Sunday, July 8, 2012

Guilt- When does it end?

This has been on my mind for awhile now and I'm finally taking time to write about it. I was also unsure of which blog to put this on (which makes me rethink the keeping two blogs thing, but anyway...).

I find myself constantly feeling guilty when I say the following phrases to Sofia's little sister, baby Rose:

"Who is the cutest little baby we've ever seen!? You are!!"

"You're my little girl"

"I love my girl"

I could go on and on... I can't even think of the rest at this moment. Every time I think or say something along these lines I quickly think inside to myself "...but, not cuter than Sofia" or "you are my girl and so is Sofia". I've actually found myself saying out loud to Rose, "You're the cutest LIVING baby we know...". Ugh. Tim has done it too.

I don't want Sofia's little sister to grow up feeling like she's 2nd best or that she's less important in any way but at the same time I want to include Sofia and not dismiss her either. It's a tough internal battle for me emotionally.

Hopefully Rose will grow up understanding the difference and how important they both are to us, equally.

I've also had several encounters recently with strangers who are going gaga over baby Rose and who ask "Is this your first". ***cringe***  Lately I've just answered "yes" and then apologized to Sofia later and I try to convince her spirit that I know who my first really is. I just don't want to go through the whole story with some people and I'm trying to allow that for myself. It isn't easy.

I really want to hold Sofia again. I want to kiss her cheeks, touch her long and crazy hair. I see babies growing up- babies that were born around the same time as Sofia- and I get a knot in my stomach. Sofia would be bigger than him/her, she'd be running around right now. She would have long hair and be talking. In our minds, she is still a tiny little baby.

Some say time heals all wounds but I disagree. Time changes them- they are scars that never disappear.

From Other Photos

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