Cleaning Day

I have this week off from work so I decided to do some much needed cleaning. I didn't get as much done as I had planned but it was a start. My bedroom dresser has been like the black hole - collecting more & more stuff in the past few months. I'm a pretty anal person when it comes to cleaning & clutter but part of me just ignored it. I'm finally at the point where I can't stand it anymore so I decided to sort through some stuff today. Under some travel magazines I found a couple pregnancy & parenting magazines from this summer. It brought me back to the lazy days in the pool when I read about what was (supposed to be) my future. It made me sad & I wished so badly that I could be back on that raft, pregnant & happy. In one of my drawers I found the balloons I had kept from the day I told Tim we were expecting. Then I found a receipt from Estes Park, CO from this summer from a shop where I bought nothing but baby items. Each line item on the receipt said "Baby". "Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby". It brought me right back to that cute little shop where I bought her some toys. Then I was cleaning behind Tim's dresser and found a receipt that had fallen behind. It was from Urban Wine Co. downtown. We had been there at the end of January celebrating a friend's birthday. I didn't know it at the time but little Sofia was already beginning to grow.

I decided to keep the receipts that brought back memories. Even though it made me sad they are what little we have to hold on to. The two pregnancy/parenting magazines I decided to keep too. I figure they might be worth reading again some day. It had been weeks since I went into Sofia's room. We keep the door closed to keep the pets out. I opened her closet door and placed the magazines on the stack of other pregnancy books. I just looked around and burst into tears. The little outfit we bought from Baby Gap still hangs in the closet. We didn't know we were having a girl so we bought a boy & girl outfit. She'd have looked so cute in it. I picked up the bag from the mortuary. It had her ivory dress from the hospital and pink blanket she rested on. I picked it up and held it close. There are stains from her cord/belly button and from her face. Maggie, our yellow lab, came running up to me and placed her right paw on my arm then licked my face. She kept her paw there until I got myself off the floor. I still can't believe this is real. I want my baby.

I texted Tim to let him know I was feeling sad. He texted me back: "Sorry you feel sad. We both want her back bad. Not a moment goes by that I don't want to hold her."

I'm very grateful to have such a loving and understanding husband who isn't afraid to grieve right along with me. While I bring her up in conversation more often than he does, it doesn't mean he isn't thinking of her nonstop. Last night I told him how much I love him and how lucky I am to have him for a husband. I thanked him for allowing me to grieve and for not ever lashing out at me while I'm OK one day and then terribly sad the next. He responded by saying I shouldn't ever get in trouble for being sad - I should be sad. It's hard enough dealing with the loss and all the post partum hormones/emotions. I can't imagine having a husband who wasn't on the same page. I know many people struggle with this and I feel for them. We've always been a team in good times & bad. I'm glad our "team" has grown stronger and isn't falling apart.

We can only pray it gets better from here.