Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Emotionally Prepared...for nothing!

I wasn't going to post about this but after reflecting on my day decided to after all...

Today at work I was invited to an event called 'Table Talk'.  It's where several people from various departments are invited to a meeting room to have lunch together.  The idea is to meet new people in the building, learn about their job function and just enjoy each other's company.  I had been to one of these years ago.

Last summer I was invited to one but there was a mix-up with my email so I never received the official invitation.  I remember it distinctly because after the Table Talk was over they dropped off my boxed lunch (Jimmy John's) at my desk and I gave it away because it had deli meat.  I think I might have eaten the cookie but there was NO WAY I was going to eat deli meat because of Listeria.  I wasn't going to put my baby in jeopardy for a free sandwich.  Huh.

So I attended the Table Talk lunch today.  I knew a few people in the room but most were new faces.  The conversation was mixed with updates on what people were working on, what each of us does in our departments, any exciting plans for the summer, and any interesting tidbits about ourselves.

The whole time all I could think about was that the only thing I truly consider significant in my life these days is the loss of Sofia & Sam.  Well of course there was no way I was bringing that into the light conversation!

Then as most conversations do, it turned to talk about kids.  I prayed nobody would ask me if we had kids, how old, etc.  Especially when I threw out there we're coming up on our 10 yr wedding anniversary.  Fortunately nobody did ask me, but it was hard and uncomfortable for me listening to everyone talk about how wonderful it is to have kids, the stages of their kids' lives, etc.  I don't mind hearing about other people's kids most of the time, but I sort of felt trapped.  I just kept thinking about how I would get around the topic if asked.

I have friends, family & coworkers who have children so I hear stories all the time.  Mostly it doesn't bother me but I do think about Sofia a lot afterwards.  For me it is hardest in situations like today, when people don't know me or our situation.  I will forever have this struggle.  Even if & when we are blessed to have other children it will be this way because I won't want to deny their existence so I'll struggle with explaining we have two in heaven in addition to any others we might have.

So there was no big drama story to tell about, just the anxiety I put upon myself.  Normalcy will never be here again; not the normal I once knew.  I'm tired of over-thinking things, tired of trying to prepare emotionally to protect myself from falling apart.  I'm just tired.


  1. Lia,
    I can understand this. I am also constantly thinking about TanaLee but always hoping no one asks me about wither or not J & I have kids. Especially now that TTC has been so hard for both of us.
    praying for peace for your heart,

  2. Ugh, as soon as people start talking about their kids, I find myself wanting to join in and say, "I had one too"... but, yeh, we all know where that goes..

    I'm glad it didn't come up and put you in an awkward situation, but my goodness it's hard not to talk about the best/worst thing that's ever happened to you.

  3. I tried a new church on Sunday and was emotionally preparing myself the entire time for THE question. I was asked how long I had been married and the pastor told me all about his wife's pregnancy, but never asked me if I had kids...prepared for nothing indeed! I was so wishing I could jump into the kid conversation, but instead I sat quietly and just listened...just another yucky part toall of this! I'm sorry it left you so drained, I totally relate!

  4. Praying for you!!! I know how it is to have to answer people's questions. Its hard when I have to say I have three kids. Two on earth and one in Heaven. The best thing about it is know that my sweet Angel has the best babysitter ever,Jesus!!! God's strength is what helps me through each day and I know that He helps you too:)

  5. Thanks friends/fellow BLM's. I know you understand and I appreciate your kind words. Just yesterday we were at a get-together and met someone new who I overheard ask Tim if we had kids. He just said "No". It hurts to hear that but at the same time it was likely easier for him. He's not denying his kids, just didn't want to get into it all. It feels like a lose-lose, no matter which route we take.