Back in Time

The day we found out our baby had died was the day we began moving every baby item in the house into the nursery.  The pack n play, strollers, car seat & bases, blankets, books, etc. were all moved into Sofia's room.  The room is so packed full of things now that we can barely walk in.  Since we have pets we keep the door closed but every now and then we go in and look around.

Today was one of those days.  Walking in the room is like stepping into a time warp.  Even more so since I rarely go in.  The vent is closed so it's cold and the only sound is the tick-tock of the lady bug clock  I bought in Breckenridge last summer. Otherwise it is complete silence.

It's a strange feeling; it takes me back to happy times when we were anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first born.  I remember clearing out the room and Tim painting from floor to ceiling in a soft shade of sky blue.  I remember the nights after work paining the bugs on the walls and clouds in the "sky".  As my belly grew, I sat in the rocking chair when my Dad came over to hang the mirror over the changing table and put up the shelves on the wall that he made to match the white shelves I found at the flea market.  I distinctly remember she was kicking me a lot that day.  I remember Tim surprising me by assembling the crib one day before I came home from work.  We were so happy then.

The blankets from the hospital are still wrapped in our plastic"take-home" bag.  Every now & then I take one out and hold it close and try to catch her scent.  In some ways it makes me feel closer to her.  I just wish I was holding her in them and not stuffing them back into a bag for preservation.

The room is filled with so much love, happiness, hope... Maybe that's why when I go in it is just for a short while, to ensure none of those elements somehow escape when the door opens.

I went to Kohl's this weekend and they are selling the "Kohl's Cares" books and stuffed animals with the Eric Carle book.  Since we already had a smaller version of the book (a gift from my parents while I was pregnant), I decided to just get the caterpillar.  The lady bug is cute too but I have several lady bugs and thought the caterpillar was pretty cute.  I'm sad that I'm buying it for a room where no child can see or play with it but eventually we hope that won't be the case.

My sister-in-law, Sarah and the girls bought a rubber ball for Sofia's room recently.  It's green and has lady bugs on it.  It's a nice addition to the room.  It's nice that we can still add to the room even after she is gone.  For her, for her future siblings, and for us.

Here are photos of Sofia's room before we lost her (before we moved everything from the rest of the house in) and of the caterpillar and lady bug ball...

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

From Other Photos