10 Months

First of all, I can't believe it's already August.  More than that, I can't believe it's already been 10 months since we said good-bye to little Sofia.

This week all the little kids in the neighborhood walked to school with their families and while I sat in traffic looking at their cute faces I thought about how we'll never get to walk Sofia to her first day of school.  I know that had she lived she would only be 10 months now but still, the future-thinking got the best of me and I was sad that we will miss out on that with her in the years ahead.

After a night and early morning full of thunderstorms I received a text and photo from my SIL, Sarah.  It was a photo of a rainbow this morning.  I suppose Sofia was saying hello on this 10 month anniversary.  I'm glad she shared it with me so I could get "the message" too...

From Other Photos

After work today I stopped by a little shop called "The Cottage Door".  They have all kinds of cute little decor for the house, wickless candles, etc.  I stop in every few months to check out their new inventory.  Today there was no question these caught my eye and of course- I bought them!  Even though they are intended to be zipper pulls or cell phone charms, I think I'll hang them from my rear view mirror.  A ladybug for Sofia, a bee for Sam.

From Other Photos

When I got home and before we went out for dinner my sister, Andrea stopped by for a quick visit.  She bought me a little souvenir while on a trip to CO.  She saw it & said she just had to get it.  It's a "good luck" token and I'll probably keep it safe inside my purse.  Lord knows I could use it!  Ladybugs are supposed to bring good luck to so...

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

We went to dinner to Kona tonight.  Mostly because I was craving some crab rolls since I woke up this morning (luckily those are safe to eat while pregnant) and the macadamia nut chicken.  It was tasty as usual and I am stuffed.  While we were walking in to the restaurant I commented to Tim how every time we go there I think about how this was the last place we went out to dinner before Sofia died.  I have mixed emotions about that.  I guess it was fitting that we went there today, 10 months later.

Miss you & love you Sofia Rose! 

XXXXXOOOOOOOXXXXXXOOOOOOO

1/3 of a Rainbow in Sight

For the past three months I have been living in a world of anxiety, excitement, fear, worry, nervousness, wonder and HOPE.

On June 2, 2011 we received an amazing 10 year anniversary gift.  One that can't be bought.  The gift of learning we had another life joining our family: baby #3.

I wish I could say we were jumping up & down in happiness but the truth is we were both filled with a range of emotions.  It's not that we are not happy, we are, but we have been burned twice in less than a year and it's a very scary place to be.  No control over the outcome.  All I can do is take care of myself, hope & pray that this time is different.

This blog was created specifically to honor Sofia's memory, and so I plan to continue that.  After this post the rest regarding baby on the way will be on a separate blog, dedicated to this new pregnancy and baby.  I realize it might be too difficult for fellow BLM's to read about pregnancy while they are in various stages of grief following their own loss, or while on the sometimes difficult journey of TTC.  I'm sensitive to those feelings and so I don't want to throw it in people's faces when it's too hard to read.  I also want to retain the support of my fellow BLM's because I'm still dealing with the grief of two losses as well.  Edit: you can get to the new blog here or by clicking on the 'Our Rainbow' link on this blog.

I know many people IRL don't understand what we're going through.  It's probably hard for people to comprehend why we might still be sad, upset, filled with worry, etc.  Being pregnant again has not changed ANYTHING as far as the grief we have goes.  It is a new challenge, trying to "relax" (whatever that means) and not stress my body out.

Along with the fears of something going wrong with this pregnancy we both have fears of others viewing a new baby as a replacement.  We don't want Sofia to be forgotten or never mentioned.  I think that's been one of our concerns from the minute we lost her.

It is especially hard for me when I have moments of deep sadness, missing Sofia, and having to suppress some of the emotions that go along with it.  Not long after we found out I was expecting again I had a rough night missing her and I literally stopped myself mid-breakdown because I was then so fearful that I was stressing out myself or the baby.  This is not an easy feat.  I'm one to get my feelings out rather than suppress them but because of our situation I have way too much to lose if I don't.

I have joined a private online support group for 'Rainbow Babies' due Feb. 2012.  It's good to have others to turn to when I have feelings to share that others IRL might not understand. These women have suffered multiple miscarriages, stillbirths, or infant loss and can definitely relate.  I have also been reading a great book: "Pregnancy after a Loss...A Guide to Pregnancy after a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death" by Carol Cirulli Lanham.  It covers so much that we've been going through and is written by another BLM who wrote it because there wasn't a book like it when she experienced a loss and subsequent pregnancy. There are several accounts from other BLM's and how they dealt with other people, their own feelings, and what to expect.  Another great aspect of this book is it further validates what I'm feeling and I know that it is totally normal how I'm dealing with it all.

So far it has been a tough road and I anticipate it will continue to be until this baby is born healthy and we take him or her home with us.  (And probably even after that)  Fortunately I have a new OB who has so far been very accommodating and supportive to our needs.  I've been in every two weeks since we found out and have had several ultrasounds to confirm baby is on track so far.

I am 14 weeks along today, the start of the 2nd trimester.  We have a partial rainbow in sight.  One third of the way.  Praying we see a full rainbow at the end of this road.  Due date is 2/6/12 but we expect to induce some time at the end of January, before I hit 40 weeks.

Here are a couple of the most recent photos of Sofia & Sam's little sibling.  We're sure they had a hand in picking him/her out for us:

3D Image at 12 weeks 2 days

From Our Rainbow

2D Image at 12 weeks 2 days ~ Profile & baby sticking out tongue

From Our Rainbow

From Our Rainbow

9 Months

I've read this so many times on other BLM's blogs that it almost seems repetitive but I guess we all feel the same when we hit this mark.  Nine months since we said hello & good-bye.  The time that has passed now equals the time Sofia existed.  It seems impossible.  And the sad part is, only Tim & I recognize it today.

We know that she isn't really forgotten but we also know she isn't thought of as often as she might have been (by others) those first few weeks & months.  It's unrealistic to have expectations for others about our dead baby yet it's so hard not to also have feelings of anger as time passes and it seems as though people forget.

It's frustrating to hear insensitive comments or witness insensitive actions especially when made by family.  People don't mean to say the wrong thing and we know this, but at the same time we agree it would feel a whole lot better if people thought about things before they said them.  I have a hard time with this as does Tim, though I'm much more sensitive and vocal about my feelings.  It just sucks that we're in this position and I'm struggling with how to deal with my emotions.

Awhile back someone made the comment something to the effect of, "Don't you figure when you have another baby you'll feel better?".  Clearly people don't get it.  Having another baby will surely fill a void in our lives - the void of raising a child.  Having another baby will NOT "make us feel better".  A child is a child and cannot be replaced!  It's so hard sometimes.

I haven't blogged in quite a while but it isn't because I feel great and cheery and have nothing to blog about.  Actually, it's completely the opposite.  I almost feel like I have so much to blog about I'm overwhelmed so I don't blog at all.  I need to set some time aside for myself but my thoughts seem to come to me at the most inconvenient times.  Sometimes I wish my blog could write itself based on the thoughts in my head...but then again, that might not be a good idea!!

Today I received an email from a BLM I met in April at the child loss conference we attended.  It was very out of the blue and was so nice to hear from her, especially when I hadn't heard from anyone that reminded me of Sofia today.  Which reminds me, I never did post about that conference so that is now on my 'to-do' list for the near future.

Last week I received an email from another BLM I don't know personally but she is also from Omaha and found me/my blog on Faces of Loss.  It was so nice of her to send me a kind email and it reminds me that although sometimes we BLM's feel alone we truly are not.  There is a great support system for us and I'm very grateful for that.

Last year on July 4th I was showing a small belly in my red, white & blue dress and was excited and happy as can be.  I remember having a photo taken in the backyard and then at a family get-together having a photo taken of Tim & I with his cousin Bernie & Jackie who was also pregnant at the time.  I remember thinking how fun it was going to be the next year when the two little ones were crawling around on the 4th.  Instead, Sofia is not here and I was sad.

From Other Photos

This is not what I thought last year when I pictured our life with Sofia.

From Other Photos

I looked through some of Sofia's things tonight, tried to smell her but the small teddy bear with a strong odor overpowered all her things.  I pulled out her lock of hair from the small dragonfly case and was instantly brought back to that day in the hospital when Tim cut it from her small head.  She had so much hair that it wasn't even noticeable that we took some.  It's as close as I'll ever be again to my little girl and it hurts so much.

Nine months has sure passed by quickly but it still stings like it was just moments ago.  We love you Sofia! XXOXXO

Getaway & Memories

We decided to take a trip to get out of town and relax for awhile.  I came home from work one day and said we need to plan a trip so we have something to look forward to.  We planned it in two days and a month later we headed for Jamaica.

It was mostly a getaway for our minds but it was also kind of an anniversary trip for 10 years.  Our honeymoon was in Jamaica so we thought it would be nice to go back there.  We didn't even leave the resort but that's OK.  That was the intention.  We normally are adventurous and do excursions, sight-seeing, shopping, etc.  This time was just to relax. Besides, we've been there, done that.

Relaxing doesn't mean escaping though.  Of course Sofia was on our minds. When we were walking the open air hallway toward our room after checking in we walked by this large painting of a hibiscus flower and knew Sofia was with us.

From Jamaica Trip

The next day on the beach it was very breezy off the ocean and in the distance I heard music coming from the resort.  I couldn't believe my ears.  It was Somewhere Over The Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, the same version played at Sofia's funeral. I feel we were meant to hear it that day

From Jamaica Trip

It was nice just spending time together, not worrying about where to be, what to do next.  Sometimes you have to be forced to have a good time.  Jamaica is the right place for that, and it was easy to do.  One day we played in the sand.  Sounds silly but it was fun writing things in the sand, not caring about people around us.  Tim collected items on the beach for me to spell out Sofia's name.  I spelled out Sam's name too along with fellow BLM Molly's son's name, Hayes. It was nice.

From Jamaica Trip

From Jamaica Trip

While I didn't feel as comfortable in a bathing suit as I did 10 years ago, I didn't care because 10 years ago I hadn't just had a full term baby within 8 months, and I didn't have all the stress that grief can bring. To think that back then I thought stress was planning a wedding. Oh, if I only knew then what I know now...

From Jamaica Trip

So we lounged at the pool, lounged at the beach, went to the Jerk Chicken Hut for our daily lunch on the beach.  We swam in the crystal-clear ocean, kayaked the reef.  We talked about our life, where we've been, where we are, and where we're going.

From Jamaica Trip

On the flight home I was thinking about Sofia again and was happy to look out my window of the airplane to see a little rainbow.  Then I saw a full circular rainbow around the shadow of our plane.

From Jamaica Trip

From Jamaica Trip

Like I said before, it was a getaway but not an escape.  We knew that.  I didn't expect to be 'all better' after a week in the sun.  No, life didn't change magically from taking a short trip.  Reality was right there waiting for us when we got home.

For the first time since probably November, on Sunday I pulled open the drawers in Sofia's room.  A rush of memories & emotions came over me.  All the onesies, socks, bibs, etc. that I had washed & folded in the weeks leading up to her birth still folded in place in the drawers.  I remember imagining our baby in those clothes.  The 'Baby's First Thanksgiving' outfit still sits on top.  Sigh.  I opened the closet door and looked inside for a few minutes.  The original coming home outfits we had bought still hang from the hangars. The 'Baby's First Halloween' outfit hangs there too.  More emotions, more memories.  All the little things we bought along the way, planned to use sit still in her room.  If we bring another baby home some day there are things we will put away because they were bought specifically for her.  It's hard to imagine any other baby besides her.

Last night I had a hard time falling asleep (and staying asleep).  I woke up every few hours.  I just could not sleep.  When it was time to wake up for work I was finally ready for bed. Ugh.  I showered & as I was drying my hair I just started to cry.  I'm missing Sofia in a big way right now.  One of our dogs, Maggie came over to my side to console me.  She wouldn't rest until I stopped crying so I obliged.  She was rewarded for her good deed after work tonight, with a long walk. It was good for me to get out too.

8 Months Today

How is it that 8 - EIGHT months have passed by so quickly?  Almost the same amount of time as I was pregnant with her.  With each passing day I'm further and further away from the day I last held my little girl.  We miss her terribly.

Today I caught myself thinking back on the hospital stay and all the events that took place before, during and after Sofia was born.  I was reliving the pain and fear and all that I went through.  Back then I was in sort of a mind-trance.  Shock.  It was one thing at a time, one minute at a time.  It's not until I reflect back on it that I can really see the magnitude of it all.  Did this all really happen, to us? Sigh...

I found a poem on another BLM's site today.  This courageous mom is a surrogate who has also experienced loss.  This was an older post of a poem she found when she had a miscarriage.

A growing leaf, green in color, has fallen prematurely. It has separated from the tree of life and landed in a pool of water, of many tears. It is a dark moment. A human tear lingers on the freshly fallen leaf... before it turns brown.
Fallen.
Drifting aimlessly
on a sea of grief and pain
the leaf cradles a teardrop.
Offers refuge.
Embodies hope.
Just as winter awakens to spring,
our deepest sorrow harbors the seed of hope renewed.
Hope renewed.

by Susan Ring.

From Slideshow

Love you, Sofia Rose.  XXOOXXOO

10 Years Ago

From Other Photos

On June 2, 2001 I married my best friend.  So many new & fun experiences we've shared in these years that have flown by faster than we ever thought possible.  We've traveled, had job changes, our first apartment to our first house to building our current one.  We've had three pets (Mitty, Moose & Maggie) and dealt with all the normal challenges married couples do.

It seems like we were just walking up the aisle yesterday as husband & wife.  We were so young, but we were ready to start our lives together.  What we've experienced in the past 8 months is not at all how we thought the first decade of our marriage would end up.

We thought we would be raising at least one child by now, and doing all the fun & challenging things that go along with it.  Never in our wildest nightmares did we think we would be making weekly trips to the cemetery to visit with our daughter.  We didn't think we'd be missing out on parenting, something we both looked so forward to.  I never thought after having gone through such a horribly sad loss that only months later we would also lose our second child.

One thing we DID know however was that we would stand by each other, for better or for worse.  There was never any question about that.  While we were in the unfortunate (as if that's really the right word to describe our situation) pool of statistics to lose our child, we did NOT fall victims to the statistics of married couples who divorce or separate after such a loss.

We weren't young & naive kids getting married in our early 20's.  We were meant for each other and have had strong love for each other from the start.  We lean on each other.  When one of us is down, the other is strong.  It's a good balance, and it works for us.

From Other Photos

If I would have written a letter to my future self back on June 2, 2001, I probably would have had all kinds of expectations for myself and for us as a couple.  I probably would have said we'd have a dog, one or two kids, own a house, have good jobs, and travel, but who knows, it's been TEN YEARS! Maybe I wouldn't have thought that at all... As I sit back & reflect on how quickly the time passed us by, I wish I would have written such a letter to the future me, so I could read it now, and see how realistic my thoughts & expectations were back then compared to now.

I recently read on another BLM's (Laura's) blog post about a site where you can do just that - write a letter for the future, specify when you want it sent back to you, and it is delivered whenever you set it to.  I decided I'm going to write one to myself.  As many BLM's understand, I don't think about life in the far, far future like I used to.  Some days it is minute to minute, hour to hour, and so on... It would be silly to write a letter to myself for next week, so I think I'll write one for the future me, one year from now.  Who knows, I may even share it when the next year rolls around.

As for what all I'll put in the letter...well, we'll just have to see in a year...

From Other Photos

Memorial Weekend ~ 2011

I've spent quite a bit of time at the cemetery lately.  We visited on Friday and saw the cross St. Robert's left for Sofia.  It was a nice gift for them to leave us and her.  When we arrived there were decorations starting to appear at graves that are normally bare, but nothing like it would end up being by the end of the holiday weekend.  We were surprised to see how well the roses from the previous weekend held up. One was especially beautiful so I snapped a photo.

Cross from St. Robert Bellarmine

From Memorial Weekend 2011

Rose after being 'in the elements' for a week

From Memorial Weekend 2011

I went in for a haircut Sat. morning and as I was walking in the cloudy skies parted briefly and I saw the sun trying to peek out.  It was one of those cool scenes where the sun rays magically shine down below.  I've always loved seeing that and have often thought it to be mysterious and spiritual.  I couldn't snap a photo of it but immediately thought of my friend Molly.  This was a sign from Hayes, so I let her know he was saying hello. 

We spent part of the day hanging out at home in the backyard, just relaxing before heading out for a family get-together at the cabin.  We haven't finished Sofia's Rose garden completely but the roses have already begun to bloom.  Some of the petals had fallen to the ground so I made an 'S' out of them.  As I was walking back to the house I looked down in the grass and a little 'lady' was right at my feet.  I picked up the ladybug for a few minutes before going inside.

This is the "Purple Heart" rose and it is really fragrant.

From Memorial Weekend 2011

From Memorial Weekend 2011

From Memorial Weekend 2011

On Sunday we returned to the cemetery to bring Sofia a wooden red ladybug and some new flowers.  As we drove in to the cemetery we were overwhelmed by all the flowers, pinwheels & other decorations that were brought to all the graves.  Tim made a half-joking comment about how everyone was 'cheating' meaning that we bring stuff to Sofia every week - her grave is always decorated - and everyone else just does it because it was a holiday.  I kind of felt the same way, but more than anything it was an overwhelming sense of grief to know that many people were being missed. 

From Memorial Weekend 2011

From Memorial Weekend 2011

From Memorial Weekend 2011

From Memorial Weekend 2011

As it always is, it was nice to find some gifts left for Sofia by others.  There were red & white carnations from Tim's mom & dad, a red, white & blue pinwheel from my parents, an angel statue from my Great Aunt Gloria/second cousin Anne, decorative stone and bling that I believe was from my SIL, Sarah (and family). There was another cross (white with pink flowers) and I'm not sure who left it.

From Memorial Weekend 2011

From Memorial Weekend 2011

From Memorial Weekend 2011

From Memorial Weekend 2011

From Memorial Weekend 2011

When we visited on Friday we saw there were a few marked places where new babies would soon be laid to rest.  It's always hard to see that.  On Saturday, sadly, we learned that one of those babies was the niece on my cousin's husband's side.  His sister was 6 1/2 months pregnant and her baby girl died on 5/21/11.  I had her in my thoughts that whole week because I knew she had some complications, but didn't learn what happened until Saturday.  I know she must be hurting right now and I intend on reaching out and introducing her to the rest of the BLM's who have been so supportive for me.  Her baby is only feet away from Sofia.  We left her a red & white carnation.

From Memorial Weekend 2011

From Memorial Weekend 2011

While we were in the baby area of the cemetery I looked behind me up at the sky and I couldn't believe I was seeing another sign from Molly's son, Hayes.  This time I did manage to snap a photo with my phone and send it her way.  If the message gets sent through me to her, he's accomplished communicating to her, so that made me feel good.  I know that he is looking down on Molly and the rest of his family and hears her thoughts everyday.

From Memorial Weekend 2011

There are so many people we remember on Memorial weekend.  Those who fight for our freedom, and those who we've lost and miss so greatly.  We brought flowers to our loved ones and wish they were here but know that they are up in heaven, rocking our baby girl until we hold her again someday.

Here are a few photos of some of the graves we visited and notes to them as well.  This does not include everyone that we miss, there are too many to mention.  Love & thoughts go out to Grandpa Kriegler and everyone else not mentioned below.

Grandpa (Fred J.) Morinelli ~ I was only 8 years old when you left us.  I never really got to know you as well as I would have liked to, but I was young.  I do know you were a great Grandpa.  I remember you sitting in your chair, eating cantaloupe.  I remember being at the Italian festivals every summer.  You won the raffle and I can still see your excitement as you jumped out of your chair!  The prize was a beautiful porcelain doll in a lace white dress.  It sat on your bed for years and now it sits in Sofia's room.  The blue velvety pillow that you always had.  I remembered it so well and recently Grandma gave it to me.  It too sits in Sofia's room, on the recliner where I rocked her before she joined you in heaven.  You two must have lots to talk about. Miss you!

From Memorial Weekend 2011

From Memorial Weekend 2011

From Memorial Weekend 2011

Grandma (Helen) Morinelli ~ I never knew you.  The Grandma Morinelli I know is still living.  Grandma Lucy married Grandpa after you left.  I love her always, and wish I would have also known you.  I have heard stories, seen photos, and recently over Christmas held your wedding dress.  I see you in the faces of your daughters, my Aunts - especially Aunt Dianne.  From what everyone in the family says, you were a very loving and kind person.  I sense that from your daughters, especially Aunt Donna. She has really been there for Tim & I since our loss of Sofia.  I imagine you are holding her too.  I hope you sing to her often.  Not long ago Aunt Christine played an old record of you singing.  I wish I had your beautiful voice.  How special it was to hear you for the first time in my life.

From Memorial Weekend 2011

Great Uncle Frank Morinelli ~ I was young when you left us too.  I wish I'd have known you better, but when you're a kid you tend to do 'kid stuff'.  I remember you being friendly and that you really had a presence about you.  I wish I remembered more but it was so long ago.  I know you are missed.

From Memorial Weekend 2011

Godfather Steve Morinelli ~ You left us so suddenly.  It took me a very long time to grieve from losing you.  I remember so many happy times - too many to mention here.  You gave the best scalp massages on earth!  You played marbles with Andrea & I for hours.  The batteries in your fridge-really?  And nothing else except beer?  Ok, that was while you lived in CO briefly, but we joked about that for years! I remember you asking me once (before I met Tim) if I planned to get married or be single all my life.  I'm thankful you were still with us at our wedding.  And how fitting that you, "The Godfather" dressed in your tux, played out the scene from "The Godfather" the movie at our reception.  Not sure what you had stuck in your cheek but you played the part well!  The best Godfather I could've asked for.  What stands out the most for me about you is the undivided attention you gave every time I spoke.  I don't think I've come across anyone in my life who compares in that area.  I really sensed that you cared what I had to say.  You let me finish without interruption, you asked me questions, and most importantly, you made me feel important.  I miss having you in my life. After your funeral Judi found the note you wrote before your death.  She read the part you wrote to me.  It was obvious you had health concerns years prior because of what you said about hoping I had a good wedding, etc.  Well you lived to see me get married but we lost you approx. 8 months later.  Valentine's day has never been the same after burying you that day.  Until losing our daughter, losing you was the hardest loss I had endured in my life.  I hope & believe that you are up there taking your turn at watching over Sofia Rose for us.  I'm sure you love her name.  (Thinking back at the times you & my Dad went on & on about Sophia Loren)  Introduce Sofia Rose and Sam to your three babies - Vincent, Jennifer and the miscarried baby too.  I miss you and think of you often!

From Memorial Weekend 2011

Vincent Morinelli ~ I never knew you, but I know from stories you were very loved.  Such a tragic death, and you were so young.  I'm sure you were happy to see your Dad again in heaven and I know your Mom misses & loves you very much!

From Memorial Weekend 2011

Jennifer Morinelli ~ I never knew you either, and you never made it home from the hospital.  Your Mom misses and loves you too.  Play with Sofia, I know she'd love it.  Say hello to your Dad for me too.

From Memorial Weekend 2011

George Larson ~ You passed away the same year - only months before - I met your grandson.  I often hear stories of all the things you did with Tim and the rest of your grandkids.  I know Tim felt especially close to you since he lived with you for awhile.  I would have liked to have met you but hearing the stories makes me feel like I have.  I know that you are missed.

From Memorial Weekend 2011

Alice Betterman ~ You left this world so soon that Tim never really got to know you.  He was only a couple years old.  I've seen photos of you and you were very pretty.  I hear you were a good cook/baker too.  I hope that you're helping look after your great-granddaughter, Sofia Rose.  She's just a little girl, and could use some help finding her way around up there.  I wish I could have met you but you live on through stories here on earth.

I went back to the cemetery twice again this week.  It has been very windy and I'm always worried about things blowing over or away from Sofia's spot.  A few things were knocked down so I fixed them up.  I stopped by a few of the nearby graves and felt very sad.  It's an emotional place, especially when nobody else is around and you think of all these babies... Then I walked through the whole baby section and fixed up anything that looked out of place.  It's a strange sense of responsibility I guess.  It's respect for them.  They matter, and someone loves & misses them every day.  I know that it is just the final resting place for Sofia's body, and that her spirit is all around us, but it is a place we can go to be as close to the physical part of her as we can.  It tears us up inside that our baby is buried in the ground, where we are unable to reach her ever again.  It's torture to think about leaving her cold & alone.  But we know that she is in heaven and that all of our loved ones lost are taking good care of her for us.