Plate = Sign

This morning started out like most mornings do; I got ready for work, fed Rose and took her to my parents' house. For some reason though, this morning as I pulled into their driveway, I looked up at my Dad's truck parked directly in front of me. I read his license plate (something I apparently have never done!). I was amazed at what I saw:

From Our Rainbow

Sofia's initials are 'SRL' (Sofia Rose Larson). My birthday is '8/22' (August 22nd).

I don't think at all that this was a coincidence. This week is my birthday - Wednesday in fact - and I've been missing Sofia like crazy lately. I believe that this was her way of sending me her birthday wishes.

Of course I cried thinking about it on my drive in to work, but I also had a good feeling. It is comforting knowing she is still around me. I'm thankful for the signs I see and will continue to keep my mind and heart open to them, since it's the only connection I have to her until we meet again in heaven.

Memories, Memorials and Empathy

This morning as I was getting dressed for work I was overcome by flashbacks of the morning we buried Sofia. I remembered the black maternity dress hanging in the bathroom, the one my mom went out and bought while I was still recovering in the hospital. I remembered putting on the waterproof mascara that my sister-in-law bought for me too. Putting on the necklace that was shipped (and arrived before I came home from the hospital) that was from former coworkers/friends. (That necklace is one I wear most often - a tear drop - because I wore it the last day I ever saw our first baby girl's sweet face.) I remember being in the viewing room at the mortuary, just Tim and I, with tear-filled eyes and as I bent over to kiss her cold head the necklace tear drop (along with my own) swung down by her face.

From Gifts

Sofia has been on my mind so much this week - more than usual. The strange thing is that she's been equally on Tim's mind too. Earlier in the week he said he was remembering driving to the hospital, on the way to deliver her. That same morning on my drive in to work out of the blue I started crying and thinking about Sofia and the day we found out her heart stopped beating.

Two of my Aunts happened to read my blog post from July about guilt and both emailed me this week to talk about it. I feel like Sofia is all around; if only I could wrap my arms around her too.

In addition to Sofia, another baby gone too soon has been on my mind. Hayes, you are always thought of when I look to the sky. Prayers go out to fellow BLM Molly as she faces his two year birthday in heaven. It's hard to think two years can pass by so quickly. I'm not ready for that myself, so I am sure it is a difficult week for her too.

I also have a heavy heart because a former coworker/friend emailed me this week to say a friend of hers lost her baby boy. He only lived for three short hours. Today they buried him. Another mom facing the ultimate pain - the loss of a child. To all my fellow BLM's and other readers, please please send her your thoughts & prayers. You know she is facing a difficult road. Hopefully she will find us and find comfort in the support that we share. I know that my friend sent along my blog as a reference so if you are reading this, please know you are not alone and I am here if/when you need someone to talk to...

Wow, it has been a long week and it is only Wednesday. Looking forward to visiting Sofia tomorrow and returning her things.

Guilt- When does it end?

This has been on my mind for awhile now and I'm finally taking time to write about it. I was also unsure of which blog to put this on (which makes me rethink the keeping two blogs thing, but anyway...).

I find myself constantly feeling guilty when I say the following phrases to Sofia's little sister, baby Rose:

"Who is the cutest little baby we've ever seen!? You are!!"

"You're my little girl"

"I love my girl"

I could go on and on... I can't even think of the rest at this moment. Every time I think or say something along these lines I quickly think inside to myself "...but, not cuter than Sofia" or "you are my girl and so is Sofia". I've actually found myself saying out loud to Rose, "You're the cutest LIVING baby we know...". Ugh. Tim has done it too.

I don't want Sofia's little sister to grow up feeling like she's 2nd best or that she's less important in any way but at the same time I want to include Sofia and not dismiss her either. It's a tough internal battle for me emotionally.

Hopefully Rose will grow up understanding the difference and how important they both are to us, equally.

I've also had several encounters recently with strangers who are going gaga over baby Rose and who ask "Is this your first". ***cringe***  Lately I've just answered "yes" and then apologized to Sofia later and I try to convince her spirit that I know who my first really is. I just don't want to go through the whole story with some people and I'm trying to allow that for myself. It isn't easy.

I really want to hold Sofia again. I want to kiss her cheeks, touch her long and crazy hair. I see babies growing up- babies that were born around the same time as Sofia- and I get a knot in my stomach. Sofia would be bigger than him/her, she'd be running around right now. She would have long hair and be talking. In our minds, she is still a tiny little baby.

Some say time heals all wounds but I disagree. Time changes them- they are scars that never disappear.

From Other Photos

Enough Already

I'm tired of the grief, the sadness and all the pain. When Sofia died I knew my life would never be the same and I continue to discover what my new "normal" is. I'll always walk with a heavy heart missing my first girl.

It's hard dealing with the compounded pain with the recent loss of my Granny. She developed an infection that her body could not fight and she passed away on Friday, May 25th.  She was ready; she said many times before that she was old, tired, and ready for heaven. I wasn't ready for her to go.  When the nurse called to say we should get back up to the hospital an hour after we left, I rode up there with my parents. My mom & I entered the ICU and I overheard a nurse as she walked out of Granny's room: "She's not going to make it to 11:00 pm". I hurried my steps a little and my mom & I stood on either side of her bed. Within five minutes she took her last breaths.

I'm still trying to cope with her loss and though I was still grieving for Sofia this has brought many old emotions back to the surface. Losing Sofia means losing a lifetime of memories we never had the chance to make.  Losing my Granny means losing a life I hold more memories with than I can count.

She was 80 years old and has lived in the same house my entire life (and most of hers). So many traditions - Christmas Eve being a huge one - will be sorely missed. I was very close with her; we went to lunch nearly every Saturday for as long as I can remember. I can't even imagine life with her not in it.  Every day I think about her and how I wish this wasn't reality.

Granny was only in the hospital for one week before she passed away. Unfortunately the infection affected her brain and she was no longer coherent. I'll always have a haunting memory of seeing her take her last breaths but I'll also be forever grateful for the last real conversation I had with her. It was on Mother's Day and when we were leaving her house I gave her a hug, a kiss and told her I loved her and she did the same in return. I admit I did have a sense that her time was limited and I thought about it as I said those words. Granny being the emotional person that she was had tears in her eyes.

A couple weeks after Granny died, my Great Aunt Betty died. She was full of life until the end. I heard she was singing "New York, New York" at 1:00 am the day before she passed away. She was always a cheerful, happy person to be around. Even though she lived a full life and lived to 90 years old, it doesn't make it any easier.

Granny was one of very few people who continually bring flowers to Sofia's grave. I always knew when it was a bouquet from her. I'm sad she won't be visiting her there anymore but I pray to God that she is up in heaven taking turns with the rest of our loved ones lost, holding Sofia close.

Everyone deals with loss at some point, it's just hard having so much loss in what feels like a short amount of time. I have up days then down days. Lately it has been more down. I'm grateful for having our baby Rose to keep my spirits up.

International Bereaved Mothers Day

Today Tim bought two types of flowers for Sofia and we paid a visit to her on this International Bereaved Mothers Day. There were no gifts, no frills about THIS non-commercial 'holiday'. Just the memories of the children lost. Every time we visit her grave I try to think of her the way I held her just after she was delivered. The thought of her in the ground is almost too much for my mind to handle sometimes. I want to pick her up, to keep her warm, to kiss her face. Her little sister Rose resembles her so much, it's so very bittersweet.

As we placed the flowers in the vase and set a few of Sofia's things on her stone, Tim noticed that right in front of us was a lady bug on a blade of grass. How nice to see a sign from her; the timing was perfect. I didn't have my macro lens on me but I did manage to snap a few pictures.

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

Sofia, Sam ~ Mommy misses & loves you very, very much. XOXO

Source of Strength

A friend from Jr. High & High School reached out to me recently and asked if I would mind sharing my story on a blog she was starting for women to share stories of strength. The blog is called "Unite Out Loud". I was touched that she wanted to include my story and of course I jumped at the opportunity to share and spread the awareness.

I hope that it brings comfort and understanding to those who read my story. Comfort to those who might feel alone or have suffered a similar loss and understanding to those who have never experienced one. Click here to read the story she wrote and check out the other stories she has posted. The blog was just started so I'm sure many more stories of strength have yet to be written...

March for Babies 2012

The week leading up to the March of Dimes, March for Babies walk was a tough one. I was tearful every day, missing Sofia. It's hard to believe that it's been so long yet I still feel like it was yesterday that we said good-bye. No matter how many times I replay everything in my mind I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the enormous loss we have suffered.

It was a rainy day for a walk and considering the abnormally warm weather we have been having since January, the cold was a bit unexpected. Last year it was cold & windy. I had hoped for a warmer, sunny day but it was cold & wet. I thought to myself that the rain falling down was fitting with all the tears falling down my cheeks each night. A friend commented on facebook, "You need rain to make a rainbow!". How true that is, and how deep as well...

This year we purchased a sign for Sofia (money goes to March of Dimes). Her sign was one of the last on the walk and we stopped - our whole group huddled around as we took Rose out of her stroller and under the umbrella - and snapped a picture. If it hadn't been pouring we would have attempted our group photo right there. Maybe next time.

From March for Babies 2012

I wanted to get a group photo before the walk when it was only lightly misting but everybody was telling me to do it later. Then "later" it was raining so people left before we ended the walk which was disappointing. We understood though, because it was pretty icky outside. I was just bummed we didn't get a full group photo.  Next year we're doing it first (and it'll probably be bright & sunny at the end of the walk, ha!) Here is most of the group:

From March for Babies 2012

It was nice to go represent Sofia and all the babies struggling or gone too soon. I didn't see Betsy this year but I did see little Olivia's sign. Rose was such a trooper (of course she was probably the most dry out of everyone in our group being inside her warm car seat/stroller & covers). She was her usual smiley self and proudly wore her T-shirt in memory of her big sister.

From March for Babies 2012

The back of our shirts:

From May 1, 2012

We would like to thank everyone who joined us on the walk and to those who donated in memory of our Sofia Rose. It means more to us than I think people realize. There won't be many times in our life where we get to do something for Sofia and this is one way we can honor her and help babies survive in her name.

We've raised $760.00 as of May 1st and would love to raise more. Here is a link to our team page if you would like to  participate. http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t1741889