Glad Christmas holiday is over!

It's been such an emotionally draining weekend. I just want to go somewhere far away and take my mind off of things but I'll never be able to escape the reality of what has happened.

Christmas was supposed to be so much fun this year. A new baby, her own stockings at home & at grandpa & grandmas house. Aside from the obvious firsts that every parent looks forward to this holiday was on our minds during my pregnancy & was something we really were excited about. While we know Christmas isn't about presents, etc., Christmas is a holiday centered around children. This was the most painful holiday we've ever had.

Christmas Eve was especially sad. Seeing all the other kids (nieces, nephew, cousins) open gifts and all the excitement just compounded our sadness - a reminder of what we DON'T have. It's such a hard place to be. We want to be around the kids because we love them and enjoy the time being Auntie & Uncle. But it would be easier if we weren't reminded of what we'll never have with Sofia. I wore one of the prayer shawls I received after Sofia died; the pink & white one and attached the "baby's first Christmas in heaven..." ornament that was given to me to my shawl using an "S" pin from my mom.

We gave some Sofia-related gifts to family this Christmas. I filled clear ornaments with a photo of Sofia and pink freeze-dried roses from her casket and decorated them. I ordered some Forget-Me-Not flower seeds that come in a butterfly shape that you plant & found a Forget-Me-Not poem to go with it. Our siblings got these tiny glass ladybugs (for good luck). They reminded me of Sofia. Little & cute and goes with her bug-themed room. I made special bookmarks for my mom & mother-in-law that had her foot print on one side & a lock of her hair on the other.

I cried with my sisters-in-law. Sarah hugged me and told me "she's here". I hate that she's not physically here!

We went to Granny's house later on and opened more gifts. I received a very cool & unique ring from my aunt Nancy & cousins Shawn & Jody. It's silver with a flower wrapped around it and Sofia's pink birthstone. Her initials "SRL" are engraved inside the band. Of course, I cried.

My uncle had some Yorkie puppies (only 2 weeks old) and he couldn't leave them at the house (out of town) so he brought them over to Granny's. They were super cute. I held one that had a white patch of fur on his chest. He was so sweet and stretched his tiny paws.

From Christmas 2010

After the games of Pictionary were done we watched as my second cousins (ages 3 & 4-almost 5) doodled on the wipe board. It was late and they were in their jammies. Both are characters in their own way. Very entertaining. The more I watched Lacy the more I started to think of Sofia. I realized we'll never get to see her in her jammies with the plastic feet. She'll never get to show us her true personality and draw on a wipe board. I wondered if she would have been artistic or not.

On the way home we both cried. The whole way. We just want her back. The sadness doesn't go away, it just comes & goes and is magnified on occasions where we had those hopes & dreams all mapped out in our heads. While other parents around the world are putting their kids to bed we instead have to think of our baby eternally resting. We never get to wake her up. She never gets to come down the steps on Christmas morning to see what Santa left her. We never get to be the annoying parents that video-record and photograph every moment of her life. We hope that parents who are lucky to have their children with them remember how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. Every moment they have should be enjoyed - even the bad times - because it means they are alive. I've met so many people who'd gladly deal with poopy diapers, screaming kids, and teenage attitudes if it meant having their baby back.

Christmas morning came and I had a hard time getting myself out of bed. I just wanted to stay under the covers and maybe it wouldn't actually be Christmas. I came downstairs & we rang the bell for Sofia. We each took turns. A few angels got their wings that morning. We drove over to my parents for breakfast & presents. It was a very Sofia Christmas gift-wise. She has her own stocking and she had a few gifts. I managed to get through it all without crying. I just wanted to have something feel like the old normal again!

We visited Sofia after that. My dad, her grandpa, always decorates oranges with cloves for the holidays. This year he made one with an "S" on it. He asked if we wanted to keep it and we decided to take it to Sofia. It would add some color to the cold winter ground.

From Christmas 2010

From Christmas 2010

From Christmas 2010

While we were visiting her grave Tim noticed a lone bird flying above. It was just circling until we left. It was probably looking for a meal but we've noticed a lot of signs around birds - especially Tim since she's died. (I saw more before and didn't realize until after). We like to think it was her way of saying hello to us.

From Christmas 2010

We also left Sofia a wrapped gift with nothing but love inside and a poem on top.

From Christmas 2010

We cried some more just thinking about her then drove away.