We gathered our things in the hospital and I changed out of my hospital gown into clothes. I had packed some maternity clothes but because I had a catheter & bag attached to my leg it was going to be difficult to wear my pants. I looked over at Tim and asked if I could steal his clothes off his back-literally! Without hesitation he gave me his t-shirt and warm-up pants. (He had another shirt and shorts to change into) I looked funny but the clothes fit well enough for the car ride home.
We loaded everything up on a cart and left our room. We walked past the nursery where there were a couple babies. It felt wrong to be leaving without our baby. Instead all we had was a box of memories and a few gifts. Our nurse Mary walked out with us. I tried not to look at all the people in the waiting areas. I could feel them looking at us, wondering what our story was. I felt like they were wondering why we were leaving without a baby. I wanted to disappear.
I waited outside with Mary while Tim pulled up the car. It was such a nice warm & sunny day. I thought about how nice it would have been if Sofia was going home with us that day. She wouldn't have been cold and we would have been so excited to show her the world. When Tim pulled the car around I looked in the back seat. We had the car seat base and the baby mirror still in the car. It felt awful.
We said our good-byes to our nurse and headed home.
I was out of it. That day is a blur. I think from the meds, lack of sleep, and pure exhaustion I was ready to fall over. My mom came over to be with us.
Later that day Tim's sister Michelle & husband Joey and Tim's brother Jeff & wife Sarah came over. We watched a movie and hung out. It was nice to have the company. I didn't want to be alone.
I had some issues with my catheter and Sarah was able to help me. She was nice enough to stay overnight in case I had problems again.
I dreaded going to bed that night because it meant going to Sofia's service the next day, and we'd have to say good-bye forever.
I was touched by your husband giving you his clothes to wear home. I don't know why, but this stuck with me. My husband would do the same thing. Your love and friendship is inspiring.
ReplyDeleteAgain, so many things resonate with me. I was wheeled out of the hospital, with empty, aching arms, and only memories in a little pouch. I couldn't bare to go out the birthing center exit, so I asked to be taken out the front of the hospital. I didn't want to see all those new moms and babies. For so long, I had waited in excitement and anticipation to be the one who got to leave, showing off my brand new baby. It sucked to have that empty carseat in the back on the way home.
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