Sofia's Garden - Early Stages

When Sofia died we received many cards of sympathy, donations to the church and other gifts.  We received the tree from good friends in honor of Sofia that we planted in the front yard.  We also received a generous gift of money from former coworkers/friends, some of Tim's coworkers, and from my mom's teacher friends (whom I've known my whole life) to be used towards a rose garden in memory of Sofia.

Now that Spring is here we're starting to plan and work on creating Sofia's rose garden in our backyard.  This will be a place for us to think of her and enjoy my favorite flower of all, the rose.

Tim has already removed the sod for the area it will be, and this weekend we decided to scout out some water fountains.  We ended up buying a big chunk of the items on our list!

We spotted a water fountain as soon as we walked in to Mulhall's but it had a yellow tag on it (on hold for someone until 4/15).  It was 4/16 so that was up, but we weren't sure what the story was so we decided we'd take a look at what else was there.  We found many we loved - some well outside our budget - and we narrowed it down to two that we thought would be perfect (and could afford!).  We went back to the one we saw first and asked about it.  It turned out the people didn't want it after all so it was ours if we wanted it.  It was the only one they had and it was marked down considerably from the original price.  We got it!

We decided to just "look around" at what they had for roses...and ended up with a cart full to buy!  We picked out some good ones.  Some baby/miniature roses that should be great had perfect names: 'Miracle' (white roses) and 'Daddy's Little Girl' (pinkish red).  Of COURSE we put those in the cart right away.  Then we made our way over to some climbing roses.  I asked Tim what he thought of them and as soon as I said it I spotted a ladybug on one of the leaves!  We decided right then & there we were getting those.  Crazy logic, I know, but we took that as a sign that she wanted those.  Maybe because the rose has a child-like name: 'Candy Land'.  It was the only ladybug we saw the whole day (and we looked at TONS of roses).  We also picked out 'Joseph's Coat' for climbing roses along with some purple, yellow and 'Super Hero' red.  None of the roses are blooming yet, but some have buds so it won't be long!

Candy Land roses that the ladybug was on:

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From Other Photos

Cart full of roses & the trellis for the climbing roses:

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I'll update more once we get the rose garden more setup. Won't be long!

Spring Visit

From April - October the cemetery has a rule that we need to pick up things on the 1st & 15th of each month for cemetery cleanup/mowing.  If we don't, they toss everything.  So we of course make sure to go pick everything up (I would FREAK if they tossed her stuff!!!!).  In fact, I worry about the things left on Sofia's 'neighbor's' graves too.  I think about the angel statue in the row in front of hers.  I think of the stuffed bunny and other toys left for the boy next to her.  The flowers, the balloons, all the items left for these babies.  The logical part of my brain tells me not to worry and that these parents know just like we do (or they should) that stuff needs to be picked up in time or it is tossed, but the sentimental/compassionate/worry-too-much side of my brain thinks "what if they forgot!", "what if they intended on going but something came up and they couldn't get to it!".  All these thoughts race through my mind every time we go.  Ugh... I need to forget about it, but I know how mushy one's mind can be after losing a baby and it would be easy to forget which day it was. Sigh... Whenever we pick up Sofia's things we almost feel guilty, so it might sound silly but we talk to her and say not to worry, we will bring it all back in a couple days.  I hate driving away and nothing being there for her.  I think she probably understands but it's still hard.

We picked up her things on Thursday and while we were there I received a text from my Aunt.  She said she went to Hobby Lobby to buy something for Sofia and when she walked in "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" was playing.  She looked over to the aisle & there were shelves full of ladybug things.  I texted her & said, well, she must want you to buy something with ladybugs!  So she said then that's what she shall get.  Pretty neat sign if you ask me.

Saturday we brought all her things back to the cemetery.  The wind was fierce but the sun was out and the grass was growing long... Which is something that is somewhat irritating.  We have to clear out all the stuff and they didn't even mow.  The blades of grass stand tall next to her stone.  Grr.

There are trees near Sofia's spot that were blooming so I photographed some of the blooms.

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From Slideshow

From Slideshow

Sofia's spot is all decked out for Spring & Easter.  We'd love to be picking out her cute little Easter dress instead of decorations for a grave, but that wasn't in her plan...or His.

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Two Birds

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged and like I’ve said in past posts, it in no way indicates that I’m feeling better and don’t need to write.  The past few weeks have been hard for us and I’ve finally gotten to the point where I need to get it out. So I am…

On Saturday, March 26^th we caught our rainbow. Nervous, scared, relieved, worried were all thoughts that entered my mind when I found out.  We went to visit Sofia that morning and that’s when I let Tim know the news.  We talked to Sofia, cried, and talked about how scary it was. Good, but scary.

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We quietly told those closest to us.  This time we decided to forget about the silly idea that someone made up about “waiting until it was ‘safe’ to tell”.  No such thing. We know that first hand.  We figured our families could use some good news with all we’ve dealt with in the past 5+ months.  I was only 4 weeks along but we didn’t care.  Of course everyone was happy to hear such news.  We were holding on telling the extended family – and the world – until it felt right. 

I pulled out the old pregnancy book, updated my calendar so I knew which day of the week would mark each milestone and scheduled a Dr. appt with a new OB.  Given my history, I’m now considered high risk so they offered to see me before 6 weeks (which I thought was amazing!).

On Friday, April 1^st we attended the first day of a two-day child loss conference here in Omaha.  It was The Compassionate Friends regional conference and people from Omaha & surrounding cities came in to attend workshops, etc.  (I’ll elaborate more on the conference in a separate post) The first night was emotional and we were there past 11:00 pm.  The next morning we got up and got ready to go for the second day of the conference.  As we pulled out of the driveway, Tim pointed out two little birds sitting on the overhang on the front porch.  One was on each slope.  We have a window in our bedroom that overlooks the front porch overhang, and when we first lost Sofia, he had an experience with a lone bird sitting at the top of the overhang, looking into the bedroom while he stood by the window.  It stayed for a long time and he took it as a sign from Sofia and it made him feel better.  As we drove away that morning heading to the conference, and Tim pointed out the two birds, he said, “Sofia has a friend”. 

We went to the conference and to our disappointment one of the workshops we really wanted to attend was cancelled because the presenter couldn’t make it.  So we chose two separate workshops – his was for men only.  My workshop ended early so I went looking for Tim.  I didn’t see him in the crowd of people in the lobby so I called his cell thinking he might be looking for me.  He didn’t answer, so I used the time to go to the restroom.

That’s when I started spotting.  I had a pit in my stomach because I didn’t think it was good.  Even though that is somewhat common throughout pregnancy I never experienced that with Sofia, so it had me worried. I waited out in the hallway for Tim and when he came out from his workshop he had the biggest grin on his face.  At the end of the workshop the presenter said he was going to play a meaningful song by Kenny Chesney.  He hit play – right about the time I had tried calling Tim’s cell phone.  Well apparently Tim recently changed his ring tone on his phone to the theme of “The Godfather”.  So as the music started, Tim said they all looked puzzled (including him) at why they’d play the theme song to The Godfather – until Tim realized it was his phone!  He got a kick out of that.  Apparently I timed it just right.

He was so smiley and in a good mood and all I could think was how scared I was and how we needed to get out of there asap.  I didn’t want to tell him of my concern but needed to.  I just kept thinking in a few minutes, his cheery face is going to change and I hated that.

I gave it a few minutes until we were alone then told him I was worried and we decided it was best to leave the conference, go home and rest.  So that’s what we did. I was bummed about leaving the conference early.  We met some great people, some who were holding a place for us in the dining room for lunch, but our priority was my well-being and that of the baby so we left.  It really felt “unfinished” leaving early though.

On Sunday, April 3rd we knew for certain that we lost another baby.  I miscarried. It was only a partial rainbow, the storm is still here.

This baby’s due date was Dec. 2^nd 2011 (which Tim’s mom pointed out was the day her mother died-a bit unnerving) but when we did the math and counted back to when I would likely be induced, the date was 11-11-11.  That alone should have been our first clue something wasn’t right.  In a way it was a sign, because the thought did cross our minds and we agreed we did not want a unique birth date for this baby.  Sofia died on her due date of 10-10-10 (delivered 10-12-10) and that was a little too eerie for us.   We’d be ok with just any old random date – it would be special because of the baby, not the date itself.  Turns out it doesn't matter now anyway because that baby is gone.

I hate hearing the words, “something wasn’t right” (great, two for two...) or “maybe you were too stressed” (like it was my fault or something) or “miscarriage happens all the time” (am I supposed to feel good about that?).  Those are not comforting or helpful words. The fact is, it wasn't that baby's time; he or she went straight to heaven before we ever had a chance to meet them.  Even though this baby was extremely tiny in comparison to Sofia, it was a baby.  In the words of Dr. Seuss, “A person’s a person, no matter how small”.  

I went to the new OB office to have blood drawn to check my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) and they confirmed what I already knew.  My number was ‘8’.  (Anything in the 5-0 range is considered not pregnant.  At 5-6 weeks normal number for pregnancy is around 7,000) My body was almost completely ‘not pregnant’ anymore.  Again.

 We of course will never know if it was a girl or a boy, but we feel every child deserves a name.  (I once heard a sad story about a baby who passed and how the spirit was sad their parents never named them because they were a miscarried child.  True or not, it made me sad to think of it.) We decided to call our second baby “SAM”.  It fits for a girl or a boy and it is our Second Angel Missed. It fits.  Plus, at the exact moment we were discussing the name Sam a rainbow displayed on TV so it seemed logical in our minds that this was it.

It’s very hard to understand why we have had to deal with this kind of grief for the past 6 months.  It was 6 months ago today that we said hello and good-bye to Sofia.  Truthfully we thought we might be expecting another one now because we were ready the second we found out we lost our first.  And now the grief is cycled all over again because we lost our second.  The grief for Sofia never stopped, but it is more magnified now.  We’re out of that ‘shocked’ state.  Anyone who has grieved for someone knows the stages of grief don’t actually fall in chronological order as once believed by psychologists.  You might start with shock, denial & isolation but your mind & body skip around to anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance.  Case in point is our situation.  The past two weeks I think I’ve been in the ‘anger’ stage.  I know this will fluctuate and grief has no timeline.  It’s not like “6 moths are up, now you’re done, yeah!”.  Hopefully people/family/friends will get this too.

While I was miscarrying Tim & I talked again about the two birds we saw that morning of the conference.  He said a thought had crossed his mind that morning just as he said “Sofia has a friend”.  He had a gut feeling that I was going to miscarry just from seeing those two birds.  He said he didn’t say anything at the time for obvious reasons – he didn’t want to scare me.  Sadly, he was right.  Maybe that was a sign, and they just wanted us to know they are together, and they are OK.

Even though it is heartbreaking that we lost Sofia and now another baby, we’re starting to feel more & more that this didn’t happen “to us” but that it was some sort of life lesson or growing for our souls and for others as well.  Good things have (and will likely continue to) come out of this and even though some days we’re angry, there are times where we accept it.  That weekend we went outside in the backyard to brush the dogs and get some fresh air.  Sitting there, sad, talking with Tim all of a sudden I noticed a ladybug on Tim's leg.  I quickly grabbed my phone & snapped a photo.  I was still sad, but it took my mind off the sadness for a little while.

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We’re grateful to the few people who continue to ask (and actually care to hear the response) about how we are doing, and for not turning their backs when the answer is “not good”.  We understand that most people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing.  I know people just don’t know what to say or do.  The only thing that could be done would be to bring us back our children but that can’t happen, so the next best thing is just to let us know you’re thinking of us.  What we’ve gone through is a very lonely, isolated feeling, and ignoring what happened does us no good.

Beautiful rose from my friend Holly left on my door after my miscarriage:

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This second loss has taken a toll on me mentally/emotionally.  I was worried about another loss and that’s exactly what happened. Tim was worried too, and the loss hurts him as well, but he's trying to not let it consume him.  I'm having a harder time with that but doing a little better now than at first. So we’ve lost a baby at the very end and now at the very beginning.  We are hanging on a thread of hope that third time will be the charm, and we will have that full rainbow – our take-home baby – someday soon.  Prayers needed & welcomed by all!

I’ll end this post with another Dr. Seuss quote.  While it’s sometimes hard to accept, I do think it’s true in our losses:  “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”

6 Months

We miss you, love you and thought of you all day long, like we do every day. How is it that 6 months have passed so quickly when it seems as though just minutes ago you were in my belly and in our arms.

From Slideshow

Love,
Mommy & Daddy
XXOOXXOOXXOO

BLM Connections

The sad reality of losing a child is that in the weeks following your loss you find you are not alone in this grief, meaning that we now belong to a "club" of BLM's (baby loss moms) and dads. It is sad but a blessing to have others to share our stories with.  I don't know that it's possible for anyone to completely understand what it feels like unless it has happened to them.  Of course people (especially those with children) can try to imagine (though why would they want to) how it might feel if they lost one of their own but the reality of it actually happening is something so extreme that I think even those of us who have experienced this kind of pain can't quite get our heads around it fully.  


I'm thankful to be living in a time where technology can connect us and with just a few clicks of a mouse we can find others who understand us and who can offer support that might otherwise be missing in our lives.  Having access to so many stories like ours is bittersweet.  We've established our "new normal" and have new people to share freely with.  On the other hand, some days it is a lot to take in - knowing how many of us are out there feeling this way, and new ones found each day.  Some days it's like watching a news channel that continuously runs stories on losses.  We wish we could put a band-aid on it and stop the bleeding so to speak.  Why can't we just stop this? Does another family really need to go through this kind of heartache?


A fellow BLM (Molly) has an angel, Hayes, who was born into heaven on August 18, 2010.  I'd like to think he is up there playing with Sofia and that he was smiling at her when she walked through the gates. Hayes' mom talked with me a few times when she saw my blog and decided to create one in memory of her son.  Now I follow her blog as well.  This week she posted the below poem and I cried as I read it.  First of all I was surprised I hadn't seen it yet because in the first few months following our loss I read a bunch of poems.  The part I said before about belonging to a "club" of BLM's, well, Molly posted a link to another BLM's blog on her blog, where I saw she found this poem.  We are all connected in some way, and there's something positive (albeit sad) about this kind of bond.  The poem rings true to our reality.  It doesn't matter if it was last week, last month, last year - the feeling (at least for me) is like I lost my child today EVERYDAY.


Love you Sofia. XXOOXXOO

From Slideshow

"I Lost My Child Today"

I lost my child today.
People came to weep
and cry As I just sat
and stared, dry eyed.

They struggled to find
words to say To try
and make the pain
go away. I walked the
floor in disbelief.
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month
Most of the people went
away. Some still call and
some still stay. I wait to
wake up from this dream
This can't be real--
I want to scream.

Yet everything is locked
inside, God, help me,
I want to cry.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had came,
have gone. I sit and
struggle all day long, To
bear the pain so deep inside.

And now my friends just
question, Why? Why does
this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same
old song. Good heavens,
it has been so long.
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on
for me. The numbness it has
disappeared. My eyes have
now cried many tears.

I see the look upon your face,
"She must move on and leave
this place." Yet I am trapped
right here in time. The songs
the same, as is the rhyme,

I lost my child......Today.

~Netta Wilson~

Wishes

A few nights ago as I cried myself to sleep out of sadness and wishing we had Sofia with us I remembered something my Granny once told me.  She said, "Don't wish your life away!".  That was years ago and until then I wasn't as conscious that I said "I wish..." before my sentences.  I must have been saying it a lot back then because even though Granny is one of the most outspoken ladies I know it was enough for her to put me in my place and made me take notice.  Slowly over time I've come to realize that wishing for something to occur doesn't make it happen - taking action does.

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a photographer.  Not just someone who buys a camera and thinks they are - I wanted to expand on my skills that I'd learned from photography courses in college and experience from years of taking photos.  A few years ago I made a decision - not a wish - to do just that.  Even if it's part time I'm still achieving that personal goal (still a work-in-progress).  It's a balance with my personal & social life and having a full time job but it works.  And thankfully I have it as an outlet as I continue to grieve for our daughter.

But not everything is that easy.  I wished for a baby and we were elated to have one only to lose her in the end.  Now I wish for her to be here.  I wish to have just one more moment holding her.  I wish I could have my friend Jen take photos of us with her so I'd have a bunch more.  I wish to be a mom and not have to visit my baby at a cemetery.  All of these are wishes that cannot come true.  How do I take action on these? I can't.  It's a frustrating place to be mentally.  I'm a "fixer" by nature and I can't fix this.  It sucks.

One thing I have learned both from Granny and from Sofia is to not take what we have for granted.  I will always hold on to those few hours we had with her in the hospital and I'm thankful I didn't lose her sooner, else I wouldn't have seen how beautiful our children would be.  Some day we hope to see her in the face(s) of her sibling(s).  I hope happy days are in our future.

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Last Friday I went with Tim to get his tattoo in memory of Sofia.  He's been wanting it for months and I've been so busy I haven't had time to design it.  He finally made an appointment and gave me no choice but to sketch out a design.  We used Sofia's actual footprint (to scale) and had a rose go across with her name above the stem.  Originally we were going to have her name on the stem but it would be too small and the letters would have bled together.  It only took about an hour and he's very happy to have it done.  He chose to have it on his chest, above his heart.  He likes to say that "Sofia walks all over him"...his attempt at being funny. :) I'm still trying to decide if I will get one, what & where on my body.  I'm so particular that it'll probably take some time to decide.  

From Slideshow

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This morning Tim asked about opening the door to Sofia's room and organizing everything (stroller, car seat, swing, bouncer) that currently sits on the floor in there.  He wants to have the room open so we can feel closer to her and less "shut off" from it all.  I think we might do that, if we can find a place for everything.  I just want it all to stay nice & clean and untouched.  I suppose at some point we need to keep it open, so we might as well take the steps to do so now.  I'm just overly sensitive to that room and will freak if anything happens to it.  It's one of only a few places that I feel like I can connect with her.

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Moose is at the vet for an overnight stay (surgery in the morning).  I'm a bit anxious not having him here and thinking about the poor guy alone & scared at the vet office.  Tim gave him an old tank top to snuggle with.  I just want him to get the surgery over with and be back home where he belongs.  Maggie has been struggling missing her pal.  We took her with us on a car ride to visit Sofia tonight.  She was a little confused but at least she got to go along.  Dogs aren't allowed at the cemetery so she had to stay in the car.  I think she was upset seeing all the open grass - she wanted to get out pretty bad!  

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From Other Photos

Decorations made by our niece, Lily.  Sarah said when they drove away Lily said, "Good-bye baby Sofia, love you".  I'm so glad she knows about her cousin and that she's allowed to go visit.  I remember stopping by one night after work and Lily showed me the decorations she made and the larger blue butterfly she found at the store (and insisted that Sarah buy for Sofia).  She was so happy to do something nice for Sofia and it made us feel good.  

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

My cousin Helen also stopped by the weekend before last and brought Sofia pink roses & this huge lady bug. Her son made a 'Sofia' sign out of plastic to put up by the antenna.  We were both touched that he did this at school for her.  It is the validation we need that she is a part of this family and that she is - and always will be - loved by many.

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My sister also paid Sofia a visit and brought this cute little bug decoration.  

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Dream of belly kicks

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant with Sofia and she was moving around and kicking me.  Oh how I miss that feeling.  We were at my parents house in the backyard walking around and you could see her moving around.  In real life, the last time I visited my parents while pregnant with Sofia I had Tim take photos of me to document week 39.  It was almost like being back there, back when everything was great and I was just waiting to have her within the next two weeks.  It was always a comforting feeling when she would move around.

When my alarm clock woke me up I was upset.  I wanted to fall back to sleep and be with her just a little bit longer.  Tim thinks maybe it was her way of saying hi.  I miss her so much.

Photo taken on week 39 in my parents backyard:

From Slideshow