Mothers Day 2011

Thirty-two (almost 33) years ago I was born into this world and into the arms of the best mom I know.  I was about 8 months old for my mom's first Mother's Day.  Although I didn't have as much hair as Sofia I love that this photo shows the front of my hair gathered to a point like my baby girl's.  I'm not quite sure why they wrapped me in blue, but I think back then they just used whatever was there - unlike today where girl stuff is PINK-PINK-PINK!

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Thirty-two years later my daughter entered this world too, but she was gone before we could even celebrate.

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I remember last year being pregnant with Sofia, at the time not knowing if we had a girl or boy, and thinking how fun the next Mother's Day would be.  Little did I know that was to be the last Mother's Day I had with my baby while she was still living.

I wasn't sure how I would feel today knowing it was yet another holiday that might further emphasize my loss.  Surprisingly I did quite well.  I only cried a little because I was touched by the gift from Tim and the gift from my sister-in-law, Sarah.  I really expected I'd be a full-on mess.

The dogs greeted me this morning by jumping up in bed (which they normally don't do).  They sat on me, jumped on the pillows and whined as if to say, "get up already, we have something for you!!".  I asked them if that was my Mother's Day gift- a bunch of doggie kisses and being harassed in my own bed.  So I got up.

There were two envelopes and a small gift on the kitchen counter.  One card was from Mitty, Moose & Maggie (Dog card) and the other was pretty with a butterfly and was signed from Sofia & Sam.  The small gift was a charm for my Pandora bracelet.  It was the birthstone of Sam (April).  I thought it was perfect - it is perfect.  Now I feel like both are acknowledged.  My birthstone (peridot) and Tim's (garnet) surround a baby carriage, Sofia's birthstone (pink tourmaline), a rose, and Sam's birthstone (quartz). I like that it kind of tells our story & there's meaning behind the beads.

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It made me feel good that Tim put thought into this day for me, because I really wasn't sure if he would since our baby isn't with us.  I'm very lucky to have him.

My sister-in-law, Sarah dropped off a very meaningful gift as well.  It's meant for Sofia's Rose garden.  I've seen this quote before and love it.  Like I told Sarah, if love was all it would take I would save millions... We just need to decide where to put it in the garden.  I love that it has her name engraved.

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My parents are giving us two benches to enclose Sofia's garden (one for Mother's Day, one for Father's Day).  My dad is building them into the simple design we want.  We visited them today and saw the almost finished product and can't wait to get them in our yard-very solid and they look great.  I plan to use his tools to engrave on the sides of the benches and look forward to spending some time out there doing so.

My sister gave me these flowers today which is perfect because I hadn't received any all day!

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Last night we went to dinner with good friends and I spotted this little rainbow on the floor behind Tim.  I know I might seem a bit obsessed with these 'signs' lately but it's all I have to latch on to so I do.  If anything it makes me think of her in a positive way, it makes me smile, distracts me from my misery, and gets me taking photos which usually puts me in a good mood!

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Saturday morning I decided to get some fresh air out in the early morning sunshine with the birds chirping and do some yard work out front.  We planted a nice big rose bush by the front porch last year and I needed to trim it up a bit.  I was about to cut the last dead part away and changed my mind.  All because a little lady came to visit.  

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Then I saw this little guy hanging on to the front window screen.  He seemed to be taking in the warm sunshine too.

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I spent a good hour in the backyard too, just relaxing with the dogs, grooming them, playing in the grass.  I walked over to Sofia's Rose garden and noticed the first lady bug on one of the newly planted roses. (And while I love seeing them I'm hoping they don't go crazy taking the roses for a meal!!)

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Overall this weekend wasn't as emotional as I thought it would be.  I think I prepared myself for the worst, hoped for the best.  I ended up somewhere in between.  I think I might have gotten it all out during the week because I probably cried for at least an hour every night before bed.  It's so hard missing her.  I think because I wasn't forgotten or ignored it helped me feel like the mom I know I am.  I imagine for some it must be brutal.  I'm thankful to have many friends & family who care and some who reach out to me specifically to let me know they are thinking of me.  I'm glad I don't have a feeling like I need to prove to people that I'm a mom too.  I think that's part of what has made today easier on me.  Of course it's beyond tough not having my child with me on a day to celebrate mothering one's children, but since I was able to celebrate too, I didn't feel so isolated and alone. I'm very grateful for that.

I'm glad I have a goofy/caring/intelligent/compassionate/loving husband, and crazy animals that keep me occupied.  I used an old magazine to paint my nails on this morning and after I was done I found Moose all cozied up.  He loves him some Glamour. ;)  Such a goofy dog.  I'm glad he gives me laughs that I need, especially now.

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This year (until typing right now anyway) I haven't put much thought into what next year will be like for Mother's Day.  Like many other BLM's (baby loss moms), I'm just getting by day by day, week by week until at some point, one year from now, it will be here again.  

Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Sofia & Sam-

I love you & miss you very much.

XXOOXXOO

Love,

Your Mommy