It was a Lady Bug Week!

It's almost as if Sofia is trying to say hello...

I've said it before, but I have to say again that I work with/for some great people. When I think of the woman recently in the news who was told to remove her daughter's photos from her desk and how it made coworkers uncomfortable that she talked about her deceased daughter it made me sick. I can't even imagine that.  I also realize how fortunate I am to be on the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to the workplace behaviors of others in relation to our loss.  It's not like I sit around talking sad stories every day but it's nice that I can mention things now & then without feeling bad.  And the thoughtfulness of others really is appreciated more than I can say.

My manager & friend, Sheila gave me this cute little ladybug. I recognized it right away because I had bought one for our siblings last Christmas (and wanted one but thought it might have been bad luck to buy myself a good luck token!). I'm so glad to have one now!! It sits on my desk in front of Sofia's photos.

From Other Photos

I thought this coloring was too cute! Sheila's son colored it and she thought of me. She told me not to feel bad about throwing it away...ha- like I'm going to throw it away! It's hanging on the wall at my desk. I love the little stars he colored on top of the antennae.

From Other Photos

This was a mystery bag I found in my desk drawer when I arrived to work Friday morning. Inside was a white gift box with tissue and a sticker sealing it. There wasn't a card or a name on the gift receipt inside so silly me wasn't sure if it was a gift for me or for someone else! It was actually quite comical trying to figure out who it was from.  Kind of a reverse scavenger hunt!

From Other Photos

I finally discovered it was indeed for me (the ladybug gave it away!) and the gift-giver, Tracie stopped by my desk. What a thoughtful gift! It will be perfect for Sofia's room (and for baby-to-be to enjoy). It was so nice of her to think of me, almost a year after our loss.

From Other Photos

It was a stressful week due to some home repairs & contractor issues (I'll save that for another day) but there was one little sign that Tim saw which made me smile. The day I was stressing over the house issue he was driving and saw a license plate in front of him that read, "LDYBG".

It's funny too, because just the week prior I was starting to think it had been awhile since we'd seen any 'signs' from the little girl. I was sad because I knew the chances of seeing a ladybug again this year were slim as we're heading quickly into the fall/winter season.  I guess she wanted to prove me wrong!

Eleven Months

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting. ~Joseph Campbell

How true this quote is. It doesn't mean we must let go of Sofia or her memory, rather we must let go the life that we planned with her. She will always be in our life, just not as we had planned. That won't stop us from thinking through all the "what if's" but in time it might get easier. We must also make room for the life that is now and the life that is coming with this baby.

In one month it will have been a year since we lost Sofia. Tim & I were discussing it yesterday and how fast the time has flown.  Tim said today that he knows she is always with us but it still hurts that she isn't here actually with us. I think it always will. Last night I held the framed photo by my bed of me holding Sofia in the hospital. No matter how many times I look at her I can't get over all the hair and how cute she was/is. That "empty arms" feeling has not gone away.  I want to hold HER again. Not just a baby- HER.

From Slideshow

Miss you & love you, Sofia Rose. XXOOXXOO

Stillbirth Remembrance Day

Quote taken from the Faces of Loss Faces of Hope facebook post today:

"September 6th is Stillbirth Remembrance Day. Stillbirths tragically strike 1 out every 115 pregnancies. In the USA, 26,000 babies are stillborn every year. That's approximately 71 precious babies every single day. Remembering all the babies lost to stillbirth today and everyday."


It's such a scary statistic and knowing how many other parents there are out there (and will be in the future) who will go through what we're going through is hard to imagine. Seriously- approx. 71 babies in the USA are stillborn every day?! It's so sad & heartbreaking.  To think that today there have been that many families impacted by this is just terrible.

Today we of course think of Sofia as we do every day, and all the other babies who died too soon.

A couple weeks ago we watched a movie "Life as we know it" that brought the sad emotions to the surface once again.  They're always there, but right now since I'm pregnant I try to keep them at bay so I don't get too upset and potentially cause harm to the growing baby inside my belly.

The movie was the opposite of our situation.  Parents of a one year old were both killed in a car crash and the baby was left alone, to be raised by her Godparents. We enjoyed the movie, even through some sad parts, but it was the end of the movie that brought on the tears.  They were celebrating her birthday and I just couldn't keep it in.  Without saying a word Tim knew exactly why I was crying. I looked over and tears streamed down his face too. The harsh reality that Sofia's birthday is quickly approaching and she won't be here for it is almost unbearable. We miss her so much.

We went for our weekly visit to the cemetery this past weekend and the area with the angel statue was all torn up.  The statue was on a pallet in the grass and all the square stones paid for & dedicated by families (including Sofia's from Tim's parents) were gone.  Even the bushes that surrounded them were torn out.  We aren't positive but we're thinking (HOPING) they are just fixing it up.  The stones were not in the ground very well and had shifted over time.  We can't imagine they would just be getting rid of it since the stones were bought by families.  It was kind of irritating though to find it in such disarray without being told.  Couldn't they at least have posted a sign or something!? I shouldn't let it bother me but it does.  Where is her stone?  My mom had placed a small gift we never saw on that stone and it was likely tossed out by the workers. We visit once a week and pick up any items left there or by her grave.  It bothered me knowing something of Sofia's was tossed and we never got to see it.  I asked Tim if he thought they'd even place the stones back in the same order as before (he doubts it, and honestly so do I). That bothers me too.  I know it's not her grave but it is a place where her name is engraved and we stop there to think of her often. We've grown accustomed to her "spot" by the angel and I'll be upset if her stone isn't in the same spot as before.  Hmpf.  I just hope it gets put back before winter.

10 Months

First of all, I can't believe it's already August.  More than that, I can't believe it's already been 10 months since we said good-bye to little Sofia.

This week all the little kids in the neighborhood walked to school with their families and while I sat in traffic looking at their cute faces I thought about how we'll never get to walk Sofia to her first day of school.  I know that had she lived she would only be 10 months now but still, the future-thinking got the best of me and I was sad that we will miss out on that with her in the years ahead.

After a night and early morning full of thunderstorms I received a text and photo from my SIL, Sarah.  It was a photo of a rainbow this morning.  I suppose Sofia was saying hello on this 10 month anniversary.  I'm glad she shared it with me so I could get "the message" too...

From Other Photos

After work today I stopped by a little shop called "The Cottage Door".  They have all kinds of cute little decor for the house, wickless candles, etc.  I stop in every few months to check out their new inventory.  Today there was no question these caught my eye and of course- I bought them!  Even though they are intended to be zipper pulls or cell phone charms, I think I'll hang them from my rear view mirror.  A ladybug for Sofia, a bee for Sam.

From Other Photos

When I got home and before we went out for dinner my sister, Andrea stopped by for a quick visit.  She bought me a little souvenir while on a trip to CO.  She saw it & said she just had to get it.  It's a "good luck" token and I'll probably keep it safe inside my purse.  Lord knows I could use it!  Ladybugs are supposed to bring good luck to so...

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

We went to dinner to Kona tonight.  Mostly because I was craving some crab rolls since I woke up this morning (luckily those are safe to eat while pregnant) and the macadamia nut chicken.  It was tasty as usual and I am stuffed.  While we were walking in to the restaurant I commented to Tim how every time we go there I think about how this was the last place we went out to dinner before Sofia died.  I have mixed emotions about that.  I guess it was fitting that we went there today, 10 months later.

Miss you & love you Sofia Rose! 

XXXXXOOOOOOOXXXXXXOOOOOOO

1/3 of a Rainbow in Sight

For the past three months I have been living in a world of anxiety, excitement, fear, worry, nervousness, wonder and HOPE.

On June 2, 2011 we received an amazing 10 year anniversary gift.  One that can't be bought.  The gift of learning we had another life joining our family: baby #3.

I wish I could say we were jumping up & down in happiness but the truth is we were both filled with a range of emotions.  It's not that we are not happy, we are, but we have been burned twice in less than a year and it's a very scary place to be.  No control over the outcome.  All I can do is take care of myself, hope & pray that this time is different.

This blog was created specifically to honor Sofia's memory, and so I plan to continue that.  After this post the rest regarding baby on the way will be on a separate blog, dedicated to this new pregnancy and baby.  I realize it might be too difficult for fellow BLM's to read about pregnancy while they are in various stages of grief following their own loss, or while on the sometimes difficult journey of TTC.  I'm sensitive to those feelings and so I don't want to throw it in people's faces when it's too hard to read.  I also want to retain the support of my fellow BLM's because I'm still dealing with the grief of two losses as well.  Edit: you can get to the new blog here or by clicking on the 'Our Rainbow' link on this blog.

I know many people IRL don't understand what we're going through.  It's probably hard for people to comprehend why we might still be sad, upset, filled with worry, etc.  Being pregnant again has not changed ANYTHING as far as the grief we have goes.  It is a new challenge, trying to "relax" (whatever that means) and not stress my body out.

Along with the fears of something going wrong with this pregnancy we both have fears of others viewing a new baby as a replacement.  We don't want Sofia to be forgotten or never mentioned.  I think that's been one of our concerns from the minute we lost her.

It is especially hard for me when I have moments of deep sadness, missing Sofia, and having to suppress some of the emotions that go along with it.  Not long after we found out I was expecting again I had a rough night missing her and I literally stopped myself mid-breakdown because I was then so fearful that I was stressing out myself or the baby.  This is not an easy feat.  I'm one to get my feelings out rather than suppress them but because of our situation I have way too much to lose if I don't.

I have joined a private online support group for 'Rainbow Babies' due Feb. 2012.  It's good to have others to turn to when I have feelings to share that others IRL might not understand. These women have suffered multiple miscarriages, stillbirths, or infant loss and can definitely relate.  I have also been reading a great book: "Pregnancy after a Loss...A Guide to Pregnancy after a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death" by Carol Cirulli Lanham.  It covers so much that we've been going through and is written by another BLM who wrote it because there wasn't a book like it when she experienced a loss and subsequent pregnancy. There are several accounts from other BLM's and how they dealt with other people, their own feelings, and what to expect.  Another great aspect of this book is it further validates what I'm feeling and I know that it is totally normal how I'm dealing with it all.

So far it has been a tough road and I anticipate it will continue to be until this baby is born healthy and we take him or her home with us.  (And probably even after that)  Fortunately I have a new OB who has so far been very accommodating and supportive to our needs.  I've been in every two weeks since we found out and have had several ultrasounds to confirm baby is on track so far.

I am 14 weeks along today, the start of the 2nd trimester.  We have a partial rainbow in sight.  One third of the way.  Praying we see a full rainbow at the end of this road.  Due date is 2/6/12 but we expect to induce some time at the end of January, before I hit 40 weeks.

Here are a couple of the most recent photos of Sofia & Sam's little sibling.  We're sure they had a hand in picking him/her out for us:

3D Image at 12 weeks 2 days

From Our Rainbow

2D Image at 12 weeks 2 days ~ Profile & baby sticking out tongue

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

9 Months

I've read this so many times on other BLM's blogs that it almost seems repetitive but I guess we all feel the same when we hit this mark.  Nine months since we said hello & good-bye.  The time that has passed now equals the time Sofia existed.  It seems impossible.  And the sad part is, only Tim & I recognize it today.

We know that she isn't really forgotten but we also know she isn't thought of as often as she might have been (by others) those first few weeks & months.  It's unrealistic to have expectations for others about our dead baby yet it's so hard not to also have feelings of anger as time passes and it seems as though people forget.

It's frustrating to hear insensitive comments or witness insensitive actions especially when made by family.  People don't mean to say the wrong thing and we know this, but at the same time we agree it would feel a whole lot better if people thought about things before they said them.  I have a hard time with this as does Tim, though I'm much more sensitive and vocal about my feelings.  It just sucks that we're in this position and I'm struggling with how to deal with my emotions.

Awhile back someone made the comment something to the effect of, "Don't you figure when you have another baby you'll feel better?".  Clearly people don't get it.  Having another baby will surely fill a void in our lives - the void of raising a child.  Having another baby will NOT "make us feel better".  A child is a child and cannot be replaced!  It's so hard sometimes.

I haven't blogged in quite a while but it isn't because I feel great and cheery and have nothing to blog about.  Actually, it's completely the opposite.  I almost feel like I have so much to blog about I'm overwhelmed so I don't blog at all.  I need to set some time aside for myself but my thoughts seem to come to me at the most inconvenient times.  Sometimes I wish my blog could write itself based on the thoughts in my head...but then again, that might not be a good idea!!

Today I received an email from a BLM I met in April at the child loss conference we attended.  It was very out of the blue and was so nice to hear from her, especially when I hadn't heard from anyone that reminded me of Sofia today.  Which reminds me, I never did post about that conference so that is now on my 'to-do' list for the near future.

Last week I received an email from another BLM I don't know personally but she is also from Omaha and found me/my blog on Faces of Loss.  It was so nice of her to send me a kind email and it reminds me that although sometimes we BLM's feel alone we truly are not.  There is a great support system for us and I'm very grateful for that.

Last year on July 4th I was showing a small belly in my red, white & blue dress and was excited and happy as can be.  I remember having a photo taken in the backyard and then at a family get-together having a photo taken of Tim & I with his cousin Bernie & Jackie who was also pregnant at the time.  I remember thinking how fun it was going to be the next year when the two little ones were crawling around on the 4th.  Instead, Sofia is not here and I was sad.

From Other Photos

This is not what I thought last year when I pictured our life with Sofia.

From Other Photos

I looked through some of Sofia's things tonight, tried to smell her but the small teddy bear with a strong odor overpowered all her things.  I pulled out her lock of hair from the small dragonfly case and was instantly brought back to that day in the hospital when Tim cut it from her small head.  She had so much hair that it wasn't even noticeable that we took some.  It's as close as I'll ever be again to my little girl and it hurts so much.

Nine months has sure passed by quickly but it still stings like it was just moments ago.  We love you Sofia! XXOXXO

Getaway & Memories

We decided to take a trip to get out of town and relax for awhile.  I came home from work one day and said we need to plan a trip so we have something to look forward to.  We planned it in two days and a month later we headed for Jamaica.

It was mostly a getaway for our minds but it was also kind of an anniversary trip for 10 years.  Our honeymoon was in Jamaica so we thought it would be nice to go back there.  We didn't even leave the resort but that's OK.  That was the intention.  We normally are adventurous and do excursions, sight-seeing, shopping, etc.  This time was just to relax. Besides, we've been there, done that.

Relaxing doesn't mean escaping though.  Of course Sofia was on our minds. When we were walking the open air hallway toward our room after checking in we walked by this large painting of a hibiscus flower and knew Sofia was with us.

From Jamaica Trip

The next day on the beach it was very breezy off the ocean and in the distance I heard music coming from the resort.  I couldn't believe my ears.  It was Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, the same version played at Sofia's funeral. I feel we were meant to hear it that day

From Jamaica Trip

It was nice just spending time together, not worrying about where to be, what to do next.  Sometimes you have to be forced to have a good time.  Jamaica is the right place for that, and it was easy to do.  One day we played in the sand.  Sounds silly but it was fun writing things in the sand, not caring about people around us.  Tim collected items on the beach for me to spell out Sofia's name.  I spelled out Sam's name too along with fellow BLM Molly's son's name, Hayes. It was nice.

From Jamaica Trip

From Jamaica Trip

While I didn't feel as comfortable in a bathing suit as I did 10 years ago, I didn't care because 10 years ago I hadn't just had a full term baby within 8 months, and I didn't have all the stress that grief can bring. To think that back then I thought stress was planning a wedding. Oh, if I only knew then what I know now...

From Jamaica Trip

So we lounged at the pool, lounged at the beach, went to the Jerk Chicken Hut for our daily lunch on the beach.  We swam in the crystal-clear ocean, kayaked the reef.  We talked about our life, where we've been, where we are, and where we're going.

From Jamaica Trip

On the flight home I was thinking about Sofia again and was happy to look out my window of the airplane to see a little rainbow.  Then I saw a full circular rainbow around the shadow of our plane.

From Jamaica Trip

From Jamaica Trip

Like I said before, it was a getaway but not an escape.  We knew that.  I didn't expect to be 'all better' after a week in the sun.  No, life didn't change magically from taking a short trip.  Reality was right there waiting for us when we got home.

For the first time since probably November, on Sunday I pulled open the drawers in Sofia's room.  A rush of memories & emotions came over me.  All the onesies, socks, bibs, etc. that I had washed & folded in the weeks leading up to her birth still folded in place in the drawers.  I remember imagining our baby in those clothes.  The 'Baby's First Thanksgiving' outfit still sits on top.  Sigh.  I opened the closet door and looked inside for a few minutes.  The original coming home outfits we had bought still hang from the hangars. The 'Baby's First Halloween' outfit hangs there too.  More emotions, more memories.  All the little things we bought along the way, planned to use sit still in her room.  If we bring another baby home some day there are things we will put away because they were bought specifically for her.  It's hard to imagine any other baby besides her.

Last night I had a hard time falling asleep (and staying asleep).  I woke up every few hours.  I just could not sleep.  When it was time to wake up for work I was finally ready for bed. Ugh.  I showered & as I was drying my hair I just started to cry.  I'm missing Sofia in a big way right now.  One of our dogs, Maggie came over to my side to console me.  She wouldn't rest until I stopped crying so I obliged.  She was rewarded for her good deed after work tonight, with a long walk. It was good for me to get out too.