Union Station, Chicago

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On steps of Union Station, Chicago

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Reflections on the bean, downtown Chicago

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Under the bean, that's me in the center looking up

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Us holding hands, reflection on the bean, downtown Chicago

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My cousin had her baby on Friday.  It was a surprise - a girl.  It was quite bittersweet for us.  We are very happy for them but it was so hard knowing my parents were up at the hospital waiting with anticipation and experiencing a happy outcome for someone else's baby.  I want so much for that to be us back in October.  I held her for awhile and kept my composure - until I got in my car and drove away from the hospital and right past my baby girl's burial site.  I tearfully waved as I drove past and said, "Hi Sofia, mommy loves you".  I'm not sure what was harder - driving in the snowy blizzard-like conditions on the interstate or trying to see past my tears.  It was nice to spend the evening with Holly and just talk.

We visited Sofia on Saturday.  There was more fresh snow covering her grave and Tim shoveled a path once again.  We also went over to the angel statue and saw the new stone that was put in.  This was from her grandparents (Tim's parents). We love how it turned out and the coloring of the stone is great.  It's nice to see her name carved in another place, another mark in this world proving her existence.

Sofia's stone is in the foreground

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I think the star symbolizes she was stillborn

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People say that time heals all wounds but I have yet to find this to be true.  For me the aching in my heart only increases as time goes by.  Saturday night we went over to Tim's parents house to celebrate his Dad's birthday.  On the way home I commented to Tim about how nice it was that his nieces Lily & Lucy were so playful that night.  They really seemed to be warming up to him and even sat in his lap when they tossed the ball, etc.  Just as I mentioned this to him he began to cry.  He realizes what he will never have with his own little girl.  We cried all the way home.  Life can sure be cruel.

Happy Valentine's Day, Sofia Rose~

It's been awhile since I posted last.  It isn't so much because I had nothing to say.  It's more that I've been keeping myself occupied with my hobbies and work that I barely have a moment to spare.  Additionally, I have had some feelings of frustration lately and keep contemplating how to go about expressing those thoughts without sounding crabby.


As we approached last Saturday, 2.12.2011 (4 months since we said good-bye), I was growing more sad and annoyed by our entire "situation".  I understand our baby girl is not ever coming back and we keep moving forward day after day, but the feelings of frustration come in when we feel like she is somehow being forced out with one word: silence.  Not by us, but by people who are not comfortable talking about her so they don't.  Whether it's well-intended or not, it hurts.  It's not fair.  She's our girl and we miss her so much.  We aren't that married couple who just doesn't want kids... We have one - she just isn't here physically.  I suppose it's too much for some to handle and yes, everyone grieves differently, but my thoughts on that are nobody can feel the pain as much as we do.  Why inflict more pain by acting as if she never existed?  We are extremely grateful for the people who do keep talking to us about her - it means more than anything right now.


I've said it before but I'll say it again - besides having a best friend in my husband, I am so lucky to also have one of the greatest friends on earth.  Not sure how I'd be today without Holly's friendship.  This has been such a tough road but she's been there for me every day.  For almost 4 months straight she texted me every day just to check in.  I don't expect that from anyone but just a short message letting me know that she cared meant so much.  Grieving for a lost baby is so painful and lonely when so many people around us have been fortunate to bring their babies home.  I appreciate not feeling so lonely just knowing that some people still care.  Hopefully Holly doesn't mind me posting this, but here's a few lines from her in an email to me last week.  The caring doesn't stop - and I'm forever grateful...


"Hope today was a better day and you found/find something to smile about."

"Always here for you."


"I am sorry that you have to deal with this pain and I will always be here for you, I just wish there was something any of us could do to change what happened or at the very least bring understanding, peace and happiness back to you.  Sofia's death is truly the saddest most unimaginable thing that I have ever dealt with and it's really shitty that it had to happen to my best friend and a couple that deserves nothing but happiness.  I just showered, so now I am blaming you for messing up my makeup...darn it!  ;)"


On Saturday it was 4 months since we last held our baby girl.  As I was cleaning up the house I thought of Sofia and how she would probably be smiling, cooing & laughing by now.  She would probably be sporting a pony tail with all that dark hair she had.  Then I walked past the living room table and when I looked down at the ground this is what I saw:

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It was a tiny little rainbow shining down on the carpet.  It helped me that day.


Valentine's day has never been a big deal to me.  It seems like an overrated commercial holiday to me.  I'd much rather get flowers on random days throughout the year.  It probably meant a little more when we first started dating but goodness, that was like 12-13 years ago!  Otherwise it was just a fun kids holiday to me.  Then the year after we were married my Godfather, Steve Morinelli suddenly passed away in the night and his funeral was on Valentine's day.  And today we brought some pretty flowers to our daughter except instead of showing them to her and giving her kisses we brought them to her final resting place and blew butterfly kisses in the breeze.  We love you Sofia Rose.


Here are some photos of the Valentine's cards/gifts/flowers for Sofia.  Even more things were brought by Sarah & the girls and my mom & granny later in the day but I don't have photos of them yet.  And I realize the horizontal photos hang over the page but I'm leaving it right now because I have to log off.  I need to learn that everything doesn't have to be "perfect"...so here they are:

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Lyrics

I'm not sure why but I never used to pay much attention to the lyrics in a song.  I love music and of course there are lyrics I know but to really "feel" the song is something I didn't fully experience until we lost Sofia.

Just the other day I was listening to my Pandora station and a song by Kenny Chesney came on then I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  I had heard it many times before but now it had more meaning to me.  With the exception of a few words in the first verse about a smile and laughin' (because I never got to see or hear them from Sofia) this could have been written by me.

I picture myself at 70 years old, sitting in a rocking chair looking out at the mountains and singing this song.  I have read countless stories of other women who have lost their babies and they go their entire lives thinking of their lost child.  Life goes on, things change, distractions and time ease the pain, more children may bring happiness, but the sadness and longing to hold that baby will never - ever go away.

Who You'd Be Today lyrics

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

A Year Ago Today

It was the most exciting day of our lives.  This was the day we found out we were expecting our very first baby.  I can't believe it's already been a year.  I remember that day so clearly, as if it were yesterday.  I was shocked to see the word "Pregnant" on the home pregnancy test; so surprised and filled with disbelief and happiness that I made an appointment that morning to have my blood drawn to confirm it.  Sure enough, it was true!  I picked up a dozen balloons and a toy truck to tie them to and put them in what would become the nursery.  When Tim came home I had him go in the room to get something for me (and he didn't even look up to see the balloons!).  I had him go back in and he couldn't believe it.  Shortly after we sat talking about it when the nurse called to confirm my blood work and my estimated delivery date: 10-10-10.

Little did we know what significance that date would have for us later in the year, the day she passed away.  I wish I could go back and warn myself to be extra careful (but how could I have been!?).  I wouldn't tell myself to not get excited because that was the best 9 months of my adult life.  I loved being pregnant.  Nothing can change what's done but I sure which it could sometimes.

Here are some photos from that day...

I wrote down the date the morning I found out before work. 2/3/10.

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Here's the surprise I had waiting for Tim when he got home that day.

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A closer look...

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February Decorations

We made a stop on Sunday to visit Sofia. Much of the snow had melted including my snow angel but I could still see where the angel wings were because more of the ground was visible in those parts. We decided to take down some of the Christmas decor and put up some Valentine's Day decorations for February. Wow, the ground is frozen solid this time of year! Some of the decorations had to stay because we couldn't get them out of the ground. What we could get I put in a bag to take home. Nothing gets tossed unless it's biodegradable (the orange, pumpkins, etc). We're saving everything we can.

With the ground being so frozen it was tough even for Tim to put into the ground but we did the best we could. We brought the heart which is very similar to the red wreath that was there before.

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Here is a bag of candy hearts (erasers) and a pretty heart pin we found at the antique store.  She's the first person we thought of when we saw it.  I pinned a ribbon to it and wrote a note to her.

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I found this little stone and thought it was perfect for Sofia.

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Here is a little pink Valentine's box I decorated for Sofia. We wrote a little Valentine to her and placed it inside. Anyone who goes to visit please drop one off for her - she (and we) would love it. When I was decorating it I remembered being a child and all the fun I had with my mom & sister, sitting in the dining room or kitchen, decorating our Valentine's boxes for school. I realized this is yet another thing I'll never get to do with Sofia but I was happy to make one for her.  Oh, and the little snow globe on the left of a doggie holding a "Love You" heart.

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Here's a pink sequin heart we put in with the poinsettia & white-turned-pink rose.

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Later in the day my mom & sister paid a visit to Sofia. My mom made this cute little fence with hearts and bows on it. She had hoped to get it in the ground, standing up near her stone but the ground was too frozen. I think it looks pretty like this too.

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My sister brought these "Happy Valentine's Day" signs to stick in the ground but they look great in with the flowers. My mom also brought the cute little lady bug with heart shaped wings.

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