Flea Market

I was walking along a dirt and grassy path, hand on my belly and from a distance my eye spotted it - the 'perfect' white shelving.  It was a bit worn and aged, but I knew with a bit of TLC (and help from Dad) this would make for a perfect shelf system for baby's room.  I had previously searched online for different book shelves and they wanted an arm & a leg for them (which seemed ridiculous to me) so I was trying to find a happy medium.  I found it with these shelves.  We negotiated a good price and it was ours!  I love flea market finds!

That was exactly one year ago.

Wow, really?  Has time passed by that quickly!? Sigh... One year ago today I was happily planning a nursery and full of anticipation for our baby on the way.  Now our nursery is complete but not; it isn't totally complete because she isn't here.  I had taken photos of her room when we had all the decorating done.  These are the white shelves (the ones that sit on the floor).  My Dad cleaned them up and gave them a new coat of paint.  He even made shelves that matched the style to place on the wall above.  For the most part, the shelves look the same today.  Untouched.  But there is a slight difference.  On the center top shelf you see a green grasshopper, bumblebee and a ladybug.  I bought these in Estes Park, CO while visiting last summer.  Sofia was with me when I bought them.  I remember thinking how cute they were and if you press a button they make noise.  Today that shelf is missing the ladybug.  It's missing because it's the one toy we buried Sofia with.  So naturally I think of her when I see ladybugs.

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It's an annual tradition of sorts, going to the flea market with my parents.  It's fun to walk around (especially when weather is good) and see what unique items we can find for a good price.  When we were walking in the area we were at last year when I spotted the shelves, I mentioned to my Mom how I couldn't believe a year had passed since then.  She said she had thought of that too.  I think it's hard for all of us to believe.

It was tough seeing a few pregnant women walk around.  It almost felt unfair.  That was ME last year.  Full of hope, full of anticipation.  Now I'm back to square one, two kids in heaven and living with empty arms.  Seeing strollers pushed around, fathers holding their 6-month old(ish) children in one arm, made me think of how Sofia should be here.  I'd have her in a sling or something so she'd be close to me and get to see all the flea market had to offer.  She'd be included in this tradition of treasure-hunting.

Well, she wasn't with me in a physical sense, but I definitely felt her presence.  There were so many 'signs' that I couldn't help but think she was with me.  As I pointed things out to my Mom - including some pretty white coasters with the letter 'S' - she said, "She's following you around!".  It made me feel good, almost a sense of relief.  It made me want to see more.

I was on the lookout for barn doors and found some at one booth.  I was debating on which of the three there I should get, or if I should get more than one, etc.  It was kind of hard to get to them because there was this shelf sitting in front.  I wanted to get a good look at the barn door in the front and make my decision.  Eye-balling the door even with the shelf in the way I had a hunch I'd be buying it.  I loved all the character, contrast & colors.  So I went to move the shelf and on the top was a painted gold rose.  Yes, of course I thought of Sofia Rose.  I always do when I see roses.  I thought to myself, huh, she's here, and she must like this one too. ;)

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Barn door; we picked it up later on and my Dad carried it to the car.  Such a cool find!

From Other Photos Partial view of the flea market grounds:

From Other Photos

As we walked around I saw a few more items that made me think of Sofia.  There were ladybug yard decorations and pinwheels I thought would look nice at her grave.  At one point my Mom went to the car, my Dad went to the restroom and I was there by myself.  I had already bought all the items I intended on buying so I was just killing time browsing some more.  I started thinking strongly about Sofia again.  Then I looked down and saw this box that had gold rose earrings and a pendant with a rose & two hearts.

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Again, it felt nice.  Then I walked over towards the dirt road, just waiting for my Dad.  I looked down, right in front of me and this painting was leaned up on the ground.  Wow- for anyone who has been around us since the hospital (or has read THIS blog post), you know the significance of the hibiscus.  How could this NOT be her?  I felt her around me even more.

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My Dad eventually made his way back over and we talked for a minute.  He was standing between me and a table that was set up with items for sale.  He said he wanted to go check out something quick and all the while I was still thinking of the hibiscus flower and the gold roses.  As he moved away from where he was standing, I was blown away by what I saw before me.  The first thing my eyes saw when he left my line of vision was a small weathered pillow with stitching.  I think a picture truly does speak a thousand words.  I had goosebumps and still do every time I look at this photo.

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When I met back up with my Dad I told him of the roses, the hibiscus and the pillow I just saw.  I started to get choked up and emotional.  A combination of feelings.  Sad she wasn't here physically, but happy she was in spirit.

My Dad had his eye on this mirror and I snapped a quick picture with my phone when I saw our reflection.  I look pretty rough; rolled out of bed, threw the hair up and went at 7:30 am.

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I've always thought there were good finds at the flea market if you looked hard enough, and sometimes they find you.