Stone by the Angel

Although I haven't blogged as frequently lately it is by no means a reflection on how I feel these days.  Some things recently have upset us and we're having difficulty in dealing with those emotions.  We took a trip last weekend to Chicago - we needed a getaway.  We had a good time downtown and the weather wasn't as cold as it can get in the windy city so it made walking up & down the city blocks more bearable.  We made a road trip out of it with Tim's cousin Bernie & Jackie.  Here are a few pictures from downtown.

On the train, en route to Chicago

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Just off the train - Union Station, Chicago

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On steps of Union Station, Chicago

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Reflections on the bean, downtown Chicago

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Under the bean, that's me in the center looking up

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Us holding hands, reflection on the bean, downtown Chicago

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My cousin had her baby on Friday.  It was a surprise - a girl.  It was quite bittersweet for us.  We are very happy for them but it was so hard knowing my parents were up at the hospital waiting with anticipation and experiencing a happy outcome for someone else's baby.  I want so much for that to be us back in October.  I held her for awhile and kept my composure - until I got in my car and drove away from the hospital and right past my baby girl's burial site.  I tearfully waved as I drove past and said, "Hi Sofia, mommy loves you".  I'm not sure what was harder - driving in the snowy blizzard-like conditions on the interstate or trying to see past my tears.  It was nice to spend the evening with Holly and just talk.

We visited Sofia on Saturday.  There was more fresh snow covering her grave and Tim shoveled a path once again.  We also went over to the angel statue and saw the new stone that was put in.  This was from her grandparents (Tim's parents). We love how it turned out and the coloring of the stone is great.  It's nice to see her name carved in another place, another mark in this world proving her existence.

Sofia's stone is in the foreground

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I think the star symbolizes she was stillborn

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People say that time heals all wounds but I have yet to find this to be true.  For me the aching in my heart only increases as time goes by.  Saturday night we went over to Tim's parents house to celebrate his Dad's birthday.  On the way home I commented to Tim about how nice it was that his nieces Lily & Lucy were so playful that night.  They really seemed to be warming up to him and even sat in his lap when they tossed the ball, etc.  Just as I mentioned this to him he began to cry.  He realizes what he will never have with his own little girl.  We cried all the way home.  Life can sure be cruel.

Happy Valentine's Day, Sofia Rose~

It's been awhile since I posted last.  It isn't so much because I had nothing to say.  It's more that I've been keeping myself occupied with my hobbies and work that I barely have a moment to spare.  Additionally, I have had some feelings of frustration lately and keep contemplating how to go about expressing those thoughts without sounding crabby.


As we approached last Saturday, 2.12.2011 (4 months since we said good-bye), I was growing more sad and annoyed by our entire "situation".  I understand our baby girl is not ever coming back and we keep moving forward day after day, but the feelings of frustration come in when we feel like she is somehow being forced out with one word: silence.  Not by us, but by people who are not comfortable talking about her so they don't.  Whether it's well-intended or not, it hurts.  It's not fair.  She's our girl and we miss her so much.  We aren't that married couple who just doesn't want kids... We have one - she just isn't here physically.  I suppose it's too much for some to handle and yes, everyone grieves differently, but my thoughts on that are nobody can feel the pain as much as we do.  Why inflict more pain by acting as if she never existed?  We are extremely grateful for the people who do keep talking to us about her - it means more than anything right now.


I've said it before but I'll say it again - besides having a best friend in my husband, I am so lucky to also have one of the greatest friends on earth.  Not sure how I'd be today without Holly's friendship.  This has been such a tough road but she's been there for me every day.  For almost 4 months straight she texted me every day just to check in.  I don't expect that from anyone but just a short message letting me know that she cared meant so much.  Grieving for a lost baby is so painful and lonely when so many people around us have been fortunate to bring their babies home.  I appreciate not feeling so lonely just knowing that some people still care.  Hopefully Holly doesn't mind me posting this, but here's a few lines from her in an email to me last week.  The caring doesn't stop - and I'm forever grateful...


"Hope today was a better day and you found/find something to smile about."

"Always here for you."


"I am sorry that you have to deal with this pain and I will always be here for you, I just wish there was something any of us could do to change what happened or at the very least bring understanding, peace and happiness back to you.  Sofia's death is truly the saddest most unimaginable thing that I have ever dealt with and it's really shitty that it had to happen to my best friend and a couple that deserves nothing but happiness.  I just showered, so now I am blaming you for messing up my makeup...darn it!  ;)"


On Saturday it was 4 months since we last held our baby girl.  As I was cleaning up the house I thought of Sofia and how she would probably be smiling, cooing & laughing by now.  She would probably be sporting a pony tail with all that dark hair she had.  Then I walked past the living room table and when I looked down at the ground this is what I saw:

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It was a tiny little rainbow shining down on the carpet.  It helped me that day.


Valentine's day has never been a big deal to me.  It seems like an overrated commercial holiday to me.  I'd much rather get flowers on random days throughout the year.  It probably meant a little more when we first started dating but goodness, that was like 12-13 years ago!  Otherwise it was just a fun kids holiday to me.  Then the year after we were married my Godfather, Steve Morinelli suddenly passed away in the night and his funeral was on Valentine's day.  And today we brought some pretty flowers to our daughter except instead of showing them to her and giving her kisses we brought them to her final resting place and blew butterfly kisses in the breeze.  We love you Sofia Rose.


Here are some photos of the Valentine's cards/gifts/flowers for Sofia.  Even more things were brought by Sarah & the girls and my mom & granny later in the day but I don't have photos of them yet.  And I realize the horizontal photos hang over the page but I'm leaving it right now because I have to log off.  I need to learn that everything doesn't have to be "perfect"...so here they are:

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Lyrics

I'm not sure why but I never used to pay much attention to the lyrics in a song.  I love music and of course there are lyrics I know but to really "feel" the song is something I didn't fully experience until we lost Sofia.

Just the other day I was listening to my Pandora station and a song by Kenny Chesney came on then I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  I had heard it many times before but now it had more meaning to me.  With the exception of a few words in the first verse about a smile and laughin' (because I never got to see or hear them from Sofia) this could have been written by me.

I picture myself at 70 years old, sitting in a rocking chair looking out at the mountains and singing this song.  I have read countless stories of other women who have lost their babies and they go their entire lives thinking of their lost child.  Life goes on, things change, distractions and time ease the pain, more children may bring happiness, but the sadness and longing to hold that baby will never - ever go away.

Who You'd Be Today lyrics

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

[Instrumental Break]

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

A Year Ago Today

It was the most exciting day of our lives.  This was the day we found out we were expecting our very first baby.  I can't believe it's already been a year.  I remember that day so clearly, as if it were yesterday.  I was shocked to see the word "Pregnant" on the home pregnancy test; so surprised and filled with disbelief and happiness that I made an appointment that morning to have my blood drawn to confirm it.  Sure enough, it was true!  I picked up a dozen balloons and a toy truck to tie them to and put them in what would become the nursery.  When Tim came home I had him go in the room to get something for me (and he didn't even look up to see the balloons!).  I had him go back in and he couldn't believe it.  Shortly after we sat talking about it when the nurse called to confirm my blood work and my estimated delivery date: 10-10-10.

Little did we know what significance that date would have for us later in the year, the day she passed away.  I wish I could go back and warn myself to be extra careful (but how could I have been!?).  I wouldn't tell myself to not get excited because that was the best 9 months of my adult life.  I loved being pregnant.  Nothing can change what's done but I sure which it could sometimes.

Here are some photos from that day...

I wrote down the date the morning I found out before work. 2/3/10.

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Here's the surprise I had waiting for Tim when he got home that day.

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A closer look...

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February Decorations

We made a stop on Sunday to visit Sofia. Much of the snow had melted including my snow angel but I could still see where the angel wings were because more of the ground was visible in those parts. We decided to take down some of the Christmas decor and put up some Valentine's Day decorations for February. Wow, the ground is frozen solid this time of year! Some of the decorations had to stay because we couldn't get them out of the ground. What we could get I put in a bag to take home. Nothing gets tossed unless it's biodegradable (the orange, pumpkins, etc). We're saving everything we can.

With the ground being so frozen it was tough even for Tim to put into the ground but we did the best we could. We brought the heart which is very similar to the red wreath that was there before.

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Here is a bag of candy hearts (erasers) and a pretty heart pin we found at the antique store.  She's the first person we thought of when we saw it.  I pinned a ribbon to it and wrote a note to her.

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I found this little stone and thought it was perfect for Sofia.

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Here is a little pink Valentine's box I decorated for Sofia. We wrote a little Valentine to her and placed it inside. Anyone who goes to visit please drop one off for her - she (and we) would love it. When I was decorating it I remembered being a child and all the fun I had with my mom & sister, sitting in the dining room or kitchen, decorating our Valentine's boxes for school. I realized this is yet another thing I'll never get to do with Sofia but I was happy to make one for her.  Oh, and the little snow globe on the left of a doggie holding a "Love You" heart.

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Here's a pink sequin heart we put in with the poinsettia & white-turned-pink rose.

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Later in the day my mom & sister paid a visit to Sofia. My mom made this cute little fence with hearts and bows on it. She had hoped to get it in the ground, standing up near her stone but the ground was too frozen. I think it looks pretty like this too.

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My sister brought these "Happy Valentine's Day" signs to stick in the ground but they look great in with the flowers. My mom also brought the cute little lady bug with heart shaped wings.

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Visit from a lady...

Sigh... Where to start? The past week has been a rough one for me. I've been hard on myself and although the rational thoughts in my mind tell me I shouldn't think certain things, I can't help it.

A week ago Friday I woke up to a dream that I wish would have lasted much, much longer than it did. Many of the details are fuzzy now and were that morning but what I do remember is that there was a baby. It might have been Sofia but I can't remember. I do know it was my baby though and it was a girl. I remember holding her and having a very strong bond. That's about all I can remember. So when I woke up I was so upset because I realized it was only a dream. I wanted so badly to fall back asleep and hold her again. Instead, I had to get out of bed and go about my day with the strongest urge to hold my baby. It's a feeling I can only assume other mothers (who get to keep their babies) have when their baby is crying in another room and they rush to their side to console them. It's that "momma bear" feeling of protectiveness and mothering. How does a mom mother her baby when her baby is not here physically? It is so hard. It's an aching feeling that won't go away. It lasted for about a week; it comes and goes daily but it was much stronger after that realistic dream.

Then came the rush of feelings that I thought were over. The wave of emotions I knew would come back eventually finally did. Little snapshots of that week keep flashing in my mind. Walking up to the desk at my OB's office, joking with the lady & saying that she "jinxed" me for saying the week prior that I'd have the baby before I hit 40 weeks. The image of my baby's still body on the ultrasound. Sitting in the hospital while everyone talked funeral arrangements while I sat there numb both physically and mentally, waiting for labor to progress. The second Tim cut the umbilical cord and our lifeless baby girl being whisked away. The sadness in the hospital room and saying good-bye to her.

I want so badly to go back to that day and hold her just a little longer. I know that it would never be enough. If I held her for an hour longer I'd wish for two more hours. A lifetime isn't enough, how in the world can just a few hours be?

While I'm very fortunate for what I do have in life I still have a great emptiness where Sofia should be. She's always in our hearts and in our minds but that's just not enough. In a strange way it's like if I replay the events in my mind again maybe the outcome will change. I know it won't, but sometimes I feel like that when I replay it over & over in my mind. I WANT it to be a different ending but it's not possible. Babies are born every day all over the world; why did this have to happen to me? Why does it happen at all...

Most of the past week has been filled with these thoughts & feelings and while I still feel sad as I write this tonight, I think Sofia might have sent me a sign yesterday.

I was going to lunch with my Mom, Granny & sister on Saturday. My Mom was picking me up and while I waited for her I opened up the coat closet and pulled out my red coat. Something caught my eye in a flash. Tim was standing behind me and I asked if he saw it. I asked if he saw the bug fly out and he did. I swore it was a lady bug because I saw a bit of red color fly past my eye. I began a desperate search to find it and there it was, on the blinds by the front door. A lady bug! I couldn't believe it. What was the lady bug doing in the closet in the middle of winter? Tim & I just looked at each other. Of course I then ran for my camera! Maybe she knew how hard the week has been for me and was sending a message. Maybe it was just a bug hiding in a closet. I'd like to think it was her. After all, her room has lady bugs painted on the walls and on her crib sheets. I can't help but wonder...

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New Year's Resolutions

I haven't decided on any real New Year's resolutions like losing weight from my pregnancy or not eating as many sweets. I usually don't come up with resolutions and think it would be tough to follow. With that said, this year I do have many hopes & dreams and one of them is just to continue on with our lives and try to be happy even though we struggle daily missing our baby girl.

Another baby loss mom friend of mine, Betsy gave me a great idea and I've decided to give it a try myself. I'm going to do my best at "Project 52". I like the idea of "Project 365" however with our busy lives I don't want to set myself up for failure. The project is to take one photo per week all year (52 weeks) to document the year. Since I have such a love for photos and likely will be taking them anyway, I think this is a fantastic way to document our lives. I think it'll be interesting to look back on and to share with our future children. I'm actually excited about it and I think it'll give me reason to get out and take more photos. Maybe some day I'll try Project 365 but right now I don't know if I have the time for it. I'm glad it's only January and I'm not really behind.

We had a lot of snow fall last night while we were at Holly & Travis's house. Tim's new Jeep got us home safely but it was pretty much like a blizzard out there! There were snow drifts around the Jeep and in our driveway when we got home. This morning I made a comment about Sofia's grave and wondered how snow covered it might be so we decided to venture out and see for ourselves. The roads within the cemetery hadn't even been plowed yet and it was around 11:15 AM. Good thing for SUV's & good tires. When we first approached her grave was almost completely covered. Only a few Christmas decorations stuck up through the snow. We were both in our snow gear and while Tim shoveled a path I cleared off Sofia's stone.

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From the road, facing Sofia's grave and to the left there is an area where no babies are yet buried. I decided to make a snow angel for Sofia and wrote in the snow. It was kind of fun to do and since it's a baby section I thought it would be sweet to have something child-like there.

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We decided to walk over to the statue that sits in front of the many rows of babies in the "Serenity" section of the cemetery where Sofia is buried. It's an angel holding a baby. Staring at the statue I thought it was a nice feeling to know angels are holding all of our babies. But then I started thinking how I pictured Sofia up in heaven. I'm almost certain she is right there helping the angels - an angel herself - waiting with open arms to welcome the next babies that arrive into heaven.

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When we returned home I decided to go out in the backyard with the dogs for some fun in the snow. Maggie just loves playing in the snow. If she were human and could make a list of her top three favorite things to do it would be: 1) Play in snow 2) Play in pool 3) Walks.

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A few weeks ago when I created my photography logo I also created a stamp with Sofia's footprints. We were trying to figure out how to sign cards and still include Sofia even though she's not here. I found a company that does custom stamps - you just upload the photo/design and they create it. Now we have the perfect way to include her own "signature".

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We continue to have good days and bad days. I'm still trying to figure out how not to be sad at work so I can focus 100%. I think it's just going to take some time and hopefully I don't drive people too crazy in the mean time. Last week Tim said it was hard at the hockey game when he went up for a beer and saw a man walking with his young daughter. Those are the things he had really looked forward to with our baby. He really was excited to BE a Daddy. We both agreed that we were fortunate to have found each other when we were young. We were spared having our hearts broken. Neither of us thought we'd ever have to experience a broken heart in this way. We still talk about her daily and think of her constantly. We both still talk to her as well. Hopefully she can hear us. We love you Sofia Rose. ~Mommy & Daddy