So long, 2010...

So this is the last day of 2010. I decided to change the song playing on the blog to Auld Lang Syne, at least for now. I can't say that this was the worst year of my life because some really great things happened this year. There was definitely a worst DAY of my life during this year, but I can't write off all the days because there were some really wonderful ones too.

We had the joy of seeing "Pregnant" appear on a home pregnancy test and got to share the good news with family & friends. I got to feel life moving & growing inside me - something that is miraculous and out of this world. We got to see our baby on an ultrasound at 8 weeks and saw her heart beating away. We heard her heart beat at 12 weeks - such a great sound. We got to video-record our baby at 19 weeks during the ultrasound. We had months of anticipation and happiness throughout my pregnancy. If anything was ever getting us down (which didn't occur often), we would think about the amazing thing happening to us - we were becoming parents. We got to come up with our own baby names and decorate a nursery. I went to Colorado for a short trip with my parents and our baby got to go along for the ride. We got to participate in the "prepared childbirth" classes and had a tour of the hospital. Several baby showers were held for us and we were able to fully stock baby's room. We enjoyed the summer at the pool and did some landscaping in the front yard. Mostly, our lives revolved around our baby-to-be.

So, MOST of 2010 was the BEST year of our lives. It wasn't until the last quarter that it was tarnished. Tarnished in the worst way imaginable. It is quite a shock to the human psyche go from an extreme high and excitement to complete dread and despair. It's something we're still trying to grasp.

I've often heard people say, "God only gives you what he knows you can handle". I'm not quite sure what I think of that. I guess it's true, because we're still getting through our grief and not giving up. But part of me thinks that's crazy...why would God give this to us in the first place? What is the reason for having us suffer so much?

The truth is, no matter what anyone believes in, none of us really knows for sure what is on the other side until we get there. Only then can we ask the questions we're dying to know the answers to. But if our loved ones are there, maybe we won't care then, because we'll be so happy to see them once again.

We've made the choice to wake up every day and get out of bed so that we can have a future. It will take a long time but eventually we'll be excited about things again and have fun things to look forward to. We will always have our baby Sofia on our minds. I've met people who lost their babies a decade ago and the wounds are still fresh, so I don't believe it will go away. I don't want it to. We want to think of her forever. We just hope that everyone else remembers her forever too.

As sad as this year has ended for us, we will never forget all of the continued support, love and kindness we've experienced in the face of our loss. We were very unfortunate to have experienced the loss of a child but words cannot express how grateful and fortunate we are for everything people have done for us. From the face-to-face contact & visits from family & friends, the online support (Facebook, BBC, etc), all of the donations to the church in honor of Sofia, the beautiful flowers & plants delivered for her funeral, the donations for Sofia's Rose garden and Sofia's tree, the prayer shawls and many other beautiful gifts, we THANK YOU.

While we know that things will never replace or make up for not having our baby with us, these help serve as reminders and remembrance items of her, so we will never forget. Here are some of the gifts we have received:

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This is a memory box from my sister.  The top displays a few items and opens up.

From Gifts

We have most of her things in here. The bunny is going into a shadow box with her flowers and a few other items.  Everything else is going in here.  Just a few more things to add in.  The bear is from the hospital and he's 'holding' the container for her birth certificate.  We don't have that yet but will put that inside some day soon.

From Gifts

From Gifts

To Sofia,

If you're hovering with your angel wings above my shoulders as I type this, or if our loved ones in heaven are somehow reading this as I type or from my mind as they rock you to sleep, please know this was not the worst year for us. You were the most wonderful thing to ever happen to us. We love you and miss you very VERY much. If you were alive you would be staying up late while we ring in the new year and we'd likely dress you up in some cute little outfit and take a million photos. The dogs would probably sniff you a lot, Moose might try to steal a sock off your little tootsie, and Maggie would stand guard to alert us if that were the case. Mitty would meow incessantly until we fed him and you'd learn to know that annoying meow. We'd have a fire in the fireplace and we'd all be cozied up together on the couch. Daddy & I might even try to play a few games if you allowed us to. As we ring in the new year your daddy & I would say how amazing you are and how we can't imagine a happier New Year.  XXXXOOOOOXXXXXOOOOOXXXXOOOOOXXXXXOOOO
We Love you!

P.S. The priest says babies born right into heaven instantly become saints. So we have a daughter who is beautiful, an angel and a saint. Please watch over us in 2011, show us signs often, and give us strength to carry on without you.
Happy New Year!
Love,
Mommy & Daddy~

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From Other Photos

Cleaning Day

I have this week off from work so I decided to do some much needed cleaning. I didn't get as much done as I had planned but it was a start. My bedroom dresser has been like the black hole - collecting more & more stuff in the past few months. I'm a pretty anal person when it comes to cleaning & clutter but part of me just ignored it. I'm finally at the point where I can't stand it anymore so I decided to sort through some stuff today. Under some travel magazines I found a couple pregnancy & parenting magazines from this summer. It brought me back to the lazy days in the pool when I read about what was (supposed to be) my future. It made me sad & I wished so badly that I could be back on that raft, pregnant & happy. In one of my drawers I found the balloons I had kept from the day I told Tim we were expecting. Then I found a receipt from Estes Park, CO from this summer from a shop where I bought nothing but baby items. Each line item on the receipt said "Baby". "Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby". It brought me right back to that cute little shop where I bought her some toys. Then I was cleaning behind Tim's dresser and found a receipt that had fallen behind. It was from Urban Wine Co. downtown. We had been there at the end of January celebrating a friend's birthday. I didn't know it at the time but little Sofia was already beginning to grow.

I decided to keep the receipts that brought back memories. Even though it made me sad they are what little we have to hold on to. The two pregnancy/parenting magazines I decided to keep too. I figure they might be worth reading again some day. It had been weeks since I went into Sofia's room. We keep the door closed to keep the pets out. I opened her closet door and placed the magazines on the stack of other pregnancy books. I just looked around and burst into tears. The little outfit we bought from Baby Gap still hangs in the closet. We didn't know we were having a girl so we bought a boy & girl outfit. She'd have looked so cute in it. I picked up the bag from the mortuary. It had her ivory dress from the hospital and pink blanket she rested on. I picked it up and held it close. There are stains from her cord/belly button and from her face. Maggie, our yellow lab, came running up to me and placed her right paw on my arm then licked my face. She kept her paw there until I got myself off the floor. I still can't believe this is real. I want my baby.

I texted Tim to let him know I was feeling sad. He texted me back: "Sorry you feel sad. We both want her back bad. Not a moment goes by that I don't want to hold her."

I'm very grateful to have such a loving and understanding husband who isn't afraid to grieve right along with me. While I bring her up in conversation more often than he does, it doesn't mean he isn't thinking of her nonstop. Last night I told him how much I love him and how lucky I am to have him for a husband. I thanked him for allowing me to grieve and for not ever lashing out at me while I'm OK one day and then terribly sad the next. He responded by saying I shouldn't ever get in trouble for being sad - I should be sad. It's hard enough dealing with the loss and all the post partum hormones/emotions. I can't imagine having a husband who wasn't on the same page. I know many people struggle with this and I feel for them. We've always been a team in good times & bad. I'm glad our "team" has grown stronger and isn't falling apart.

We can only pray it gets better from here.

Glad Christmas holiday is over!

It's been such an emotionally draining weekend. I just want to go somewhere far away and take my mind off of things but I'll never be able to escape the reality of what has happened.

Christmas was supposed to be so much fun this year. A new baby, her own stockings at home & at grandpa & grandmas house. Aside from the obvious firsts that every parent looks forward to this holiday was on our minds during my pregnancy & was something we really were excited about. While we know Christmas isn't about presents, etc., Christmas is a holiday centered around children. This was the most painful holiday we've ever had.

Christmas Eve was especially sad. Seeing all the other kids (nieces, nephew, cousins) open gifts and all the excitement just compounded our sadness - a reminder of what we DON'T have. It's such a hard place to be. We want to be around the kids because we love them and enjoy the time being Auntie & Uncle. But it would be easier if we weren't reminded of what we'll never have with Sofia. I wore one of the prayer shawls I received after Sofia died; the pink & white one and attached the "baby's first Christmas in heaven..." ornament that was given to me to my shawl using an "S" pin from my mom.

We gave some Sofia-related gifts to family this Christmas. I filled clear ornaments with a photo of Sofia and pink freeze-dried roses from her casket and decorated them. I ordered some Forget-Me-Not flower seeds that come in a butterfly shape that you plant & found a Forget-Me-Not poem to go with it. Our siblings got these tiny glass ladybugs (for good luck). They reminded me of Sofia. Little & cute and goes with her bug-themed room. I made special bookmarks for my mom & mother-in-law that had her foot print on one side & a lock of her hair on the other.

I cried with my sisters-in-law. Sarah hugged me and told me "she's here". I hate that she's not physically here!

We went to Granny's house later on and opened more gifts. I received a very cool & unique ring from my aunt Nancy & cousins Shawn & Jody. It's silver with a flower wrapped around it and Sofia's pink birthstone. Her initials "SRL" are engraved inside the band. Of course, I cried.

My uncle had some Yorkie puppies (only 2 weeks old) and he couldn't leave them at the house (out of town) so he brought them over to Granny's. They were super cute. I held one that had a white patch of fur on his chest. He was so sweet and stretched his tiny paws.

From Christmas 2010

After the games of Pictionary were done we watched as my second cousins (ages 3 & 4-almost 5) doodled on the wipe board. It was late and they were in their jammies. Both are characters in their own way. Very entertaining. The more I watched Lacy the more I started to think of Sofia. I realized we'll never get to see her in her jammies with the plastic feet. She'll never get to show us her true personality and draw on a wipe board. I wondered if she would have been artistic or not.

On the way home we both cried. The whole way. We just want her back. The sadness doesn't go away, it just comes & goes and is magnified on occasions where we had those hopes & dreams all mapped out in our heads. While other parents around the world are putting their kids to bed we instead have to think of our baby eternally resting. We never get to wake her up. She never gets to come down the steps on Christmas morning to see what Santa left her. We never get to be the annoying parents that video-record and photograph every moment of her life. We hope that parents who are lucky to have their children with them remember how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. Every moment they have should be enjoyed - even the bad times - because it means they are alive. I've met so many people who'd gladly deal with poopy diapers, screaming kids, and teenage attitudes if it meant having their baby back.

Christmas morning came and I had a hard time getting myself out of bed. I just wanted to stay under the covers and maybe it wouldn't actually be Christmas. I came downstairs & we rang the bell for Sofia. We each took turns. A few angels got their wings that morning. We drove over to my parents for breakfast & presents. It was a very Sofia Christmas gift-wise. She has her own stocking and she had a few gifts. I managed to get through it all without crying. I just wanted to have something feel like the old normal again!

We visited Sofia after that. My dad, her grandpa, always decorates oranges with cloves for the holidays. This year he made one with an "S" on it. He asked if we wanted to keep it and we decided to take it to Sofia. It would add some color to the cold winter ground.

From Christmas 2010

From Christmas 2010

From Christmas 2010

While we were visiting her grave Tim noticed a lone bird flying above. It was just circling until we left. It was probably looking for a meal but we've noticed a lot of signs around birds - especially Tim since she's died. (I saw more before and didn't realize until after). We like to think it was her way of saying hello to us.

From Christmas 2010

We also left Sofia a wrapped gift with nothing but love inside and a poem on top.

From Christmas 2010

We cried some more just thinking about her then drove away.

It's like this song was written for Sofia

I've had the song Silent Night playing all December. Today I changed it to the song "If I Die Young". I changed it because I don't feel like it's Christmas and all I can think of is Sofia. This is for her.

Shortly after Sofia died I heard this song for the first time. I was blown away by all the similarities in this song compared to Sofia's death. It's a beautiful song and this band does it well but I cry every time. Below are the lyrics...but first, here are some of those similarities:

Sofia's casket was lined with satin and draped over her as they sealed it for the last time. A single white rose rests beside her, placed there by my dad, her grandpa. Roses are always present at her grave. Rainbows are a big reminder of Sofia. From the rainbow we saw the day before she left us to the "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" song played at her service, and the rainbow baby we hope to have one day. Life after 10-10-10 is definitely not what we thought it was going to be. The pain inside feels like a sharp knife and her life was certainly cut short but maybe she had just enough time to know how loved she was and maybe her purpose was to bring people together and she had a higher calling. She is wearing a ring on her little cold finger; the rose ring that I gave her the day we said good-bye. That boy that said he'd love her forever is Tim. She'll always be Daddy's little girl.


If I Die Young by The Band Perry

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I’ve never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There’s a boy here in town says he’ll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
oh oh

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need 'em oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls

New Christmas Decorations for Sofia

Today we paid a visit to Sofia's grave. When we arrived to the cemetery there was a funeral interment going on right by one of the entrances. The casket had a large flag draped over it and there was a 21 gun salute. I commented to Tim that those seem to be more emotional than others.

Then as we drove down the road I started looking around at all of the wreaths. To say I was overwhelmed was an understatement. I asked Tim if he thought those were put out by the cemetery or if it was family members of the deceased who brought them. Then as I looked around more I realized it was the latter. I could hardly speak and began to cry. It all kind of hit me - each wreath represented a family mourning a loss just like us. I imagined each wreath as a symbol of the person resting beneath the surface. Imagining that many people buried and all the sorrow that must have been at the cemetery at different periods of time just took over my emotions. Normally when we visit the cemetery we see some flowers here & there and a couple weeks ago we saw a few wreaths attached to stands - some I had picked up and fixed so their loved ones wouldn't get upset to find them on the ground. Since the cemetery doesn't have above ground headstones, it just looks like large fields of grass (until you get up close and look down). Today was amazing - it was almost like these graves appeared out of nowhere.

We drove down to Sofia's grave (Sofia's hilltop as Sarah calls it) and picked up some old flowers and pumpkins that weren't looking very pretty anymore. We had a new red wreath and a Mickey Mouse snow globe for Sofia. I picked the Mickey Mouse one instead of the snowman or santa because I thought she is a little one and had she lived we'd be buying her child-like toys, so she should know who Mickey Mouse is. Tim secured the wreath to the ground, we fixed the flowers that were a bit disheveled, thought about our little girl and cried. I cried until we were halfway home. Sofia is supposed to be here, this week is so hard. I'll put on my happy face for the family get-togethers but on the inside I feel like part of me is dying.

From Somewhere Over The Rainbow

From Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Oh Christmas Tree

Normally this is my favorite time of year. We usually have Christmas music playing, old movies like "White Christmas" playing on TV and I make Tim drag up about five bins from storage of all the decorations & the tree. Usually by now we've made several dozen cookies and have lots of presents wrapped.

This year is so different. We have some gifts wrapped, Tim did make one batch of cookies a week ago (they're gone now), and we saw part of "White Christmas" but one decoration that is missing is the Christmas tree. We decided not to bother putting it up this year. I'm usually the one who does the decorating and I couldn't bear the thought of hanging up all the ornaments when it's normally such a fun experience, knowing that I would just be crying the whole time. We had all these plans for our baby's first Christmas with us. Christmas brings out the kid at heart in most of us and we were so excited to finally have a baby to share it with and start our own family traditions.

Instead, we have one little silver tree with lights. It's only about 2 ft tall and it's Sofia's tree. I tried plugging in the pre-lit tree in several outlets and it just would not light up. I was so frustrated. I told Tim that Sofia deserved a tree that would light up. He said of course she does, she deserves everything. So I plugged it in again, sat on the floor and just stared at it. Low & behold - about 30 seconds later the lights just came on. I wasn't even touching the tree! I looked over at Tim & he gave me that "doo-doo-doo-doo" look. He thought maybe Sofia was playing games with us. So I unplugged the tree and took it over to the table where I intended on having it sit. I plugged it back in and no-go. It would not light up! So I repeated my previous steps and got it to light up again. She must have liked it on the floor in the family room but I told her it couldn't be there because of the dogs. So I unplugged it, picked it up, again walked over to the table and before plugging it in I said aloud, "Sofia, behave please, we want the tree lights on". I plugged it in and voila! Lights!

This year we will only have Sofia's tree up. There are a few ornaments (gifts we've received) and one that we bought and had engraved for her first Christmas. Next to it we have the rose from the hospital, the beautiful musical snow globe from family, a framed photo of her and a large bell ornament that I received from another baby loss mom.

From Christmas 2010

One of the support groups I joined online is Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. This year they started a gift exchange where they pair each baby loss mom up with another mom and you give something special to them in memory of their baby. Ironically I was paired up with another mom who lives in Omaha, just down the street from our previous house. She sent me a nice card & wrote the quote "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings" from the movie "It's a wonderful life". The gift is a large heavy white glittery bell with pink roses on top. We decided to have it out every year by her tree. I suggested to Tim that on Christmas morning before we open any gifts or go anywhere we could ring the bell in remembrance of Sofia and that when we have other children it could be our own little tradition to have them ring the bell. It will be in remembrance of her and will make us feel good that we might just be giving an angel some wings. Tim of course agreed this would be a nice idea and we cried. How badly we would love to have her here with us.

From Christmas 2010

Something that reminded Betsy of her baby girl, Olivia (Livie as they call her) is dragonflies. I found that interesting considering Sofia's bedroom has a few dragonflies painted on the walls and on the mobile that hangs over the changing table. There is a great dragonfly story that is an analogy to death & heaven and I painted with watercolor the scene that is described in the story. I also found a pretty little enamel container with a dragonfly on top and put an angel pin inside with her daughter's November birthstone. I loved the container when I saw it because it also made me think of Sofia. I bought one for us too so we could keep her lock of hair inside it. I'd like to think Sofia & Olivia are up there flying around together happily as friends, watching over us all.

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

All over town

So today I ran all over town doing last minute Christmas shopping with my mom. We started the day at Panera Bread for breakfast and talked about Sofia. We went to Things Remembered to get Sofia's "special" ornament - Baby's First Christmas and had it engraved with her name. Tim & I have a plan for Sofia (and all future children) as a Christmas tradition. This was something we had talked about before I even got pregnant. We will buy a special ornament each year for our kids to open and by the time they are old enough to move out they will have a bunch of their own ornaments to take with them and memories of each Christmas to look back on. Just because Sofia isn't here physically doesn't mean she's not getting in on the tradition! Now that she won't be here to celebrate the holiday we've decided we'll still get one for her each year and when we have other kids they will get to open hers and put on Sofia's own special tree. This way, each year we can see how many ornaments are on her tree to remind us of how many years it will have been since she left us. It's a way to keep her spirit alive and for us to be able to include her every year.

Here's her first special ornament:

From Christmas 2010

From Christmas 2010

From Christmas 2010

Another stop today was to purchase some wine for Christmas. I was on a hunt for a specific wine: Sofia Rose. I picked up a bottle of the Sofia Rose as well as Sofia Blanc de Blancs and Sofia Riesling. We normally drink Merlot or Pinot Grigio but I really wanted these bottles & corks for a "project" I'm planning to do with them. These wines are by Francis Coppola and we knew that Sofia Coppola was who the wines were named for. Sofia Coppola is where the spelling of our Sofia Rose came from. We loved the Italian form and it suited her since she is part Italian. Plus it's uncommon. I've always liked that about my own name. Anyway, I think it is pretty cool that they make a Rose wine (pronounced "rose-ay"). The funny thing about having a unique name spelling is that it's usually so hard to find ANYTHING with your name spelled correctly. (I know from years of experience!) But Sofia is lucky - we found this!

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

From Other Photos

We made several other stops throughout the day and the last one was Walmart. Mom went to get some groceries and I went to find a few other items. I was near the picture frames and there was one of those machines that plays random music selections from the CD's for sale. Wouldn't you know a song comes on when I walk by... "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"! It was a beautifully sung version. I just listened to it and of course thought about Sofia. I felt myself starting to get sad then the song switches to "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". Then I was like, hmm. That is interesting. Then I turned around, toward the machine and right in front of my face is a framed print of a rose. I thought maybe those coincidences were Sofia stopping in to say hello. I of course had eyes welling up with tears. Then I went over to the cards to get a thank you card for someone and as I was reading them I started feeling a rush of emotions coming on. Finally met back up with my mom & told her what had just occurred. We agreed I needed to get the heck out of Walmart! And so, the shopping day came to a close.

Now, to wrap all those gifts...

Rainbow Dream

Last night I had many strange dreams but the one that stands out the most was this...

I was in a car (I think I was a passenger) and it was late in the day, around sunset. On the horizon to my right I kept seeing beautiful rainbows in the sky. The colors were so vivid; much more so than in real life. I remember I had my cell phone in my hand and I kept trying to snap a photo of the rainbows but it was like I couldn't capture the rainbow. I kept trying and we kept driving and every time I snapped a photo the rainbow wasn't in the photo or it was blurry. There were a few rainbows; some were full, some were straight up & down (like the one we saw just before Sofia's death).

I'm not sure what that means, if anything. Maybe it means we are chasing our rainbow. I hope soon I have that dream again and capture the rainbow once & for all~

From Somewhere Over The Rainbow