Flashbacks

As the arrival of our "rainbow" baby quickly approaches, I find myself gearing up, mentally preparing for our hospital stay. Of course the only memories I have of labor & delivery are not pleasant. I miss Sofia daily but lately have been missing her a lot harder. Thinking about when I last held her in my arms, then watched as the nurse wheeled her out of our sight.

I hear random songs on the radio and start to tear up. I wish she was here! While we're excited for her sibling's birth, it still won't be "normal" compared to most families. Sofia is an older sister who won't get to come in & meet her little sister at the hospital. No cute pictures of the two of them cuddling together. That makes me sad.

I was out shopping with Tim yesterday and at one store a woman asked me all the typical pregnancy questions (and I clearly look very prego right now). Of course she asked me how many kids we had so I told her (as I always do). I usually get a "oh crap!" look while the other person tries to grasp what they've just heard. The funny thing is, almost EVERY time that other person comes back with a story of their own or someone they know who has suffered a similar loss. This particular day the woman said her niece is a Dr. and experienced the same thing as we did with Sofia. Her baby just didn't have a heart beat at the end of her pregnancy and after running many tests, they found nothing. She also told me that she herself had 3 miscarriages although she said they were all before 4 months. I was glad I said something rather than pretend we have a child at home or worse- pretend that Sofia never existed. Speaking openly about it allows others to open up too, and sometimes that can be very healing.

Last week I made a trip to Babies R Us and in one of the aisles they had these stainless steel drinking cups for kids with names on them.  As I turned the corner & looked at them there was one that stood out on top & in front:

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I couldn't believe it- had she lived, she would have had something with the correct spelling!! As a kid I could never find anything with my spelling (Lia). It was always "Leah" or "Lea". As I've grown older I don't care so much & actually prefer having a unique spelling. That's why I was so surprised to see Sofia spelled that way on a cup! They had another one "Sophia" but they also had our daughter's name!! Then I was sad, thinking how she won't ever have those things. Silly, I know, but it was hard. I would've loved to have been shopping with Sofia in the cart and I would have shown her with great excitement & would have bought it right up! As I drove home I regretted not getting it anyway. Maybe I'll go back.

Another Year Gone By

I have so much going on up in my head right now that it's impossible to write it all (or remember it for that matter).  The past couple months have been filled with mixed emotions and the fact that I haven't posted all this time is in no way a reflection on how I'm doing.  (In other words, no posts does NOT equal no worries)  I've just been quite busy and being pregnant is wearing me down.

Thanksgiving has come & gone.  We have much to be thankful for.  We are especially grateful for all the support we continue to receive from so many people. We're thankful that Sofia & Sam have a sister on the way and for every movement I feel, knowing we are closer to bringing home our 'rainbow' baby.

Christmas was bittersweet this year. I remember last year (2010) spending so much time on special 'Sofia-related' gifts for close family and how difficult it was, but how much better it made me feel for doing it. This year I decided against it since the gifts were not well-received by all last time.  I didn't want to face that pain again as it is still 100% fresh in my mind.

Christmas morning was difficult for us.  The beautiful bell that was received as a gift from a fellow BLM, Betsy in 2010 remains in our living room year-round.  This is the second year in a row (tradition) that we rang the bell for Sofia.  This time I didn't bawl...but it was still a sad, somber moment. After giving the dogs their gifts from 'Santa' we drove to the cemetery to wish Sofia a Merry Christmas.

While all the other parents in the world were waking up to giggling little ones, tossing gifts & wrapping paper in the air, we stood there at our daughter's grave.  We both cried. We cried hard, and talked about how unfair it was. It is so hard not having her here and forever will be. She would have been so darn cute, all dressed up in a poofy cute dress and likely have her hair in piggy tails or barrettes.

Sofia still has a stocking at my parents' house and I was happily surprised to see a cute pink teddy bear and candy cane in it when we arrived.  At first I thought it was for her sister (baby on the way) but then realized it was in the special stocking for Sofia. At Granny's on Christmas Eve, one of the gifts was written "To: Sofia & sister". I'm so glad my family continues to remember AND include our daughter because she is still very much a part of our lives.  Even if she can't be here physically.

We quietly rang in the New Year.  More tears for Sofia (for her not being here) and we dropped off a New Year's hat at her grave. We lost our first baby in 2010.  We lost our second baby in 2011.  We hope to bring home with us our third baby this time, for a happy and healthy 2012!

P.S. Check out the rainbow blog for baby on the way... click here

Photos:
Sofia's stocking at my parents' house (next to my childhood stocking)

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Sofia's tree on Christmas day. The large angel wings were a gift from a friend at work.  The lady bug bell I saw at a Christmas shop in town & had to get it. The little angel baby is from my parents and the rainbow ornament is Sofia's for 2011.

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Close-up of Sofia's 2nd ornament from us.

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Sofia's grave on Christmas morning.

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Sofia's grave on New Year's Eve

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