Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Friends at Work, Visit to Sofia & Baby Room Purchase

I have to say I feel extremely lucky to work with such caring people.  In the first weeks after Sofia died we received tons of cards & letters in the mail and many of them were from people I work with.  Some who barely even knew me.  That's not something you find every day.

Today when I arrived to work I saw an envelope on my desk.  It was a card with a gift inside - a ladybug that sits on the side of a planter.  How many people can say they work for someone who cares that much?  I wish there were more compassionate people out there for all the BLM's who don't have this kind of support.  We spend much of our lives at work so to me it means a lot to even have my grief acknowledged.  Thanks Sheila for your kindness.  And no, the card wasn't too cheesy. :)

From Other Photos

A coworker of mine returned back to work this week from maternity leave.  I took her baby's newborn photos a few months ago.  She and another coworker had a nice card & gift for me.  I thought that was so nice of them to think of me, and to care how I might be feeling around Mother's Day.  I happen to be one of those people who actually reads what cards say (not just the signature) and I loved the quote on this one.  If you can't see in the photo, it reads, "God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us- in the dreariest and most dreaded moments- can see a possibility of hope." ~Maya Angelou

From Other Photos

I'm starting to get quite the collection of Willow Tree figurines, and each one has special meaning to me.  This one is the Angel of Hope.  Thanks Nikki & Amy - I really appreciate it!

From Other Photos

I almost forgot to post this...well I did forget, but came back & updated my post.  When I was pregnant with Sofia my belly grew pretty large.  We have a nice woman as part of the cleaning crew at work and since I frequented the restroom quite often while pregnant, I saw her almost daily.  She doesn't speak much English but we always make small talk & say hello.  She's super sweet.  When I was pretty far along she asked me about the baby (is it my first, is it a girl or boy, etc.).  In the time I've been back to work (full time starting in January) I don't run into her nearly as often.  When I do, normally we just smile or say hello.  Most days except for today.  I was at the sink washing my hands when she walked in to start cleaning the bathroom.  We said hello & smiled then just before I walked out she asked me the question I always fear answering: "How is the baby?"  Gulp.  Breath.  (Thank GOD I got my crying out last week!!!) I think I was more nervous how to tell her without making her feel bad for asking to begin with, and with the language barrier wondered if she'd understand the story.  I kept it simple and told her my baby passed away.  I said I was 40 weeks along and went to the Dr. and there was no heartbeat.  I could see the shock in her face.  She felt horrible for asking.  It was funny - I was more concerned about how she was feeling at that point that I didn't get all emotional.  (Had she asked last Friday, I might have been telling a different story right now.) She said sorry a few times and I told her it was OK, she had no way of knowing.  I told her it was very difficult and she seemed to understand.  She asked again if this was my first to which I answered, "yes".  She didn't know what else to say, I could tell she was struggling to come up with words.  Not because of any language barrier, but the grief barrier.  What to say in a situation like that?  She said in a very caring voice, "you have a good day."  I said, "thanks, you too." I smiled & walked away.  I'm glad I didn't lose it and I'm glad she knows the story now.  I felt like shouting it from mountaintops back in October so that every person I knew or that knew me while I was pregnant would know what occurred.  To me it feels good letting people know.

Tonight when I walked out to my car I thought to myself (like I've done on many occasions) - is this real?  Then I replay it all in my mind, as if I need to prove to myself that this story is actually ours. Tim & I visited Sofia at the cemetery.  We talked about how unbelievable it all is.  Even 6+ months later it's still hard to believe it and it happened to us.

My mom visited Sofia a few days ago and dropped off this pretty white ceramic rose.  It's always nice to see something new when we go to visit her.

From Other Photos

When you're pregnant - especially past the half-way mark - you start buying things for baby-to-be.  I was not exempt from this.  After we decorated the nursery in the bug theme I was almost OCD about buying stuff if it was in any way bug-related (and cute enough for a baby's room).  Instead of looking for cute shoes or jewelry I had a different focus - all I cared about was what I could give to this baby.  If I had ratty old shoes so my baby could have everything, so be it!  Not that I couldn't buy shoes or anything, I just didn't care.  When your baby dies and your world - a world of baby mania - comes to a screeching halt, it's near impossible to stop those habits.  This past weekend I went in to Bath & Body Works for some new hand soap and immediately two things caught my eye.  One bee & one ladybug.  They are rubber/silicone soap/lotion pump toppers.  So what did I do?  Yep, I bought them - both!  I didn't buy them for the kitchen or the bathroom.  I bought them for the sole purpose of putting them on the baby lotion in the nursery.  And they fit!  I figure some day some little baby will get to see them.  Continuing to buy things also helps me mentally - it's a sign of hope for the future.

From Other Photos

I decided to give my blog a slight makeover. It's still a work-in-progress. Mostly I wanted to update the header so it was more personal to us & Sofia. The flowers & bugs are what I painted on the nursery walls. It's more cheery now. Not sure if I'll keep the font in the blog body text or not - BLM's/readers, let me know if it's too hard to read! I still have some work to do on it, as time allows.


  1. I love so much of this I can barely handle it. I love the ceramic rose your mom bought for Sofia. I love that you have great co-workers. I love that you are optimistic and buying stuff for the nursery (even if it's just small stuff). I keep buying baby clothes, exactly why I have no idea... But I keep figuring EVENTUALLY I will need it for consecutive babies, so.. Yeh.

    I love the new banner too. Super cute. :)

  2. I absolutely LOVE the new look of the blog! I think it is SO sweet! I haven't had a chance to read all the way through the last couple of posts yet, I've just looked at the pictures.... and I also wanted to say that it is absolutely remarkable how much Sofia looks like you in the post below of you as a baby!

    I hope you had an okay mother's day (I haven't read the post yet), I thought about you several times that day, especially when we went to the cemetary!

  3. I love the bug lotion pumps! Super cute.

    I can also relate to the feelings of "is this real" Is this "MY" road I am supposed to walk? Are we sure I am supposed to be here, because it feels so very, very wrong.


  4. I LOVE it ALL. I think it is all readable. I'm thinking of changing my font too...but anyways...I love your makeover.


  5. Thanks everyone. :)

    Laura Jane- we do what we have to do to survive; if buying baby clothes is what it takes, then so be it! They WILL get used some day. ;)

    Betsy- I thought of you often too. I love how you used pink butterflies; same ones Sofia has. So sweet.

    fireworksandrainbows- Surreal is the right word. It's been surreal since the moment we found out she was no longer with us.

    TanaLee- Thanks!!