This post is a long time overdue. I've had so many thoughts and feelings to blog over the past month and time just seems to be flying by. I usually have my blogging moments when I'm away from my computer then run out of time or am too exhausted to get online & post what is on my mind. The longer I go without posting the more anxious I get so I thought now is as good a time as any to get an update out here.
Not only is October a month for us to remember Sofia's birthday, but it is also pregnancy & infant loss awareness day on October 15th. We also had a memorial mass on October 3rd at the cemetery for all those lost one year ago. This will be a very heavy photo post but I actually had tons more that I didn't include...I had to narrow it down somehow!
October 12, 2011 ~ Sofia's 1st Birthday
Tim & I took the day off work on her birthday and it was a somber morning to wake up and not have our little girl with us. Of course we were already used to her not being there but that morning was especially tough. For one thing, it was hard to wrap our minds around the fact that an entire year had passed in a flash. I guess it seemed hard to imagine given the grief we've endured all this time. On a morning where we should be picking up our brown-haired princess out of her crib and telling her about all the fun in store for her big day we instead sat together, hugged and cried. Nobody ever imagines their child's first birthday in heaven.
The night before we went to a local florist so we could pick out flowers. I was determined to make my own flower arrangement for her grave. The florist was so nice to stay open for us (we didn't realize they were about to close when I called). She let us go back into the back room and pick out what we wanted. It was the first time I had ever made a real arrangement so I was a bit unsure how many flowers to buy but it ended up being just the right amount. I thought for sure I'd be up until midnight making it so I was pleasantly surprised it only took about an hour! I joked that I might have to add florist to my list of professions. :) It was fun and I love doing creative things - it's my outlet.
Before:
After:
We decided to go pick up some birthday balloons and bring them along with her flowers to her grave in the morning so she'd have them all day long. Plus it gave us some time alone with her. We picked out the balloons and I was holding it together until the lady behind the counter asked questions about the birthday girl and holding the balloons, etc. I just said they were for a grave and of course her demeanor changed completely. She felt awful and so did we. These cute, vibrant 1 year b-day balloons and she doesn't get to hold them. It was such a sad, sinking feeling. While she was getting the balloons together I noticed a cute little basket on a shelf. We decided to buy it to put the balloon weight in. It was perfect!
The rest of the day we hung out at home and I baked & decorated cupcakes for a gathering at her grave after a memorial mass in her name. Another fun/creative thing for me to do & keep my mind occupied so I wouldn't just wallow in self-pity on the couch all day. If I couldn't throw her a birthday party this was the least I could do. I decided to teach myself how to frost roses the old-fashioned way. It was easier than I thought! Now I'm a cake decorator too! (kidding) Confetti cupcakes with white frosting, pink roses and lady bugs made from red jelly beans, licorice and black edible marker.
In the evening we attended mass with some of our close family. It was held by the same priest who did the blessing for Sofia a year before in our hospital room. Hearing her name mentioned out loud was nice. Our mood was more celebratory (we shed plenty of tears earlier in the day) and we headed to the cemetery after mass to enjoy the cupcakes and tell her Happy Birthday one more time.
I had several ideas on how else we might do something symbolic for her day but wasn't able to do them. I really wanted to release the firework lanterns that are popular this year but with the dry weather, wind and since it's not firework season we thought that would not be such a wise thing to do. We also wanted to do a large balloon release but my fear of harming animals in the environment kept us from buying those. I searched everywhere in town for biodegradable balloons - nobody carries them! We ended up taking one balloon (which I still felt guilty over) and released it. In a way I preferred that over releasing several anyway. It was one balloon for her 1st birthday, and one for her to have up in heaven. We released it and watched as it floated up and away, quickly into the clouds above. Family was with us and we all watched as it went up to the "heavens". That moment did make me a bit sad.
It's hard to see in this photo but the balloon is visible to the right of the tree and up just a bit...
Close-ups (macro shots) of a couple roses in her arrangement:
Flowers & lady bug from Granny:
The afternoon weather brought some storms and rain and we were on a full look-out for rainbows on the way to church prior to the cemetery. I looked all over the sky and just knew there was a rainbow out there but we couldn't see it. Sure enough, when we were on our way home in the evening (after cupcakes at the cemetery), I saw a text from my cousin Helen. She was unable to make it out with us but I think for good reason (besides having one of her kids' games to attend). I think she needed to be there so she could capture this photo for us. Sofia made her appearance after all! It brought a smile to our face.
We had a birthday card for Sofia which we kept at home. Other than that, we only received one card for Sofia, from our friends Carrie and Todd. It was so sweet to get it in the mail. We understood that most people wouldn't think to get a card for a baby who isn't here, but it meant a lot for the one we did get:
Several people remembered us & Sofia at the one year anniversary of her death. It was so nice to receive the many comments on facebook from people who either saw rainbows or thought of us that day. We also received some kind and meaningful gifts. We're very thankful for all the thoughts, love & support.
Stone from friends Carrie & Nicole ~ for Sofia's rose garden. This was so special. We had planned on getting a stone at some point but hadn't yet. This is perfect & fits right in to her garden. I cried quite a bit when opening this one.
I just LOVED this card from my bosses at work. It was so thoughtful of them to think of me that week. The lady bug things were so cute too.
A couple other nice coworkers gave me this. It is so nice to be thought of!
Another coworker gave me this token. Doesn't this say the truth!? One day at a time is all we can do.
This little doll was left by family the week of her birthday:
Two of my close friends took me to brunch and each gave me a nice gift in remembrance of Sofia.
A blog follower, Sara, sent a gift which was quite a surprise. Thank you! That was so nice & thoughtful!!
We still have the three lily plants from Sofia's funeral in our house. Every now & then there are blooms. I remember a relative telling me last year that she saw that the lily plant meant Sofia! So fitting. We're sure to stay on top of watering them so they continue to bloom for years to come.
October 15, 2011 ~ Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day
For months leading up to October 15th I researched, trying to find some kind of local event going on that we could participate in to remember our babies lost. We remembered last year (the day we buried Sofia) there was a local event at a public park but for obvious reasons we didn't make it. We vowed to make it the next year (2011). We were quite disappointed when we found there wasn't an organized event this year. A few things for specific children were going on, but not something we felt was intended for all babies lost. The crazy side of me actually thought about organizing something for a moment...then came to my senses. I have far too much going on right now to take something like that on, at least for now. We did light a candle for both Sofia and Sam at 7:00 pm. Candles burned across the globe for all the little ones gone too soon. It was nice that a few family members joined in on the candle-lighting as well.
October 3, 2011 ~ Memorial Mass
I remember being at this mass last year when we first received Sofia's candle and heard her name read aloud. It was hard to believe we were there again, this time marking the one year anniversary since she was buried. I held it together most of the mass but fell apart at the end. Fortunately I have Tim's shoulder to cry on. I wished (and still wish) that her story was different. I wish she were here.
I look pretty worn out in this photo because I was- mentally exhausted. Usually Tim/Daddy picks out the flowers but this day it was my turn.
The signs continue to show up for us and we believe that Sofia is around always. There's not a day that goes by that Tim & I don't talk about her or think of her. Tim says he often takes a moment out of his day at work to look at her photos on his desk. We talk to her often and remember her always. Lady bugs continue to show up both outside and by our windows. One recent morning before I left for work there was a huge dragonfly on the screen. I thought of Sofia immediately. Down below in the yard (blurred background) Sofia's rose garden is visible. That dragonfly hung out until I finally had to leave for work.
I have so much more to say, so much more on my mind, but will have to do some follow-up posts here soon. I may have lost some readers by now and that's ok. This has always been for Sofia, for me, and for anyone who wants to continue reading. I'm hoping to post more often and not let time get in the way...
