Flashbacks

As the arrival of our "rainbow" baby quickly approaches, I find myself gearing up, mentally preparing for our hospital stay. Of course the only memories I have of labor & delivery are not pleasant. I miss Sofia daily but lately have been missing her a lot harder. Thinking about when I last held her in my arms, then watched as the nurse wheeled her out of our sight.

I hear random songs on the radio and start to tear up. I wish she was here! While we're excited for her sibling's birth, it still won't be "normal" compared to most families. Sofia is an older sister who won't get to come in & meet her little sister at the hospital. No cute pictures of the two of them cuddling together. That makes me sad.

I was out shopping with Tim yesterday and at one store a woman asked me all the typical pregnancy questions (and I clearly look very prego right now). Of course she asked me how many kids we had so I told her (as I always do). I usually get a "oh crap!" look while the other person tries to grasp what they've just heard. The funny thing is, almost EVERY time that other person comes back with a story of their own or someone they know who has suffered a similar loss. This particular day the woman said her niece is a Dr. and experienced the same thing as we did with Sofia. Her baby just didn't have a heart beat at the end of her pregnancy and after running many tests, they found nothing. She also told me that she herself had 3 miscarriages although she said they were all before 4 months. I was glad I said something rather than pretend we have a child at home or worse- pretend that Sofia never existed. Speaking openly about it allows others to open up too, and sometimes that can be very healing.

Last week I made a trip to Babies R Us and in one of the aisles they had these stainless steel drinking cups for kids with names on them.  As I turned the corner & looked at them there was one that stood out on top & in front:

From Other Photos

I couldn't believe it- had she lived, she would have had something with the correct spelling!! As a kid I could never find anything with my spelling (Lia). It was always "Leah" or "Lea". As I've grown older I don't care so much & actually prefer having a unique spelling. That's why I was so surprised to see Sofia spelled that way on a cup! They had another one "Sophia" but they also had our daughter's name!! Then I was sad, thinking how she won't ever have those things. Silly, I know, but it was hard. I would've loved to have been shopping with Sofia in the cart and I would have shown her with great excitement & would have bought it right up! As I drove home I regretted not getting it anyway. Maybe I'll go back.