Wishes

A few nights ago as I cried myself to sleep out of sadness and wishing we had Sofia with us I remembered something my Granny once told me.  She said, "Don't wish your life away!".  That was years ago and until then I wasn't as conscious that I said "I wish..." before my sentences.  I must have been saying it a lot back then because even though Granny is one of the most outspoken ladies I know it was enough for her to put me in my place and made me take notice.  Slowly over time I've come to realize that wishing for something to occur doesn't make it happen - taking action does.

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a photographer.  Not just someone who buys a camera and thinks they are - I wanted to expand on my skills that I'd learned from photography courses in college and experience from years of taking photos.  A few years ago I made a decision - not a wish - to do just that.  Even if it's part time I'm still achieving that personal goal (still a work-in-progress).  It's a balance with my personal & social life and having a full time job but it works.  And thankfully I have it as an outlet as I continue to grieve for our daughter.

But not everything is that easy.  I wished for a baby and we were elated to have one only to lose her in the end.  Now I wish for her to be here.  I wish to have just one more moment holding her.  I wish I could have my friend Jen take photos of us with her so I'd have a bunch more.  I wish to be a mom and not have to visit my baby at a cemetery.  All of these are wishes that cannot come true.  How do I take action on these? I can't.  It's a frustrating place to be mentally.  I'm a "fixer" by nature and I can't fix this.  It sucks.

One thing I have learned both from Granny and from Sofia is to not take what we have for granted.  I will always hold on to those few hours we had with her in the hospital and I'm thankful I didn't lose her sooner, else I wouldn't have seen how beautiful our children would be.  Some day we hope to see her in the face(s) of her sibling(s).  I hope happy days are in our future.

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Last Friday I went with Tim to get his tattoo in memory of Sofia.  He's been wanting it for months and I've been so busy I haven't had time to design it.  He finally made an appointment and gave me no choice but to sketch out a design.  We used Sofia's actual footprint (to scale) and had a rose go across with her name above the stem.  Originally we were going to have her name on the stem but it would be too small and the letters would have bled together.  It only took about an hour and he's very happy to have it done.  He chose to have it on his chest, above his heart.  He likes to say that "Sofia walks all over him"...his attempt at being funny. :) I'm still trying to decide if I will get one, what & where on my body.  I'm so particular that it'll probably take some time to decide.  

From Slideshow

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This morning Tim asked about opening the door to Sofia's room and organizing everything (stroller, car seat, swing, bouncer) that currently sits on the floor in there.  He wants to have the room open so we can feel closer to her and less "shut off" from it all.  I think we might do that, if we can find a place for everything.  I just want it all to stay nice & clean and untouched.  I suppose at some point we need to keep it open, so we might as well take the steps to do so now.  I'm just overly sensitive to that room and will freak if anything happens to it.  It's one of only a few places that I feel like I can connect with her.

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Moose is at the vet for an overnight stay (surgery in the morning).  I'm a bit anxious not having him here and thinking about the poor guy alone & scared at the vet office.  Tim gave him an old tank top to snuggle with.  I just want him to get the surgery over with and be back home where he belongs.  Maggie has been struggling missing her pal.  We took her with us on a car ride to visit Sofia tonight.  She was a little confused but at least she got to go along.  Dogs aren't allowed at the cemetery so she had to stay in the car.  I think she was upset seeing all the open grass - she wanted to get out pretty bad!  

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

Decorations made by our niece, Lily.  Sarah said when they drove away Lily said, "Good-bye baby Sofia, love you".  I'm so glad she knows about her cousin and that she's allowed to go visit.  I remember stopping by one night after work and Lily showed me the decorations she made and the larger blue butterfly she found at the store (and insisted that Sarah buy for Sofia).  She was so happy to do something nice for Sofia and it made us feel good.  

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

My cousin Helen also stopped by the weekend before last and brought Sofia pink roses & this huge lady bug. Her son made a 'Sofia' sign out of plastic to put up by the antenna.  We were both touched that he did this at school for her.  It is the validation we need that she is a part of this family and that she is - and always will be - loved by many.

From Other Photos

My sister also paid Sofia a visit and brought this cute little bug decoration.  

From Other Photos