Monday, November 8, 2010

Up & Down

Some days are harder than others. We had a good time Friday night at Sarah's birthday party. We played games, I had wine (finally!) and Tim had some drinks too. We actually laughed again. I wore non-maternity clothes for the first time in almost a year. Life felt more "normal" again.

Then Saturday hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so emotional and cried most of the day off & on. It wasn't just a little tears here & there - it was full on crying like at the hospital.

It's almost like I keep thinking I'm sad now but I'll get my baby back then I'll feel better again...then I realize I'm not getting my baby back! It's so hard. I try to keep myself distracted with other things but when the dust settles my mind goes right back to the fact that our baby is gone. I actually feel like a part of my heart is gone. It hurts.

I still enjoy being around little kids/babies but when I went to the mall last week everywhere I turned was either a pregnant woman or a newborn baby. I'm sure I'm just noticing it more now but it felt like it was being thrown in my face. I tried to look away but couldn't help but notice. One couple walked right past me (I literally had to move out of the way) and the husband was holding the baby. Then some lady ran over to them right in front of me and asked, "ooh, how old is she!?" She was 6 weeks. It made me sick to my stomach. I had planned to take our baby to the mall while on maternity leave. Instead I go without her and feel like I'm lost.

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