My 6 Week Follow-Up

Today I went to the Dr. for my 6 week follow-up.  It was harder than I thought it would be going back there.  Sitting in the waiting room there were several pregnant women, one with a toddler, and one who had a newborn with her.  It was hard because I kept trying to look away from them but it was impossible to avoid.  I wished they could know how I felt and what I had just gone through.  When I was given an exam room I waited for a long time.  It was the room I was in when Sofia's heart beat couldn't be found.  I felt myself going back down that sad road and reliving that day in my head again.  It sucked.  I checked out just fine and my body has healed as normal.

It's hard for me to believe 6 weeks have passed already.  We still miss Sofia so much.  I have a constant feeling that I am missing something but realize that it isn't something, rather it is someone that is missing.  It's that emptiness that will never be fulfilled.  Even with another child there will always be a part of us missing, at least in the physical sense.

I went with my Mom, Granny, Aunts, sister & cousins to Lincoln on Sunday.  It was a girls day out for lunch & shopping at Aunt Patty's Attic.  It was a good time but shopping for Christmas decorations was kind of rough.  I love the holidays and Christmas is my favorite.  I normally go all out with lights, trees, garland, etc.  This year I'm just not feeling it.  When I think of Christmas I think of wreaths, trees & lights, a nice warm fire with stockings hanging above and happy times.  I was thinking of this when walking through the store, looking at all the neat decorations.  Then I got a sick to my stomach, guilty feeling.  Here we all will be, cozy & warm, and Sofia is cold and in the ground.  I want to put a blanket on her so she won't be chilly.  I want to put her on the floor & snuggle up with the dogs next to the fire while we watch movies & Tim pops popcorn in the kitchen.  Instead it will be a quiet winter; just us & the animals.  I thought I wouldn't buy anything because I don't plan to decorate this year, but there were some cute little mice that caught my eye on a shelf.  They were dressed in winter clothes.  One was a momma mouse and behind her was a baby mouse on a sled.  The momma mouse was pulling the baby.  They were the sweetest little mice!  I had to get them.  Of course, later when I got home & showed Tim I ended up a bit sad again because I felt like it was one more thing I wouldn't get to do with Sofia.

One of our good friends (Carrie) has sent us several cards letting us know she's thinking of us.  This past weekend the card included a coloring from her daughter, Kirsten.  Kirsten also wrote us a note all on her own.  It is very sweet and brought tears to my eyes.  I scanned it (see below; click on the pic to see larger view).

From Somewhere Over The Rainbow