So long, 2010...

So this is the last day of 2010. I decided to change the song playing on the blog to Auld Lang Syne, at least for now. I can't say that this was the worst year of my life because some really great things happened this year. There was definitely a worst DAY of my life during this year, but I can't write off all the days because there were some really wonderful ones too.

We had the joy of seeing "Pregnant" appear on a home pregnancy test and got to share the good news with family & friends. I got to feel life moving & growing inside me - something that is miraculous and out of this world. We got to see our baby on an ultrasound at 8 weeks and saw her heart beating away. We heard her heart beat at 12 weeks - such a great sound. We got to video-record our baby at 19 weeks during the ultrasound. We had months of anticipation and happiness throughout my pregnancy. If anything was ever getting us down (which didn't occur often), we would think about the amazing thing happening to us - we were becoming parents. We got to come up with our own baby names and decorate a nursery. I went to Colorado for a short trip with my parents and our baby got to go along for the ride. We got to participate in the "prepared childbirth" classes and had a tour of the hospital. Several baby showers were held for us and we were able to fully stock baby's room. We enjoyed the summer at the pool and did some landscaping in the front yard. Mostly, our lives revolved around our baby-to-be.

So, MOST of 2010 was the BEST year of our lives. It wasn't until the last quarter that it was tarnished. Tarnished in the worst way imaginable. It is quite a shock to the human psyche go from an extreme high and excitement to complete dread and despair. It's something we're still trying to grasp.

I've often heard people say, "God only gives you what he knows you can handle". I'm not quite sure what I think of that. I guess it's true, because we're still getting through our grief and not giving up. But part of me thinks that's crazy...why would God give this to us in the first place? What is the reason for having us suffer so much?

The truth is, no matter what anyone believes in, none of us really knows for sure what is on the other side until we get there. Only then can we ask the questions we're dying to know the answers to. But if our loved ones are there, maybe we won't care then, because we'll be so happy to see them once again.

We've made the choice to wake up every day and get out of bed so that we can have a future. It will take a long time but eventually we'll be excited about things again and have fun things to look forward to. We will always have our baby Sofia on our minds. I've met people who lost their babies a decade ago and the wounds are still fresh, so I don't believe it will go away. I don't want it to. We want to think of her forever. We just hope that everyone else remembers her forever too.

As sad as this year has ended for us, we will never forget all of the continued support, love and kindness we've experienced in the face of our loss. We were very unfortunate to have experienced the loss of a child but words cannot express how grateful and fortunate we are for everything people have done for us. From the face-to-face contact & visits from family & friends, the online support (Facebook, BBC, etc), all of the donations to the church in honor of Sofia, the beautiful flowers & plants delivered for her funeral, the donations for Sofia's Rose garden and Sofia's tree, the prayer shawls and many other beautiful gifts, we THANK YOU.

While we know that things will never replace or make up for not having our baby with us, these help serve as reminders and remembrance items of her, so we will never forget. Here are some of the gifts we have received:

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This is a memory box from my sister.  The top displays a few items and opens up.

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We have most of her things in here. The bunny is going into a shadow box with her flowers and a few other items.  Everything else is going in here.  Just a few more things to add in.  The bear is from the hospital and he's 'holding' the container for her birth certificate.  We don't have that yet but will put that inside some day soon.

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To Sofia,

If you're hovering with your angel wings above my shoulders as I type this, or if our loved ones in heaven are somehow reading this as I type or from my mind as they rock you to sleep, please know this was not the worst year for us. You were the most wonderful thing to ever happen to us. We love you and miss you very VERY much. If you were alive you would be staying up late while we ring in the new year and we'd likely dress you up in some cute little outfit and take a million photos. The dogs would probably sniff you a lot, Moose might try to steal a sock off your little tootsie, and Maggie would stand guard to alert us if that were the case. Mitty would meow incessantly until we fed him and you'd learn to know that annoying meow. We'd have a fire in the fireplace and we'd all be cozied up together on the couch. Daddy & I might even try to play a few games if you allowed us to. As we ring in the new year your daddy & I would say how amazing you are and how we can't imagine a happier New Year.  XXXXOOOOOXXXXXOOOOOXXXXOOOOOXXXXXOOOO
We Love you!

P.S. The priest says babies born right into heaven instantly become saints. So we have a daughter who is beautiful, an angel and a saint. Please watch over us in 2011, show us signs often, and give us strength to carry on without you.
Happy New Year!
Love,
Mommy & Daddy~

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